


a life worth remembering

by myrddinthewizard



Series: remember me (and the memories i can never escape) [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: #traumabringspeopletogether, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur gets Panic Attacks, BAMF Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), BAMF Everyone Really (Merlin), BAMF Merlin (Merlin), Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, F/M, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), Immortal Merlin (Merlin), Lonely Merlin (Merlin), M/M, Mentions of drug/alcohol abuse, Merlin Is High-key Depressed (Merlin), Merlin is So Done (Merlin), Oblivious Merlin (Merlin), Pining Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Reincarnation, Sad Merlin (Merlin), also arthur is going though hard time, also leon is everyones best friend, brief mention of attempted suicide, gwen deserves the world, iTs aLmoSt liKE thEy'Re siBliGs~, kissing? kissing, lancelot gives free therapy to everyone, morgana and arthur are basically the same, one serving of trauma each, she has the only braincell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 73,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27686339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrddinthewizard/pseuds/myrddinthewizard
Summary: He stopped understanding why his heart ached every time he saw a golden head or blue eyes or crooked teeth or something and anything since he managed to somehow find him in everything. He stopped remembering who he was trying so hard not to forget.Arthur. Arthur. Arthur.
Relationships: Gwaine/Percival (Merlin), Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: remember me (and the memories i can never escape) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025022
Comments: 127
Kudos: 204





	1. prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized quotes.
> 
> All italicized quotes and song lyrics belong to John Farnham's 'You're the Voice'
> 
> Do not repost on other site. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

He didn’t realize he’d forgotten the way his mother’s hands cupped his face until it was too late. He didn’t realize he’d forgotten the way Gauis’ eyebrow arched when he was being an idiot or the way Will used to clap him on the back. He stopped looking for Gwaine’s hair or Lancelot’s smile in every man. He stopped watching for Morgana’s smirk or Gwen’s eyes in every woman. 

And when he watched the golden light dance through the window he didn’t think of _his_ golden crown and golden hair and golden heart. When laid back on the grass, watching the bright sky, his mind didn’t wander to his bright bright blue eyes. When he would pull on his favorite red shirt, he didn’t realize he’d forgotten why he loved it so much. He didn’t know when he’d forgotten what clotpole or dollophead meant, yet he still used the words. He stopped understanding why his heart ached every time he saw a golden head or blue eyes or crooked teeth or something and anything since he managed to somehow find him in everything. He stopped remembering who he was trying so hard not to forget. 

_Arthur. Arthur. Arthur._

_\--0-o-0--_

_“_ _We have the chance to turn the pages over._

_We can write what we want to write”_

Merlin threw his head back, downing the glass of alcohol in one gulp. The laughter and music of the bar throbbed in his ears and Merlin, for the life of him, couldn't remember why he had started to go to the bar every weekend in the first place. Something about the drunken laughter and easy flirts of attractive guys sparked something in Merlin. Like a memory he couldn’t quite reach. _I hope you find what you’re looking for._

Merlin gripped this glass like it was the only thing anchoring him to the ground. Maybe it was. Part of Merlin wanted to beckon the bartender to refill his drink. To drink until he got drunk and then drink some more. He wanted to lose himself in the rush of sounds and colors and desperate attempts to forget and remember what he needed most. He ached to drink until the world swam before him and darkened into nothing. But he knew that no matter how hard he tried, he would always wake up with the sun. And honestly, Merlin had given up wondering why. 

He staggered up from his seat and pushed himself through the throng of dancing people. The stench of sweat and drunken breath assaulting his senses. The crisp autumn air chilled Merlin to the bone but he couldn’t care less. He wandered down the abandoned streets, the music of the bar fading the further away he got. His feet moved without permission and before he knew it, Merlin found himself in front of a lake. It’s glittering blue waters stretched as far as he could see, wrapping around a small isle that stood in the middle of the lake. 

Merlin dropped like a rock. His knees cracking against the cold ground. He fell onto his back and closed his eyes. He’d found that this lake was the only place where the ringing in his ears faded. Where the pure energy rushing through his veins calmed into a swell. He couldn’t remember when he’d first come to this lake. Why his eyes would watch the water as if a miracle would rise up from it. Merlin could feel the wet mud from the ground below seep through his thin trousers and the cold air burn through his lungs. It made him feel alive. Like he could never die. And he hated it. The last time he’d come, Merlin had wadded into the ice-cold water and ducked underneath it until his vision went dark and his ears stopped ringing. He woke up on the shore that next morning. 

_Like he could never die._

_\--0-o-0--_

_“_ _We gotta make ends meet, before we get much older”_

Arthur smiled softly. The wound in his side had faded to a dull throb. He knew he wouldn’t have much time left. Arthur gazed up, trapping himself in the depths of Merlin’s eyes. Depth’s he knew he wouldn’t have enough time to understand. His vision was starting to blur and his breaths more choppy. 

“I wanted to say something I’ve never said to you before.”

Arthur reached up, grasping the back of Merlin’s neck like it was his lifeline. Merlin’s lips parted, his face devastated. He never broke eye contact. Arthur opened his mouth, his lips already forming the words when it dawned on him. He was going to leave Merlin. And though he ached to let Merlin know how he truly felt, he knew in the end, all it would cause is damage. Arthur took a breath— his last one.

“Thank you.”

And as his hand started to go limp and his eyes rolled up into his head, Arthur’s last wish was pleading with Merlin to understand its true meaning.

_I love you._

“Arthur.” Merlin’s voice was unbearably soft. “No. Arthur. Arthur.”

His voice rose to a yell, shaking Arthur’s face like it could bring him from the dead. Then softened to a breath, pleading, _“Stay with me.”_

Neither man got what they wished for. And as Arthur slipped from Merlin’s grasp, Merlin never once knew the meaning behind Arthur’s last words. And as far as they knew, he never would.

_No young man, no matter how great, can know his destiny_

_\--0-o-0--_

_“_ _This time, we know we all can stand together_

_With the power to be powerful_

_Believing we can make it better”_

When Arthur woke up, it took him a good thirty seconds to realize he was drowning. His armor was still wrapped around him, weighing him down and the water was murky enough that he couldn’t see a single thing. Arthur kicked his feet to the surface and broke it in time to take a full gulp of air before he was pulled back under. For all he knew as the King of Camelot, he could not swim. Suddenly, something was grasping at the back of his armor and hauling him up. He broke into coughs, tumbling over himself when he reached the shore. After getting his breath under control he risked a glance up. Pale blue water shone under the morning sun, glinting off a broken tower that rose on a single green isle. 

_Thank you._

Arthur whirled around, realized with a start that he wasn’t alone. All the knights of the round table plus Gwen and Morgana were spread out at the shore. Arthur reached under his armor and pulled it off, prodding at the skin where he was stabbed.

_Stay with me._

There was nothing but smooth, pale skin in its place. The last thing Arthur remembered was Merlin’s screams.

“You going to stand all day, Princess? I thought I would at least get a thank you for saving your life. Who would’ve thought. The King of Camelot can’t swim.”

Arthur’s head snapped to Gwaine, who was lounging with his feet in the water like nothing was out of the ordinary. “What the hell is going on? Where are we? Is Morgana still dead?”

Morgana, unlike the rest of them, hadn’t woken up. She lay on her back, strangely peaceful. Her face still sent shudders down his spine. 

“Arthur!”

Before he could figure out who he called his name, he was tackled by a swath of skirts and dark hair. Gwen launched herself at him with enough force to send them both tumbling to the ground. 

“Guinevere. Wha- how—?” Arthur sputtered.

Gwen pulled back, her face stretched into a smile. “It’s time. You were prophesied to rise again when Albion’s need was greatest. I’m not sure how long it’s been but there is so much I have to tell you about. Once you died, I legalized magic and Merlin was my court sorcerer and I died when I was in my eighties and produced an heir with Sir Leon and- wait. Where’s Merlin?”

Arthur struggled to follow Gwen’s onslaught of words, but his mind caught on Merlin’s name. He pulled himself to his feet, carefully setting Gwen back down. He whirled back towards the lake, a scream tearing through his throat before he could stop it. “Merlin. Merlin! Where are you? Don’t be a dollophead, come on!”

Arthur moved forward, ready to launch himself back into the water, when a hand wrapped around his bicep, stilling him.

“He’s not there, Arthur.” Lancelot’s voice was soft but all Arthur could see was him and Guinevere and—

“Get off me, Lancelot. I don’t even know if the idiot knows how to swim. He should be here.” Arthur pulled away, ready to dive in when Lancelot spoke again.

“Arthur, Merlin never died.”

Arthur froze. His blood turned to ice. “What do you mean _‘he never died’_? He’s only human. It’s not like he’s immortal or something.”

The moment the words left his mouth, Arthur couldn’t help but realize how wrong he was. His mind flashed back to the Dochra and Gauis’ words about how no mortal could survive their touch. He thought about Lancelot’s words and Merlin’s almost innocent smile. _Bad news. He survived._ How much of a fool was Arthur that he never once questioned how Merlin survived. How somehow he always managed to come out of every battle unscathed and smiling and _alive_. 

Arthur whirled on Lancelot. “You knew. You knew about Merlin’s magic.”

His mind was spinning too fast, suddenly everything making too much sense. With Merlin and Lancelot and their quiet talks and knowing looks and how the warning bells were _never turned off and the immortal army had simply disappeared._

Arthur’s hands clutched his own hair almost painfully. “As if kissing my wife wasn’t bad enough, Merlin trusted you first. You sacrificed yourself at the Dochra for Merlin. Because you knew that Merlin was going to try and go in my place and you knew that Merlin couldn’t sacrifice his life because he’s immortal so he can’t die and—”

Lancelot’s hands were back on him in an instant. “Woah. Slow down. What the hell do you mean I kissed your wife?”

Arthur could only blink at the anger in Lancelot’s tone. “You- you came back from the dead remember? And seduced my wife and kissed her and then killed yourself.”

“Arthur. What are you talking about? I never came back from the dead. I-” Lancelot froze. He remembered a wooden boat and a hand on his forehand and _thank you_. Lancelot stumbled back from Arthur, breathing heavily. His hand pushed back his hair and he raked through it. His mind shattering and piecing itself back together and—

“Morgana. She raised me from the dead.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Morgana did a lot of things but you don’t get to blame her for this.”

Lancelot rushed to speak. “She wanted to break you and Gwen apart so Gwen wouldn’t be queen. When Gwen wouldn't betray you, she gave me an enchanted bracelet that made Gwen fall for me. It wasn’t her fault. Morgana enchanted me and Gwen. Arthur, you must know that I would never hurt you or Gwen intentionally. I didn’t know what I was doing.”

Arthur gaped at Lancelot. He looked over at Gwen, you seemed to be just as shocked.

“Are you serious? Are you telling me I didn’t do anything wrong and it was Morgana’s fault I had to live in Ealdor for years?” Gwen said.

“Ealdor? Why were you in Ealdor?” 

“Because Morgana’s plan worked! Arthur banished me and had he not forgiven me, I never would’ve become queen.”

Lancelot turned on Arthur. “You banished her?”

“Ok. I think everyone needs to calm down. We need to figure out where we are and how to find Merlin. I’m sure you three will have a very riveting conversation later.” Leon interrupted, stepping between Arthur and Lancelot.

“And we should probably talk about what to do with Morgana.” Elyan knelt down beside her, poking her cheek. “She’s breathing so she’s probably going to wake up soon.”

“I say we toss her back into the lake.” Gwaine announced and strode over, ready to pick her up.

Gwen got there faster. “We are _not_ tossing her back into the lake. Who knows how long it’s been. We all have to work together if we want to find Merlin. He has to be here somewhere. Percival, pick her up.”

Percival scooped her up without hesitation, but obviously wasn’t happy about it. “Gwen, she murdered Gwaine. I don’t care how long it’s been but—”

“I get it. I do. She’s tried to kill me multiple times as well. But there’s a reason she was brought back. We need her. And if we find Merlin, maybe we can come to an understanding. You cannot kill everyone you hate. That’s exactly what Morgana did and look where it got her.” Gwen leveled a stare at the knights. Elyan couldn’t help but find it amusing how such a small woman could easily control six knights.

Without another word, Gwen marched off, clearly expecting everyone to follow her. Gwaine sighed, and glanced back at Morgana. “You’re so lucky that I’m more terrified of Gwen than I am of you.” 

A snort escaped Lancelot before he could stop it. “Ok. Let’s go find Merlin.”

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Let me know how it was and if there is a certain direction you want it to be to take it in. I'm not really sure where this going. Stay safe and Happy Thanksgiving!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur gasped out, trying to breathe but everything was moving too fast and just yesterday he was dying in Merlin’s arms and now Merlin is in this new world with new people and new ways of doing things, and _he didn’t remember. ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized quotes.
> 
> All italicized quotes and song lyrics belong to John Farnham's 'You're the Voice'
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

_“_ _We're not gonna sit in silence_

_We're not gonna live with fear”_

The problem with immortality is that after a couple of years, people start to notice. It was fascinating to Merlin that human beings, who really couldn’t concentrate on one thing for more than 10 minutes, could notice such subtle changes. Merlin learned that the hard way when he spent 5 hours trying to convince a group of teenagers that he just had really good skin. Merlin had recommended the first face cream that came to mind and then moved across the country the next day. Because when people start to notice, they ask questions and Merlin really didn’t have the answer to those questions. He just accepted the fact he was a freak of nature and moved on. 

Because of this, Merlin has never stayed in one place for more than a couple of years. He’s never made friends who paid enough attention to him and the only real constant in his life was the lake, which he tried to return to every so often. It was lonely but Merlin was used to it. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a real friend who stuck by his side. Most people in his life were merely a blimp in the centuries that Merlin has been alive. Insignificant. Every last one of them. And Merlin for the life of him couldn’t remember even one of their names. It comes with being alive for so long. After a while, Merlin stopped bothering to figure out their names anyway. Why should it matter? They’ll be nothing to him in a couple of decades.

Merlin had lived in the UK for the past five years. He’d already lived in basically every European state and for some reason, Merlin couldn’t find it in him to leave. He knew that logically, he should go off and explore the rest of the world. But Europe felt like home. And Merlin had stopped wondering why.

At the crack of dawn, Merlin was up and out of bed. He didn’t know when it had become a habit. For an immortal being, Merlin’s life was rather boring. He was a barista at the coffee shop down the street. His coworkers think that he’s earning money to go to Cambridge because his parents had abandoned him. Merlin supposed that the last part wasn’t really a lie. Everyone abandoned him sooner or later. Little did they know, Merlin had attended Cambridge three times already, all under different names. 

His shift ends around 3:00 pm and Merlin goes to the park that’s a couple of blocks away. He would sit in front of the fountain and sketch until it’s too dark to see. And then, if he’s feeling adventurous, he would sketch some more because it’s always interesting to see his blind sketches the next day. 

Once the sun disappeared over the horizon, and all the lights on the street have flicked on, Merlin would head home and cook some dinner. He’ll clean his flat and get ready for bed and lay down. And he stays there drifting between consciousness and not and filled with that feeling that something just isn’t right. A feeling that doesn’t leave until the next morning. If it’s a weekend, he would drop by a local bar after dinner and gets drunk. It’s freeing in a way. To let go and rest his mind from the strain of trying to remember what he knows he forgot. Sometimes he wakes up on the side of the road. Sometimes in a stranger's bed and sometimes on his own. It’s thrilling. To lose himself and wonder where he’ll end up in the morning. A kind of mystery that he never gets tired of.

Now Merlin considers himself a fairly happy person. He has a roof over his head and food and a couple of friends he knows he won’t remember in a decade. There are times when Merlin would discover a new hobby or a new shop and he won’t stop smiling for weeks. It gets hard though. To let himself be happy knowing that it won’t last. That nagging feeling of something missing that just never goes away. That feeling most people get before going to bed when they just _know_ they forgot something. 

But Merlin ignores it. He’s gotten good after the past couple hundred years. Part of him wonders what it was like before he could ignore it. Before that sense of everlasting despair was just a dull throb in the back of his mind. If he could remember it, he would feel grateful that it’s different now. He doesn’t. 

  
  


Merlin readjusted his bag of groceries over his shoulder, cursing for the twelfth time that day his decision to walk to the store from the park. The sun was moments away from dipping below the horizon and red streaks of light had already begun to intermingle with the green sky. The rows of lights that line the street slowly brightened to accommodate the lack of sunshine and the autumn leaves crunched and crinkled beneath his feet. Merlin never tired of watching the shops close down and the lights flicker on in the apartments across the street. He watched a group of kids skateboarding down the street and couldn’t help the bitter swell in his chest when their laughter rang across the darkening streets. 

Merlin made his way to his flat and didn’t bother turning on the lights when he entered. He dropped the bag of groceries and shoved the fresh fruits and vegetables in the fridge, saving the strawberries. Grabbing a handful, he went out to the balcony that overlooked the streets he just came from. All things considered, it was a pretty nice view. Merlin stayed there, popping strawberries in his mouth and thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. 

Merlin honestly doesn’t know if he’ll recall anything of this day the next and it should be worrying that his memory had clearly gotten worse but Merlin didn’t take the time to bother. He sunk his teeth into the last strawberry, digging out the green leaves sprouting from the top. Spitting the leaves into his palm, he popped the rest of the strawberry into his mouth. The taste was bittersweet and left a tangy texture on his tongue. Merlin honestly didn’t like strawberries all that much but kept buying them. He reckons it was once for sentimental reasons. Maybe a past lover or friend that he was once fond of. Merlin doesn’t care enough to find out. 

_\--0-o-0--_

_“You're the voice, try and understand it_

_Make a noise and make it clear”_

There is something very disorienting about waking up and finding out that the world you live in is nothing like the one you last knew. The forest that Arthur knew was once thriving around the Lake of Avalon, was gone. Buried beneath the paved streets and bustling shops. Everything was blurred and hurried like the painter of the universe had become sloppy near the end. Life seemed to blow right past Arthur's eyes and he found himself gasping for breath as if he'd never really made it out from the lake. While Camelot was by no means a small kingdom, Arthur had always considered the community he lived in to be fairly cozy. He always had his knights or friends or _Merlin_ around to guide him and make it home. 

Now, in this seemingly new world, Arthur couldn’t help but feel small. With no guide or way or path carved out for him, he wasn’t above admitting that he was terrified of what lay ahead. Being King of Camelot was lonely. But there was a difference between being lonely and fitting in. Standing at the edge of this new world, dressed in dripping wet armor, and with no idea what to expect, Arthur did not fit in. Arthur glanced back at the others and found that they were in a similar state. Arthur steeled himself. He may not be king anymore, but he still considered himself their leader. 

They slowly made their way down the road, carefully avoiding the zooming metal boxes that were nothing but dust faster than Arthur could blink. It took all of Arthur’s willpower not to shudder from what looked like blatant magic that was trying to kill them. This was a new world, with new rules, and Arthur wasn’t stupid enough to try and fight metal boxes with his rusted sword. 

All the knights took turns carrying Morgana and Arthur had to hide a snicker when Gwaine _accidentally_ dropped her, nearly cracking her skull open. Arthur had barely spent two minutes holding his sister before shoving her back to someone else. He was kind of surprised she hadn’t woken yet but he really wasn’t complaining. 

After what seemed like hours, they arrived on what looked like the edge of a town. The sun had reached high in the sky and Arthur now was dripping in sweat rather than the lake water. His armor, long taken off, hung heavy in his arms and his legs ached from the long walk. The seemingly endless roads split into smaller ones that thread through shops and buildings bustling with people. 

Arthur and the rest of them dropped their armor into an empty alleyway. As much as he loved the armor, he didn’t think it would be useful in this new world. Arthur swiped a hand across his forehead, gathering the sweat, and gazed out to the streets. He took a breath and resolved his strength. They were here to find Merlin. That was the only thing that kept Arthur going and he was sure it wasn’t much different from the others. Arthur’s hope was slowly waning, though. This new world seemed endless and filled with people. To find one man within it felt impossible.

A hand landed on his shoulder, and Arthur jerked beneath it. He glanced up to find Elyan watching him. _Look around Arthur. We would fight a thousand armies with our bare hands for you. You’re never alone. We stand together._ Arthur swallowed and glanced back at the rest of them. His eyes locked with Gwaine and Arthur could almost hear his voice in the back of his mind. _I think we've no chance. But I wouldn't miss it for the world._

Leon spoke, his voice soft. “Don’t lose hope now, Arthur.” _I have fought alongside you many times. There is no one that I would rather die for._ Percival caught his eyes and gave a firm nod. Arthur almost smiles. Percival was always a man of few words. His gaze then slipped to Guinevere. She was watching him carefully.

Arthur exhaled slowly. “You with me?”

Gwen grasped his hand, pulling it to her chest, and gave him a firm stare. “Always.” _With all my heart._

_\--0-o-0--_

_“How long can we look at each other down the barrel of a gun?”_

“Welcome to Avalon’s Coffee Shop! What can I get for you today?” Merlin plastered a smile across his face. He punched in the order and yelled it out to the other barista, Rowan, who was at the coffee machine. “That’ll be £7.89. Thanks. Have a great day!”

Merlin turned around and dropped his smile. Collapsing against the counter, he shot a look at Rowan, who had an amused look on his face.

“I give up. How the everloving hell do you keep a smile on your face for that long. There were, like, over twenty people in the line and it’s not even rush hour yet.” Merlin groaned, rubbing his cheeks. Avalon usually has two rush hours, one in the morning, around 8:00, and one in the afternoon, right before his shift usually ends, around 2:00. That morning, Merlin had made the grave mistake of telling Rowan that he had the easy job since he always manages the cash register. How Merlin was wrong. He’d take making coffee a hundred times over smiling for hours at random strangers any day.

Rowan laughed. “Well, if you want me to take over now, just hand over the twenty and I’ll spare you this afternoon’s rush hour.”

Merlin narrowed his eyes. He was a lot of things, but Merlin didn’t quit. And he never backs down from a bet. He was also precariously on the edge of being broke and every penny counts. “Hell no. I can last a couple more hours.”

“Great! Then turn around. A couple just came in.” Rowan said, smirking.

Merlin shot him an overly sarcastic smile and whirled around, planting his hand on the counter. “Welcome to Avalon’s Coffee Shop! What can I get for you today?”

_~-~-~_

Merlin was making a vanilla latte when the door swung open, letting in seven sweaty twenty-year-olds and a passed out woman. He had long abandoned the cash register after the fifth couple had waltzed in with their sunny smiles and arms wrapped around their waists and sickeningly loving gazes and—

Merlin clenched the coffee cup, cutting off his train of thought. He grabbed a lid and covered the cup, yelling out the name of the order. The group that just entered were all drenched in sweat and dressed as if they had lived in medieval times. They had an almost hopeful look in their eyes as they scanned the shop, looking for something. Or someone. There were only a few people in the line so Merlin pulled off his apron and told Rowan he was taking a small break. Slipping into the back room, he grabbed a soda from the vending machine and collapsed on the leather couch.

He had barely started drinking the soda when Rowan poked his head inside. “Hey, mate? Do you know an Arthur Pendragon?”

“I don’t think so,” Merlin replied.

“Ok. Some blondie out here is asking if I know a Merlin and that he has to talk to him. Something about how the shop's name is Avalon and it can’t be a coincidence?”

When Merlin had first started the job, the shop was started and owned by some old guy Merlin honestly forgot the name of. He had named the shop after his wife, Carol. When he retired and gave the shop to Rowan, he insisted that the name be changed to signal the start of a new era. Merlin thought that it was a stupid idea but Rowan was over the moon and spent weeks researching for the perfect name. When the board had called up, Rowan still hadn’t had a name and panicked, shoving the phone to Merlin, who happened to be over. Merlin had blurted the first thing that came to his mind. Avalon. 

The moment the word had left his mouth, shivers went down his spine. It was the same feeling Merlin got whenever he went to the lake that was about half an hour away by road. Merlin had discovered a back path that ran through the forest behind the lake. It only took ten minutes at a slow jog to get there.

Merlin dropped his head against the back of the couch. “I don’t know any Arthurs.”

“Well, he wants to talk to you. He wouldn’t give up so be a good mate and say hello, yeah?” Rowan winked. “He’s also totally your type. Thank the gods I don’t swing that way or I’d steal him all to myself.”

Rowan left the door half open and Merlin could hear him telling the customer—Arthur Pendragon—that Merlin was coming. He pulled himself to his feet, taking a long gulp of the soda, wishing that it was alcohol, and made his way out.

_~-~-~_

It took all of Arthur’s willpower not to bounce on his toes like a little boy. After hours of searching the town and asking people if they knew a Merlin, they had found this quaint shop called Avalon. It could not be a coincidence. Arthur knew that after several awkward conversations with strangers on the street, they called the lake, Lacus. Which in Arthur’s opinion, was stupid because that meant it was called Lake Lake.

The man, Rowan, leaned over watching Arthur carefully. “Are you gay?”

Arthur blinked. “What?”

Rowan laughed. “Gay. Like you know, do you swing the other way?”

“I’m sorry. What?” Arthur repeated, leaning over the counter.

“Are you into guys? Males? People with dicks?”

Gwaine choked on his spit behind Arthur, dissolving into coughs. Elyan snorted and hit his back twice.

Arthur stared at Rowan. “Wait. That’s a thing, now? It’s not, like, frowned upon?”

“Dude, literally everyone I know is gay. Where have you been?” Rowan said.

Arthur rolled his eyes. “You do not want to know. Trust me. Now, where’s Merlin?”

The back door swung open, revealing a man with dark hair curling around his ears. “Rowan. What the hell is wrong with you? You cannot just ask people if they’re gay.”

Rowan turned around, grinning. He pulled the man forward, facing Arthur again. “This is Merlin. He is gay.”

Merlin slapped Rowan's hand away. “What the hell is the matter with you?” Merlin turned to Arthur. “Hey! I’m Merlin. You must be Arthur Pendragon?”

Arthur suddenly couldn’t breathe. Merlin was clad in a dark red apron that read _Avalon’s Coffee Shop_ and black jeans. His cheekbones were as sharp as Arthur remembered them and his blue eyes were the same color as the Lake of Avalon under the morning sun. It was Merlin. _Merlin._

_Stay with me._

Arthur nearly started crying then and there. After what felt like years, he was with Merlin again. And god only knows how long Merlin’s been waiting. Arthur loved his knights and Guinevere. He truly did but their loyalty was nothing compared to the amount of devotion Merlin had shown him. Through everything, all the decisions Arthur has made, right or wrong, Merlin was there. Encouraging him, supporting him, calling him out when he was wrong. Rowan’s words came back to him. _Are you into guys?_ Arthur wasn’t stupid. He knew what Gwen and Lancelot had. He could still see the absolute devastation on Gwen’s face when Lancelot had left. All four times. He knew that even if she was enchanted by Morgana, she still loved Lancelot. He would feel angry but he knew that wasn’t fair when his entire heart wasn’t given to Gwen either. 

He reckons it started when Merlin had drunk poison for him. When he came running into the great hall pulling the cup from Arthurs grasp. When he looked right into Arthur’s eyes and drank it all. Merlin, who had been nothing but insubordinate and rude, had chosen to drink wine he knew would kill him. When Arthur thought back, he realized that that day was the first time he’d trusted magic. The blue ball of light that had guided him out from the caves. Now, Arthur would bet everything that Merlin had something to with that because he can’t go more than two hours without saving Arthur’s life, even if Merlin was on the brink of death himself. 

Arthur couldn’t help cursing himself for chickening out and not saying what he truly felt before he died. But this was his second chance. He knew that if he told Gwen, she would be more than happy to leave him for Lancelot, no matter how bitter that made Arthur. But who was he to complain? Merlin, as far as Arthur knew, had never been with anyone. And according to Rowan, he was apparently into guys. And Arthur was too. He never wanted to admit to it, but he was. He didn’t know what gay meant or any of the labels but Arthur knew one thing. He loved Merlin. And that was all that mattered. And now Merlin was here.

“Uh, mate? Are you alright?” Merlin’s voice cut through his racing thoughts.

Arthur blinked, his hands immediately going to his face. He didn’t realize he had started crying. “Mer _lin_ , you idiot.”

_~-~-~_

Merlin’s heart clenched. Something about the way this bloke stressed the first part of his name. That slight infliction of the letter sent something shivering down his spine. Rowan was right. This man was completely his type. He was tall and broad-shouldered. His jawline could probably cut glass and his clear blue eyes seemed far too knowledgeable and far too innocent for Merlin to handle. The only thing that stopped Merlin from flirting with him was the crying.

The moment he had seen Merlin, his gorgeous blue eyes filled up with tears and carved out his cheeks. The bloke- Arthur- rubbed his face aggressively.

Merlin arched an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

The women behind Arthur pulled him back. “Merlin! It’s me, Gwen.”

The woman was dressed in a dark purple dress that fell to the floor in waves of satin. Her dark curls were freshly dried and tumbling down her back. Even in her ragged state, Merlin thought she looked like royalty. 

“I’m so sorry. My memory is terrible. Do I know you? Is your friend alright?” Merlin’s eyes flicked back to Arthur who was now watching him with an unreadable expression. There was tension in his shoulders and jaw as if he was bracing himself for the worst. Merlin jerked back a little. Why could he read this man so well?

Arthur stumbled back, crashing into a man behind him. His jaw clenched hard and suddenly his face went blank. “No, I- I apologize. Have a nice day.”

His voice was rough and before Merlin could get another word in, Arthur turned on his heel and left the shop, his head held high.

  
  


Arthur couldn’t breathe. Gwen’s voice was nothing over the roar of his blood in his ears. Merlin forgot. _Merlin forgot._ Never in a million years did it cross his mind that Merlin just wouldn’t remember them. It was Merlin. The most loyalist of them all and now Arthur was back after so long and Merlin had no idea who he was. The blank look in Merlin’s eye had chilled Arthur to the bone. It was the same look Merlin had on after an execution or if Merlin was genuinely angry with Arthur. That look Merlin had whenever he acted as the perfect servant with the stiff bows and the ‘my lords’ and everything that Arthur hated when it came from Merlin.

Arthur gasped out, trying to breathe but everything was moving too fast and just yesterday he was dying in Merlin’s arms and now Merlin is in this new world with new people and new ways of doing things and he _didn’t remember._

 _Do I know you?_ It gave Arthur a sudden whiplash to the past. To the first time, Arthur had met Merlin. Back when Arthur was an arrogant fool and Merlin was nothing but a bumbling country boy who had the audacity to challenge the prince. And now, so many years later, hearing the same words from Merlin’s mouth completely shattered Arthur’s heart. _And yet you called me ‘friend.’_

“Arthur.”

Arthur jerked up, meeting Leon’s eyes. Arthur didn’t know when he had collapsed to the ground. Leon was crouched beside him. “Deep breathes. Come on. It’s going to be okay.”

Arthur sucked in a breath, trying to match Leons. After what felt like an eternity, his vision cleared. Arthur stumbled to his feet, gripping Leon’s shoulder like it was his lifeline. He pushed himself away, not daring to let any more tears out. Shit. _Shit._ He was Arthur Pendragon, King of Camelot. He couldn’t show weakness. Not now, not ever. He struggled to get his breathing under control and turned away.

Gwen caught his arm. “Don’t walk away from us.”

“I’m fine, Guinevere. I—”

Gwen forced him to face her, interrupting. “No, you’re not. And it’s okay. You’re allowed to show emotions, Arthur. Quit holding yourself back.”

“I’m not—”

“You are. I realize that your father completely messed up your capacity for emotions but it is not a weakness to cry. Don’t ever think that.”

Arthur forced himself to meet her gaze. She stared back, eyes hard. She reached up hesitantly and brushed a finger against his cheek, catching his tears. “I’m scared, too. We all are. But we can get through this. This is Merlin. He’s done so much for us and for Camelot. For you. Don’t you think it’s time to return the favor?”

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know how it was! I thrive off of comments <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something about the oddball group was familiar. It was an unsettling feeling. Like that feeling when you watch a movie and you just know that you’ve seen them before but you just can’t place where. And you spend the entire movie agonizing over it because they just look so familiar. Like an old group of friends. Like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

Morgana knew that magic. She’d recognize it anywhere. Through the whirlwind of sounds and cries, she could still see the dark look on his face. The way his sword had sliced through her without hesitation. After everything, the feel of his magic terrified her. And made her furious beyond compare. She could feel the waves of power rolling off him, even after what looked like years since he last used it.

Morgana let out a groan before she could stop it. She twitched. Since she had woken up, her world had been nothing but shadows and muffled sounds. She was trapped, unable to move. But for some reason, the magic of Emrys _._ The magic of _Merlin_ started her awake. 

-~-~-

They had tied Morgana to a bench. It wasn’t their brightest idea but they sure as hell weren’t going to let her wander free. They had camped out at the edge of a grassy area. It was the only place they found where people hadn’t come to kick them out after sundown.

Arthur didn’t know if Morgana still had her magic or not and if she did, then their bonds were basically useless. But Arthur wasn’t taking his chances. It broke his heart that the kind, outspoken girl he grew up with had become such a twisted, misguided person. The last time they had talked, Morgana was kneeling by Arthur’s dying body, a crazed look in her eye.

_I will stay and watch over you until the wolves gorge on your carcass and bathe in your blood._

Arthur shuddered softly, thinking back. He hated what she had become. Arthur always thought that if he had been a better brother to her, things wouldn’t have gotten so bad. Arthur still remembered Merlin’s words from when they had talked about it. _There were others better placed to help Morgana._ Looking back, Arthur realized that Merlin was talking about himself. Merlin had blamed himself for Morgana. Arthur took in a deep breath. If he knew anything, it was that Morgana wasn’t above salvation. Gwen was right. They had to sit down and talk and then everything would be okay. That’s all Arthur had to believe.

“How do we wake her up?” Elyan asked.

Gwen crouched by her, placing a hand on her forehead, then to her cheek. “I swear she had woken up last night. She was twitching and groaning and-”

“She could’ve been dreaming or something! Why would she wake up now anyway? We’ve all been awake for over a day.” Gwaine said.

“Merlin.” Lancelot crouched beside Gwen. “She’s waking up because of Merlin.”

They all fell silent. Gwaine spoke up. “I’ll get him. Arthur and Gwen have probably freaked him out already so I might have a chance. Let me talk to him. Maybe I can convince him to come over.”

“I’ll come too. We shouldn’t bombard him with everything at once. Let’s become friends again and once he trusts us, maybe we can spark his memory a bit.” Lancelot stood up, glancing over at Arthur, who still hasn’t said a word.

Arthur’s gaze flicked from Gwaine to Lancelot to Morgana. He exhaled slowly. “Ok. Go. Don’t… don’t freak him out.”

Gwaine smirked, clapping a hand on his back. “I think you did all that yourself, Princess. Don’t worry. I’ll play it off and say that you were just having an off day.”

Lancelot rolled his eyes. “It’s been more than twenty-four hours. Hopefully, he doesn’t recognize our faces and blast us against the wall or something.”

“Wait. Wait, hold up. Merlin has magic?” Elyan exclaimed.

“Yeah. Where the hell have you been?” Gwaine raised an eyebrow.

“I don't know! You were talking about immortality and some other stuff and Merlin has _magic?_ ”

Arthur stalked forward. “Is that a problem?”

Elyan backed away. “Woah. Calm down, Arthur. Of course not. I’ve never hated magic.”

“Ok, so you all can figure this out. Gwaine and I are going to go. Wish us luck.” Lancelot grabbed Gwaine’s shoulder.

“Good luck. Don’t waste time.” Percival muttered, glancing at the ground.

Lancelot gave a sudden laugh, leaning over to whisper in his ear. “Don’t worry yourself. My heart belongs to Gwen.”

Percival’s head snapped up, sputtering. His cheeks flooded red. “What? No- I-I didn’t mean-”

Lancelot winked, turned away. “Let’s go.”

-~-~-

Merlin dipped his brush into the dark green paint. He had cleared out one of the walls in his bedroom to paint. He didn’t know if he was allowed to paint the walls in the flat but Merlin had already painted one of the living room walls so it was too late for that. He swiped up, curving his brush to form the back of the dragon. He loved painting dragons. The intricacy of the scales and their molten eyes and curving wings made it all the more fun to paint out. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket. Merlin dropped the brush onto his plate and fished out the phone with his other hand. Rowan’s face smirked back at him. He picked up. “Rowan. What’s up?”

“You remember blondie?” Rowan didn’t bother greeting Merlin.

“Highlight of my week. What about him? Don’t tell me he’s back at the shop." Merlin ducked into the bathroom, shoving the phone between his shoulder and ear to wash his hands.

“Nope. His friends are though. Gwaine and Lancelot. Next thing you know the whole round table will be here.”

Merlin snorted. “Shut up. That’s actually their names?”

“I bet they just need a Merlin for their Arthurian Legend retelling. Thank god King Arthur isn’t here. Geez, his acting was a little too over the top.”

“Don’t be mean. What do the knights need?” Merlin asked.

“They said they wanted to explain themselves. For yesterday.”

“Tell them it’s cool. Everyone has their off days. I hope Arthur’s okay, though. He seemed kind of…”

“Crazy? I know. Yo- Gwaine. Merlin says it’s cool. Don’t stay up at night worrying.” Rowan's voice was pulled away from the microphone, and Merlin had to strain his ears to catch the reply.

“Oh! Is there any way for us to talk to him?”

“Here. I'm on the phone with him if you want to chat.”

Merlin started. “What? No, I don’t want to talk to him. Tell him I’m busy.”

“Yeah, he’s right here.” Merlin could almost hear the smirk in Rowan’s voice.

“No. No, Rowan- I swear to god-”

“Merlin?” Merlin didn’t recognize the voice. “Hello?”

Merlin groaned softly, rubbing his forehead. “Hey! Gwaine- was it?”

“Oh my god. This is the coolest thing. Lancelot, look. It’s Merlin. I think he’s stuck in this brick.” Gwaine's voice went high with excitement. “Is this some type of magic?”

Merlin blinked. “What? What are you talking about?”

There was loud fumbling on the other end before another voice came through. “Hey. I’m Lancelot. Sorry about Gwaine. Uh- we were wondering if we could talk to you? Like at the shop. Not in this brick.”

“Brick? You mean through the phone?” Merlin spoke slowly. 

“Uh- yes exactly. So can you come to the shop and we can talk?” Lancelot asked, his voice hesitant. 

“I’m kind of busy right now but feel free to drop by the shop during the week. My shift ends at 2 so if you want to get a cup of coffee then you can come.” 

“Ok! Can I come tomorrow morning?”

“I’m not really at the shop on weekends. You can come on Monday. During the week.” Merlin spoke, resisting the urge to speak slower and drive the words into this bloke's head.

“Monday. Ok yes. We’ll be here Monday morning. That’s the earliest we can meet?” Lancelot asked, and Merlin almost cried.

“I’m afraid so. Now if you could give the phone back to Rowan that would be great.” Merlin was going to kill Rowan.

“Phone?”

“The thing in your hand. Can you give it back to Rowan? The man behind the counter?”

Lancelot laughed. “Oh yeah. Sorry.”

After a moment, Rowan's voice came back. “Wow. Are these guys from the sixties or something? They look like they’ve never used a phone before. Oh my god. What if they are actually the knights of the round table and they’ve genuinely never used a phone before?”

“That would be hilarious. What the hell is wrong with you? You cannot just give the phone to random strangers. I have no idea who they even are. What if they’re secret FBI agents who wanted to kill me?” Merlin whispered harshly into the phone.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Merlin. They’re your knights in shining armor. Low-key cute, I mean-” Merlin could hear Rowan’s shit-eating grin.

“Oh, shut up. Do your goddamn work and don’t call me again if any of them show up. Bye.” Merlin hung up before Rowan could reply but he knew that Rowan was probably laughing like hell back at the shop.

Merlin groaned, tossing his phone onto his bed. He flopped down, sighing. Something about the oddball group was familiar. It was an unsettling feeling. Like that feeling when you watch a movie and you just _know_ that you’ve seen them before but you just can’t place where. And you spend the entire movie agonizing over it because they just look so familiar. Like an old group of friends. Like home.

-~-~-

Lancelot leaned against the counter. “Can I speak with Merlin, please?”

The man gave him a look before turning and yelling for him. A minute later, the other man- Rowan- came bounding forward. “Hey! Sir Lancelot, right?”

Lancelot’s blood went cold. “Sir?”

Rowan only laughed. “Yeah, you know. Like the Arthurian Legend? Sir Lancelot? The knight of the round table?”

“How do you know that? Oh my god, did Gwaine tell you?” Lancelot demanded, glaring at the man.

Rowan backed away, slowly, pulling his hands up as if surrendering. “Woah there. Your friend didn’t tell me anything. I just assumed because of the name. The legend of King Arthur and his knights are pretty famous, you know?”

Lancelot instantly relaxed. “Legend? That’s a legend?”

Rowan stared at him. “You guys are really weird. You know that?”

The back door swung open and Merlin slipped out. “Hey. Gwaine, was it? Or Lancelot?”

Lancelot tore his eyes away from Rowan. “Uh- yeah. Lancelot. It’s nice to meet you.”

Merlin smiled. “Yeah, you too. Did you need anything from me? I hope your friend is okay.”

“Arthur? Oh yeah, he’s fine. He was just going through some stuff you know. He’s really embarrassed about the whole situation. I promise, he didn’t mean to break down.” Lancelot gave Merlin his most innocent smile.

“That’s alright. Happens to everyone. Can I help you? Did you want to buy anything? Some coffee?”

Lancelot had quickly learned to dismiss any words that made absolutely no sense to him. Words like phone, police, and _coffee_. Asking about it just made people more suspicious and Lancelot did not want to bring any more attention to himself. “I’ll pass, thank you. I was actually wondering if you wanted to come out with me. Just to the green area down the road. My friends are all there and we would love to get to know you.”

Merlin started. “Uh- the park?”

“Yeah! The um, place down there. It would be really great.” Lancelot asked.

Merlin gave Lancelot an awkward smile. “That sounds nice, but I actually have work. My shift ends around 2 and then I’m pretty busy for the day. Thanks for the offer though. Also, I should let you know that if you don’t plan on buying anything, you really aren’t allowed to keep coming here.”

Lancelot cursed to himself. “Right. My apologies. Well, if you ever need some friends, just drop by.”

The two stared at each other for a moment, before Lancelot flashed him a smile, turned on his heel, and left.

-~-~-

“I made a complete fool of myself. I don’t know what to do. He obviously thinks we're weird so he’s never going to want to actually be with us. We’re just strangers to him.” Lancelot rubbed his forehead.

“You guys are so stupid. Obviously, he doesn’t trust us. We need to prove to him that we’re not trying to kill him or something. One of us. Not Arthur, Lance, or Gwaine. I’ll go. It might take some time but we can’t expect him to just jump up and be with some random strangers. Someone needs to get a job. We need money and then we can actually buy stuff from the shop and be able to live somewhere.” Elyan said.

Gwen sighed. “He’s right. We can’t keep living like this. We need a home. And we need money. And we need to figure out how to live in this new world.”

A layer of hopelessness settled in the air around them. It was pretty clear that they were all clueless about how to live here. Everything was so much more complicated than before and Percival had nearly lost his mind when Gwaine told them all about _phones_. The world seemed bigger and brighter and thousand times more terrifying and they were living on a patch of grass with an unconscious woman tied to a bench it was only a matter of time before someone came along and ‘called the police’ as one woman had kindly put it when they had spent two hours trying to find a place to stay. Gwen didn’t know how to ask the woman what a _police_ was without sounding like an idiot so she had shut her mouth.

Gwen’s chest was suddenly so much heavier than before and her throat clogged up with tears. God, what were they doing? She probably didn’t smell very good after being nearly drowned in dirty lake water and sleeping on grass and dirt for the night after spending all day running around the town. Her dress was much too thick and hot and her hair, long pulled up, was in desperate need of a wash. Dirt seemed to be etched into her skin and she knew that the knights weren’t much different. 

Percival spoke up. “I saw this sign at what looked like a fancy tavern. I think it was called the Brit Pub or something? It said that they were hiring and were in desperate need of more staff members. I can try to go there and see if they need any help and how much it pays. It won’t be enough to support all of us but it’s a start.”

Gwaine perked up. “A tavern? Oh, I am most definitely there. I’ll come with you, yeah? We can work there together.”

Percival flushed. “Y-yeah. That’ll be fun.”

Gwaine grinned at Percival, clasping his arm. “Great.”

They both smiled at each other. Elyan pushed between them. “Jesus. You two are more revolting than Gwen and Lancelot.”

Arthur arched an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

Immediately, all the tension in the air was back. Elyan coughed, backtracking. “Uh- no. I only meant that- you know.” He gave a nervous laugh.

Gwen rolled her eyes, catching Arthur’s bicep. “Calm down, Arthur. That actually reminds me. We do have to talk.”

“Talk? What is there to talk about?” Arthur spat.

“Don’t do that. Don’t act like you have no idea what’s going on. I love you, Arthur. I do. But you know that what we had was- it wasn’t everything. We weren’t _in_ love. You know that my heart was taken by another. And I know that yours is too.”

Arthur scoffed, pulling away. “What are you talking about? I’m not-”

Gwaine laughed out loud. “You’re funny, Arthur. A blind man could see how you feel about Merlin. Did you think we didn’t know?”

Arthur sputtered. “What? Merlin? I don’t- that idiot? You’re crazy. I-”

“You are in love with Merlin. Catch up, Arthur.” Lancelot interrupted. “Now going back. Your heart is taken by another?” 

Lancelot turned to Gwen. Gwen only glared back at Lancelot. “Don’t get me started. I’m still pissed off at you, by the way.”

“For what?”

“For leaving! After we got you back from Hengist’s cage fighting job. You took one look at Arthur, assumed he was in love with me and left. Don’t you think it was my decision to make?” Gwen shot at Lancelot

Lancelot’s mouth opened, then shut. Then opened again. “I thought- well, I-”

“Yeah, that was the problem, Lancelot. You thought whatever your brain came up with was really stupid so-”

“Woah, ok.” Elyan slowly cut between them. “Clearly the three of you have unfinished business that I do not want to be a part of so if you could have the conversation later that would be swell.”

Arthur gaped. “But-”

Elyan’s hand went up. “No. I’m sorry, my lord, but I don’t want any part of this. Gwaine and Percival, go get those jobs and please don’t make fools of yourselves. Just nod along and get some money. Hopefully, I can drop by Avalon to see Merlin again and actually get something from the shop.”

Gwaine and Percival quickly left, ducking their way through the crowded streets. Elyan turned back to the rest of the group. “Lancelot and Leon, go see if you can find any other easy jobs that don’t require a lot of work. Something close by and pays well enough. I’m not sure if the currency has changed at all but I’m sure you guys can figure it out. Gwen and I are going to explore and try to figure out if there is a place we can stay and clean up for some time. Arthur, you stay here with Morgana in case she wakes up. If anyone walks by, just say she’s taking a nap or something. And take off the ropes, it looks like we’re kidnapping her.”

Arthur opened his mouth to protest but Elyan beat him to it. “No. We’ll try to be back here by sundown to catch up and then maybe a few of us can drop by at the fancy tavern to see how Gwaine and Perce are doing. Don’t get lost and if you do, we are at Colby Woodland Park. That’s what the huge sign says and there's a large fountain thing in the middle. You can’t miss it. Come on, Gwen.”

Elyan turned on his heel and walked off. The rest of them stared past him. Leon laughed quietly. “I hadn’t realized how alike Gwen and Elyan were.”

Gwen slapped Leon’s arm. “Hey! I am not that bossy.”

Arthur whistled softly. “Well…”

Gwen scoffed. “Ok, I’m leaving. Be back here by sundown.”

All three knights straightened immediately, lifting their right hand to their head. “Yes, ma’am.”

They all dissolved into laughter as Gwen walked off, quickly catching up to Elyan. It was no secret that they were all terrified of what lay ahead. But they were together and as long as that didn’t change, there was nothing they couldn’t handle.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some light-hearted scenes in this so not all angst but I promise there is a ton of angst coming up so don't worry. I really wasn't joking with the 'Angst with a Happy Ending' tag. 
> 
> Anyway, I hoped you liked it! I'm kind of delving into each character and their relationships now. Honestly, I don't think Merlin is going to be a huge part of this story until later on so hold off on all that. For right now, I'm focusing on the knights and for them to figure out their shit so get ready for some perwaine and gwencelot (is that the ship name?) + angsty Arthur in the next few chapters. I always thought that Elyan and Merlin would've been great friends so get ready for some of that friendship.  
> I also truly believe that Elyan and Gwen are the parents of the group because we all know that Gwen is badass as heck but Elyan is EXACTLY like her (just not as cool bc I love Gwen and no one is as cool as her - the writers honestly did her dirty). Leon is just best friends with everyone because that's the kind of guy he is (just wait till Lance and Arthur find out how Camelot got its heir, they're going to lose their minds because leON?). And Morgana is probably not going to wake up in the next chapter so hold you're horses. She's going to get what she deserves don't worry - I'm still pissed about her entire storyline in canon so this is basically a fix-it ;)
> 
> Haha, thank you to those who actually read all that, I kind of just ranted. Those are my thoughts so just let me know if there is something specific that you want to see in this story. I hope you enjoyed it!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lancelot watched the sun as its rays of red and gold burst across the skyline. “You’re not king anymore, Arthur. Forget about all your responsibilities and destiny. Do what you want. Do what you know is right. And everything else will fall in place.”
> 
> “I’m just scared. What if he never remembers?” Arthur’s voice was hardly a breath.
> 
> Lancelot turned to face him. “Throughout everything, Merlin has never once given up on you. Never once. Don’t give on him. He’ll come through. Just wait.”
> 
> And although Arthur’s answering smile barely reached his eyes, it was blinding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

Gwaine chugged down some beer. “This is so much better than whatever they had The Rising Sun back home. It’s richer and better and I _cannot_ get enough of it.”

Percival raised an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure that you’re not supposed to drink the alcohol yourself. That’s against the rules.”

Gwaine snorted. “Yeah? I think it’s also against the rules to work here without an- what did they call it? An ID? Whatever the hell that is.”

Percival studied the label on one of the drinks. “I still cannot believe you just flirted with the boss lady to get us this job. It’s so illegal.”

Gwaine smirked, leaning over. “What? Are you jealous?”

Percival shoved Gwaine away. “No. Try terrified. The moment someone realizes that she let two strangers have a job here with absolutely no qualifications, we’re out. You’re so lucky she actually fell for it. I’m pretty sure we didn’t lose our ID’s since we’ve never had one anyway.”

Gwaine rolled his eyes, pouring himself another glass. “ _I’m_ pretty sure that was the most words I’ve ever heard you say.”

Percival scoffed. “I’m not that quiet. I guess I just don’t usually like getting that close to people. I guess I failed seeing how I ended up being friends with you.”

Gwaine studied Percival with careful eyes. “Why not? You know, I realized, I don’t know much about where you came from. You grew up with Lancelot, yeah?”

“We met when I was around 22.” Percival hesitated before speaking again. “I actually had a wife. Got married at 28. Had two kids with her. All three of them died in a fire when I was 36. This was just a few years before I had followed Lancelot out to go help Arthur and Merlin. I guess I tried not to get close to anyone again. To not… not fall in love.” Percival chuckled sadly. “I failed.”

The words were a bitter reflection of Gwaine’s last. Percival could still remember the terror that flooded his veins as he tore through the forest to find Gwaine. He could still remember the broken look on his face when Percival had found him. How defeated he was. Gwaine was the comedic relief for them. In even their darkest quests, Gwaine was always there to lighten things up. But when Percival had crashed to his knees in front of Gwaine, that determined look in his eyes was gone. That determined look that Gwaine had when he looked Percival in the eye and smirked. _You know what you said you'd do if you ever found Morgana?_ The kingdom felt like it was moments away from tearing apart at the seams with their King gone and Morgana still out there. But Gwaine had never lost hope. _Well, we've got a good idea where she'll be heading._

His eyes were blank. His head hung down like he’s been drained of his life force. It was as vivid as the day it happened. _I failed._ And no matter how loud Percival screamed his name, Gwaine never woke up. 

A hand landed on his shoulder and Percival jerked. Gwaine was watching him with sad eyes. His head tilted slightly to the left. And now, Percival had a second chance. A chance to prove to Gwaine that he didn’t fail. A chance for Percival to own up and for once in his life be true to himself. 

“Percy. Hey, buddy.” Gwaine hesitated, curling his lip into his mouth. Percival’s eyes couldn’t help but dart to follow the movement. “I-” 

Before Gwaine could finish, their manager swooped in. She slid herself between Gwaine and the counter. “Hey there, handsome. You have a job to do. Rush hours at six. You got all the drinks memorized?” She trailed a hand down Gwaine’s chest, leaning forward slightly, tilting her their heads together. 

Gwaine’s eyes fluttered, his body unconsciously leaning into the touch.

Percival shut his eyes and jerked back. “Sorry. I-I have to take a leak. I’ll be back.”

He pushed himself back, the chair screeching, and turned on his heel, ducking away. His heart pounded in his ears. He couldn’t do this again. He wouldn’t. He’d spent most of his life back in Camelot forcing himself to stay away from Gwaine. Gwaine, who hadn’t had a stable relationship in his entire life. Gwaine, who had someone different in his bed every weekend. Gwaine, the most infuriatingly attractive person Percival knew, and none of it was real. All the flirting and glances and hands on his arm. He would not be one of Gwaine’s casual hookups.

He would not fall into that trap. Not again.

_\--0-o-0--_

Lancelot leaned against the building, watching people bustle by without a glance. Arthur had his face buried in his hands, not bothering to even look up. “Maybe if we dance for them? I saw this man down at the bus station that was dancing and a bunch of people gave him money.”

Arthur glared at Lancelot. “I am _not_ dancing for money. That’s so pathetic.”

“More pathetic than sitting here begging for it? We have no legal documents that would allow us to actually get a job. Whatever Percy and Gwaine have is obviously a fluke, alright? We have to try something.”

Arthur sighed, dropping his head back against the wall. He was silent for three heartbeats. “Why did you leave?”

“I’m sorry?”

“After we rescued Guinevere from Hengist or whatever. You left before morning. Why? Were you trying to be noble and let me have her or something?”

Lancelot was silent. His gaze focused on a point Arthur couldn’t quite decipher. He bit the inside of his cheek and finally replied, “I thought it was noble at the time. I’m not sure if it was the right decision, though. You were the prince, Arthur. I guess in comparison to you, I didn’t think I had a chance anyway.”

Arthur scoffed. “Bullshit. It was the other way around and you know it. Gwen and I never would have married if you hadn’t left. I saw the way she looked at you. Even as my queen, as my wife, she’s never looked at me the way she looked at you. If was up to Gwen, I never would have stood a chance against you. But you took it upon yourself to not give Gwen that choice.”

Lancelot chuckled bitterly. “Yeah. I never did.”

“You weren’t being noble, Lancelot. You were being selfish.”

Lancelot glanced over at Arthur. “It almost sounds like you’re angry at me for letting you have her.”

“I never had her, Lancelot. Her heart always belonged to you. And my heart, as much as I hate to admit it, never belonged to her,” Arthur said, his voice low.

“No,” Lancelot agreed. “It belonged to Merlin.”

“I could spend hours yelling at you for ruining my life but Guinevere was an amazing queen. I guess that’s one thing I could thank you for. I never really let myself be true to what I felt. Guinevere was—” Arthur clenched his jaw, hesitating. “You have a second chance now. We all do. Even though I never truly was in love with her, I realize that I have to let her go. And part of me doesn’t want to. She’s been with me for so long and at some point, that line between friendship and more became so blurred that I’m not sure what exactly she is to me.

“But I do know one thing. I love her. And I want her to be the happiest that she can be. And you are the only one who can be what she deserves. So go after her. Don’t make the same mistakes as last time and don’t let her go. She’s always deserved so much more than whatever I gave her.”

Lancelot’s lips curved into a small smile. “Yeah, you never did deserve her. I could say the same for you. I know Merlin doesn’t exactly remember you, but that’s not an excuse to let him go. He’s changed over the years. You never really knew him as well as you thought you did, Arthur. Honestly, I might have known about his magic but I don’t think I knew a lot about him either.

“He’s always been closed off, especially to those he loves most. He’s always thought of himself as a burden. Get to know this new Merlin, and hopefully, when he gets his memory back, you can get to know all of him.”

Arthur heaved a sigh. “ _If_ he gets his memory back. We don’t even know if he can wake up Morgana and even if he does, then what? We have to first figure things out with her and then hope that she can get Merlin back. Would she even help us if she could?”

“I don’t know, Arthur. I never really knew Morgana. But you did. Merlin did. Even if he doesn’t know it. Given what Merlin has told me, I truly think that Morgana had good intentions. She just….lost her way. And I know Merlin blamed himself for that. We just have to hope that Merlin doesn’t make the same mistakes. I mean, it’s like you said. We have a second chance to fix things. To fix our mistakes. We can’t waste it.”

Arthur met Lancelot’s eyes for the first time that night. “Yeah. A second chance to do what’s right.”

Lancelot watched the sun as its rays of red and gold burst across the skyline. “You’re not king anymore, Arthur. Forget about all your responsibilities and destiny. Do what you want. Do what you know is right. And everything else will fall in place.”

“I’m just scared. What if he never remembers?” Arthur’s voice was hardly a breath.

Lancelot turned to face him. “Throughout everything, Merlin has never once given up on you. Never once. Don’t give on him. He’ll come through. Just wait.”

And although Arthur’s answering smile barely reached his eyes, it was blinding.

_\--0-o-0--_

Elyan stared up at the sign in front of the shop. _Avalon’s Coffee Shop._ Elyan wasn’t shy. In fact, he was the complete opposite of shy when he was with those he loved most. Growing up, he was best friends with not only his sister and Leon but the farmer’s son as well as the children of the tailer that Elyan’s family always went to. The tailor’s wife was the only mother figure he had ever had. His own mother had died of a disease when he was barely three years old. 

The point was that Elyan could make friends fairly easily. He had met Merlin through Gwen. He could still remember the day Merlin come to rescue him with Gwen and Arthur. Merlin had instantly gained Elyan’s respect when he put Gwen’s life before his own without hesitation. When he had pushed him and Gwen outside and told them to go back to Camelot, with absolutely no regard for his own safety. Merlin and Elyan had quickly become close afterward and that friendship only strengthened when Elyan became a knight. 

Elyan had always known that there was something about Merlin that was different. He was like a good luck charm, bringing nothing was success and survival wherever he went. He managed to get out of seemingly every impossible battle without a scratch though he never even wore an inch of armor. Finding out that he had magic wasn’t really a surprise. He had no idea, obviously, but when he found out, it was like putting together the last piece of the puzzle. It made sense and honestly, Elyan was ashamed he never realized it. Merlin was terrible at keeping secrets but it seemed that the Knights of Camelot weren’t as observant as they thought.

Elyan had always known that he wasn’t as close to Merlin as Gwaine or Lancelot was. As Arthur was. But this was another life. Another chance. And maybe this time, Elyan could get to know the real Merlin. No secrets. No lies. And he couldn’t wait.

-~-~-

The moment the man entered the shop, Merlin knew that they’d met before. Dressed in ratty old clothes and looking entirely uncomfortable in his own skin, he walked with a sort of intent, as if he came here for one thing and he wouldn’t leave without it. 

“Welcome to Avalon! What can I get for you?” Merlin asked, smiling at the nervous man.

“What do you recommend?” He leaned against the counter, squinting at the menu that was posted above Merlin’s head.

“Personally, my favorite is the Caffe Mocha but the Latte Machiatto is also really popular right about now.”

“Ah. Which of those is the least expensive?”

Merlin couldn’t help but laugh. “The Caffe Mocha. Only three pounds. Would you like one?”

The man nodded, sliding a bill across the counter. “Would this cover it?”

“Oh yeah. That’s more than enough. Would you like anything else?”

“No, thank you.” He shoved one hand into his pocket, rocking back on his heels. 

Merlin popped open the cash register and counted out his change before dumping it into the man’s free hand. “It’ll be ready in a couple of minutes. Can I have a name for the cup?”

“Elyan. My name is Elyan.” The man shot Merlin a soft smile, obviously still uncomfortable.

Merlin gave him what he hoped was a reassuring grin. “Elyan. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Merlin.”

Elyan tilted his head to the side and looked at Merlin with an almost indecipherable gaze. “I know.”

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! This was a bit short but don't worry, longer chapters are on the way. This was kind of a filler to get things moving along. So I'm starting school again since our thanksgiving break is soon to be over (sad!) so the updates might not come as fast but please be patient. I'll try to do it once a week or so. Anyway, the next chapter is going to fly by, and then Morgana is going to join the picture and I'm so excited! Thank you to everyone who has been reading this story so far, really you all mean the world to me. Let me know how it was and if there is something you would like to see in the comments.
> 
> Stay safe and wear a mask <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Percival sighed bitterly, shaking his head. “We were both drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing until I woke up in his bed. It was that moment I saw Gwaine snoring into the sheets I realized how much I loved him. It was stupid of me to think it mattered. We never talked about it and I- I guess I was just another one of his drunken hook-ups.”
> 
> “If you think that then you’re even stupider than I thought.” Percival jerked up, twisting his head towards the new voice. Gwaine was leaning against the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)  
> ~
> 
> I'm thinking about making this story about 22 chapters. It might go a bit over but I FINALLY got an outline going so around that. It's going to be over 30 though so yeah. Anyway, get ready for some perwaine, baby! I'm so excited.

_ Whatever twisted game you are playing, I want no part in it. I would rather stay here and die. _

Gwen watched Morgana breathe. Her breaths were even and constant. And Gwen hated how beautiful she looked. Even with dirt smeared across her face and her hair curling down her back in messy parts. 

_ Gwen, you're not alone now.  _

Gwen sighed pushing the palms of her face into her eyes until her vision danced with colorful spots.

_ You need never be alone again.  _

For the longest time, Gwen had believed that Morgana would come back home. That she would realize what she was doing and come to seek the comfort that Gwen had always given her. Gwen could still remember the days Morgana would wake up screaming, only to calm at Gwen’s words.

_ I am the only one you can trust.  _

The first time Gwen’s hope had faltered was when Arthur had tried to take back Camelot from her. When she had attacked Gwen simply because she might one day become queen. If the ceiling of the corridor hadn’t crumbled, Gwen knew she never would have won that fight. Not against Morgana.

_ I am the only one you have left in the world. _

But her hope had completely drained after the dark tower. Gwen remembered very little about what happened afterward when she was enchanted. But what occurred in the dark tower itself was as vivid as the day it happened. The dark air and haunting laughs of those she loved still sent shivers down her spine. Morgana’s almost kind face as she reached a steady hand out to take Gwen’s trembling one.

Gwen bit down on the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood. She could still remember the amount of trust she had felt for Morgana at that point. The sympathy. The love.

And now, according to Lancelot, Morgana had also been the reason she had betrayed Arthur. The reason she was banished from Camelot. From her friends. From Arthur. And all Morgana had cared about was that she was away from her throne.

Looking back, Gwen also remembered the first time she and Arthur had gone out together. When Uther and Morgana had just happened to show up right about then. She could still see the dark smirk curling at Morgana’s lips as Gwen was dragged away to her execution. Gwen had dismissed it afterward but looking back, she knew that it was just another one of her schemes to get on the throne. And it made Gwen ache a thousand times more.

She had been the one to tell the others to give Morgana a chance, but Gwen herself was terrified of what to expect. In this world, there was no Camelot. No throne. No magic. That was all Gwen had to count on. And she had to hope that Morgana could let go of all the anger and hatred in her. That Morgana would help them get Merlin back. Because that was the only thing keeping her going.

_ \--0-o-0-- _

Merlin stumbled over his feet, laughing. “Are you from the country or something? Have you never seen a TV?”

Elyan touched the screen, his eyes filled with awe. “Are they trapped in there or something? Can they get out?”

“They’re not trapped in there, mate. It’s a news channel. They’re sitting in a news studio somewhere and being recorded.”

“Recorded?”

Merlin stared up at Elyan, raising an eyebrow. “Jesus. Ok, you have a lot to learn. How the hell have you survived in this world for so long?”

Elyan shot Merlin an uncomfortable smile. “I haven’t been out much. I mean that’s why I have you right? You can be my guide to the world.”

Merlin pulled Elyan away from the TV. “Yeah. Because that’s all I am to you. I see where I stand now, Elyan. Thanks.”

Elyan grinned at Merlin. After going to the shop every day for nearly two weeks, Elyan had finally got up the courage to invite Merlin to lunch. After a very awkward conversation of assuring that neither of them had intentions of going beyond friendship, they had gone out to get some Italian food, which was quickly becoming Elyan’s favorite. Thankfully, Merlin had insisted that he pay, since Elyan had barely any money on him.

Merlin was different. It was the first thing Elyan had noticed when he got to know him again. This new Merlin was more open. Less stressed and freer. Elyan hadn’t noticed at the time but in Camelot, Merlin always looked like he had a huge weight on his shoulders. Even though all his easy smiles and banter, he had this curve to his back that suggested he was under pressure. Now, Merlin’s eyes were relaxed. His entire attention was focused on Elyan rather than darting around to constantly take in their surroundings.

Elyan couldn’t help but wonder how Merlin didn’t know. He must have noticed that he was immortal. And Elyan honestly didn’t think that someone could be alive for so long and still be so… happy.

“Hey. Earth to Elyan?”

Elyan jerked back to reality. Merlin’s eyebrows were furrowed, watching him with worry. “You with me? You kind of zoned out.”

Elyan struggled for a moment to recall what they were talking about. “Sorry. I was just thinking about some of my other friends. They grew up kind of sheltered. Similar to me. And I thought that it would be nice if I could introduce you? It would nice to have someone who knows what they’re doing because we’re basically homeless and broke.”

Merlin’s mouth fell open. “Oh. Oh shit, I’m sorry. You’re homeless? Why are you telling me this now? I could have made all your drinks on the house. You shouldn’t be wasting money.”

Elyan waved him off. “Hey, no it’s fine. I just thought that maybe you could help us find some jobs or something. We don’t need money from you or anything so I don’t want you to worry but it would be nice if you could drop by?”

Elyan held his breath, hoping that it wasn’t too soon to spring his friends on Merlin. It had only been two weeks and he could not afford to scare Merlin off after all his hard work.

Merlin’s face lit up. “I would love that. Where are you guys staying? Just on the road? Because I have a spare room in my flat. I don’t know how many friends you have but-”

“Woah. Hey, no. That’s alright. We’re at a homeless shelter a couple of blocks down. Really we don’t need any charity or anything.”

“It’s not charity. I mean what kind of friend would I be if I don’t help?”

“Really, it’s fine. If you just drop by that would be more than enough. Truly.” 

Merlin glanced at his watch and then turned around, looking down the street. “I’m free now if you want me to come by. I think I can skip my usual sketching session for one day.”

“Are you sure? You can always come by this weekend if you’re busy right now,” Elyan said, trying his hardest to shove down the hope rising in his chest.

Merlin pressed his lips together. He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “Do you want me to come by this weekend? Because I can but I’m also free now. Whatever you want.”

Elyan knew that Percival and Gwaine were probably at the pub working and Lancelot and Arthur were out exploring so only Leon and Gwen were back with Morgana. He knew that Arthur would likely want to be there when she wakes up but there was also a high chance that Merlin would recognize Arthur and flee. He made a split-second decision. “Come by this weekend. Saturday around 2? It’s at the Restorative Homeless Shelter a couple of blocks down. I can drop by the shop to take you there if you can’t find it.”

“Oh. I’ve seen that shelter before. I can find my own way there. Ok, so tomorrow at 2. I’ll see you then?”

“Yeah. I’ll see you.” Elyan said.

Merlin turned before hesitated slightly. “Do you want—? I mean- Do you need dinner or does the shelter offer that?”

Elyan scuffed the toe of his boot into the ground. “Um, we- we manage a few scraps. A couple of my friends work down at the bar so for right now, we’re okay.”

Merlin nodded. “Ah. Ok. Here. It’s not charity, okay? It’s just a thank you. I’ve been stuck with the same friends for a while and as great as Rowan is, it was nice to get out with someone else. Take it.”

Elyan stared at the fifty pound bill. His gaze flickered to Merlin and then back at the bill. “Merlin—”

“I’m not taking no for an answer.” Merlin grabbed Elyans hands and pushed the money into it. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

Elyan curled his hand around the bill. “Yeah. See you.”

Merlin smiled, turned on his heel, and left. Elyan didn’t realize he was clenching the money in his hand until he had gotten back to the shelter.

-~-~-

“This weekend? Are you serious?” Arthur demanded, his voice going high.

Elyan rubbed his forehead. “Yeah. At two. And I don’t think that you, Lance, and Gwaine should be here.”

“This is my sister, Elyan. I’m not leaving.”

“Arthur, he’s right. He’s already seen you guys and might get scared. You three just go off and explore. The rest of us will take care of Morgana. Don’t worry.” Gwen pleaded.

“Explore? I’ve been exploring for the past two weeks, Gwen. Besides Merlin’s seen you too. I’m tired. I-” Gwen cut Arthur off.

“We both know this isn’t about Morgana, okay? You want to see Merlin again, I know, but you have to be patient. We can’t rush things. Aside from you and Merlin, I know Morgana best. I barely talked to Merin and he probably won’t connect the dots. Elyan has Merlin’s trust now and Leon and Percival haven’t made fools of themselves and will stay quiet. If this works, then we’ll be one step closer to getting Merlin back.”

Arthur was silent. Elyan took that as acceptance. “Ok, so he’s going to be here tomorrow afternoon. We don’t want to overwhelm him so just the four of us is enough.”

Lancelot spoke up, “Gwaine can go get some more money. Arthur and I will go out and try to earn something dancing or whatever.”

“I am not dancing.” Arthur spat.

“You most certainly are. I showed you the other day, remember? We can give the crowd a show, yeah?” Lancelot winked.

Arthur gaped at him for a moment. “You are spending way too much time with Gwaine.”

“Speaking of spending time with Gwaine, do you want to come work with me, Percy? Three people might be a bit less overwhelming than four?” Gwaine smirked, but his eyes were hopeful.

Percival was waving him off before Gwaine finished speaking. “Nah. I’m sure you can manage one day without me, Gwaine. I’ll stick around here just in case.”

Gwaine’s face immediately fell, but half a second later his lips curled up again. “Ok then. Don’t miss me too much.”

Gwaine turned and ducked away into the other room, leaving the air tense. Lancelot whistled lowly. “Jeez, Percy. What the hell happened between you two.”

Percival yanked his eyes away from the door. “Nothing. I’ve just been spending too much time with him. I mean, you know what hours of nothing but Gwaine can do to you, right?

“Yeah.” Leon tilted his head, raising an eyebrow. “Can it make you fall in love with him?”

Percival stiffened, his jaw audibly clicking shut. “I’m not in love with him.”

Arthur scoffed. “Yeah, and I’m not in love with Merlin.”

Gwen’s face lit up. “Hey! Look at you finally owning up to your feelings. Does this mean you’re cool?”

“I’m most certainly not okay with you and Lancelot getting lovey-dovey if that’s what you mean.” Arthur rolled his eyes.

Lancelot smirked. “Whatever happened to ‘don’t let her go’ and ‘you’re the only one who deserves her’?”

Gwen’s head snapped to Arthur. “Wait, what? You said that to him?”

“I most certainly did not.” Arthur turned to glare at Lancelot. “I did not.”

Lancelot snorted, curling an arm around Gwen’s shoulders. “Don’t worry, love. I got his blessing.”

Arthur gawked at the two of them before muttering something beneath his breath and stomping out of the room. Gwen rolled her eyes, ducking out of Lancelot’s arms. “I don’t know why people ever called you the noblest knight. Goodness, Lancelot. Must you work him up so much?”

Gwen swept out of the room without waiting for a reply, leaving Lancelot snickering, something warm blooming in his chest. Elyan’s gaze was still trained on Percival, whose eyes were unfocused at a point somewhere to the left of Lancelot, where Gwen had just been. Leon looked over at Lancelot and jerked his head towards Percival before going to follow Gwen and Arthur. Elyan took the cue and turned to go into the next room, where Gwaine was probably brooding.

“Hey, Perce.” Lancelot lowered his voice into a soft whisper.

Percival finally met Lancelot’s gaze. “I’m happy for you. You and Gwen look… happy.” 

Percival winced at the awkward words and scratched his jaw, turning away. Lancelot stopped him, muttering to himself. “Why am I the love therapist for everyone?”

Lancelot pulled on Percival’s arm, guiding him towards the couch. “Come on, sit. I did this with Arthur, I can do it with you. Talk to me. How’s Gwaine?”

Percival went boneless, sinking to the wrinkled cloth. “I don’t know.”

“Haven’t you two been spending every day together at the pub?” Lancelot asked.

“We did the first few days and then I kind of moved to the other side and we don’t really talk anymore.” Percival’s voice was reluctant, barely a breath.

Lancelot relaxed next to him. “Why?”

Percival was quiet, but Lancelot knew from experience that he’d talk soon or later. After several minutes, he spoke again. “I told Gwaine. About Helaine and my sons. I told him… that I fell in love again. And Gwaine’s smart enough to know who.”

Lancelot sighed. “Look, Perce. Gwaine isn’t very good at relationships. You know that. He’s never had a real one. But I know Gwaine. I see the way he looks at you.”

“We slept together once. A year or so before Camlamn. Before he died.” Percival whispered.

“You- you what?” Lancelot froze, staring at Percival.

Percival sighed bitterly, shaking his head. “We were both drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing until I woke up in his bed. It was that moment I saw Gwaine snoring into the sheets I realized how much I loved him. It was stupid of me to think it mattered. We never talked about it and I- I guess I was just another one of his drunken hook-ups.”

“If you think that then you’re even stupider than I thought.” 

Percival jerked up, twisting his head towards the new voice. Gwaine was leaning against the wall. His eyes were rimmed a light pink and his hair was pulled back into a small ponytail.

“You were never just another hook-up. How could you think that?” Gwaine’s voice shook, his eyes more vulnerable than Percival has ever seen.

Lancelot stood up, gripping his shoulder, and made his way of the room, leaving the two men alone. Gwaine stepped forward. They were silent for a moment. Gwaine opened his mouth, considering his words before he spoke. “I’ve been in love once. It was years ago. I met him before I first came to Camelot. And I fell head over heels for him. I didn’t realize it until I met him the second time. That was also the same time I realized that the man I was in love with was in love with someone else.”

Percival studied Gwaine as he slunk over to the sofa and sank down. The name left his mouth before Percival’s mind could even catch up. “Merlin.”

Gwaine smiled softly. “Merlin. I’m not surprised you realized. I still remember when he came running into a tavern, miles away from the border of Camelot, asking me for help to go after Arthur.” Gwaine focused on a point on the peeling wall. “Merlin was running after Arthur and I was running after Merlin. I got over him a few years later.”

Percival furrowed his eyebrows. “Years?”

Gwaine glanced up. “Yeah. It was the first time I’ve ever been in love. It took me some time to realize that my affections weren’t returned. And then a couple of years later, I fell for someone else.”

Percival looked away, his face heating up. Gwaine caught his chin, forcing Percival to look at him. “We became best friends instantly. We would always run around and play pranks and steal food from the kitchens. And when it came down to it, I realized that what I thought was love for Merlin was more of a love of the feeling I got when I was with him rather than Merlin himself. But at the end of the day, I couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He would get sick of me real quick.

“But this other man, he was different. I didn’t instantly fall for him. We were friends. I hadn’t realized when that careful line I drew between friends and more was skewed. I have one rule when it comes to sleeping around. I never do it with friends. Never. And when I woke up to you beside me, I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t disgusted or ashamed of what I had done. It was natural. It felt right. And it took me a moment to realize what I had done. And I panicked. I pushed you away and if I ever made you feel like you were just another one of my hook-ups then I am so sorry.”

Percival was silent. Gwaine pulled his hands away, tucking them beneath his thighs. Percival's heart pounded in his ears and his mind was going a million miles per hour because _it felt right?_ Percival took in a shaky breath and exhaled. “You don’t have to worry about me getting sick of you. I’ve spent the past two weeks working with you while you were half-drunk the entire time. Granted, I kind of avoided you but, I’ll never get sick of you. Really.”

A soft smile curled at Gwaine’s lips and before Percival knew what he was doing he pulled Gwaine into a hug. Wrapping his arms around his midsection, Percival tucked Gwaine’s face into his neck and nosed through his hair, which was quickly falling out of its band. Gwaine relaxed into him and tightened his grip around Percival’s shoulders. Time seemed to slow down but neither man had any intention of moving. Gwaine shut his eyes and gathered all the confidence in him. He whispered softly into Percival’s neck, “I love you.”

And though Percival didn’t return the words, the tightening of his arms around Gwaine was more than enough for him.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing too intense in this chapter but I hope you liked it! Don't worry we got some drama on its way so please be patient with me. There's some gwencelot coming up in the next chapter and some more angst-ridden conversations because that's what I love most. And Morgana is waking up VERY soon so get ready. Let me know how it was in the comments; they keep me going and are my go-to source of motivation. Stay safe <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At Merlin's name, Morgana shuddered, her eyelids twitching like she’s going to wake up. Merlin carefully crouched on the other side of Morgana, watching her curiously. He slowly placed a hand on her forehead and gasped at the sudden rush of power that rippled through him. The temperature seemed to drop and Morgana took in a gasped breath. And her eyes shot open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

Merlin had gotten very good at hiding his feelings. Like scary good. He pulled up smiles and kept up the pretense and sometimes he let himself be happy. But he never let himself fall down. He learned the hard way that to let people in, was to tell people about himself, and Merlin was terrified of actually telling someone that he was immortal. He only let himself go once a week. When he got drunk. 

He had made it very clear to all the few people in his life that weekend nights were his and nobody was to disturb him. Weekend nights were spent with strangers and wine and the wild thoughts in his mind. It was Friday night. Merlin knew that that next day he was meeting Elyan’s friends and thinking about that just hurt Merlin even more. The way Elyan had given him a soft smile, scuffing the toe of his boot against the concrete. _We’re basically homeless and broke._ Merlin couldn’t help thinking how similar the situation was to him. Merlin had a flat. He had money in his pocket and a roof over his head but that was wildly different than having a home. 

Elyan spoke of his friends fondly. Like they had known each other for years. Elyan didn’t have money or a roof, but he was surrounded by the people he loved and knew. Merlin had everything he needed to survive in the world, but he couldn’t imagine growing up and knowing even just a few people, and staying with them for life. Merlin wondered which was worse. Which was more valuable. A physical home? Or a home that resided in the people around him, even if they slept on the streets.

Merlin uncorked his bottle of wine and downed nearly a quarter of it in one gulp. The wine was bitter on his tongue, and Merlin smacked his lips noisily. He wondered if he could give Elyan and his friends his own flat. Merlin ought to pack up and leave soon anyway. It had been more than five years and Merlin’s skin itched to move. He leaned over the railing of the balcony, the bottle balancing precariously in his hands. He wondered what would happen if he loosened his grip on the bottle. Just a little bit. Just enough for it to slip from his grasp and shatter on the concrete, four floors down.

Merlin gazed down the dark street and watched nothing in particular. His head throbbed and Merlin wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. But he stayed for god knows how long, watching, and waiting and wondering why his life constantly felt like it was hanging over an edge. Like one wrong move and everything would shatter but no matter how hard Merin tried, he couldn’t loosen his grip. There was a gaping void that Merlin had always known was there. He couldn’t deny the curiosity that came with it. There was a time when Merlin had spent all night at the library to see what was wrong with him and the only thing he could find was some old legend about a golden king and immortal warlock.

Merlin had stared at the page for a good five heartbeats, something in his mind ringing as if he was just there and if he pushed a little harder than everything would make sense but Merlin refused to move and stared at the screen until his vision went blurry and the words merged into a fumbled mess that he could no longer decipher. Merlin forgot about it the next day.

But that curiosity had waned over the years. Twisted and curled in on itself until Merlin had barely noticed it was there in the first place. Barely noticed the cliff at his feet and the dense fog that clouded his mind and if he just took a few steps forward and peered through then maybe, just maybe he could—

Merlin’s hand went slack. The half-empty bottle of wine dropped like a rock and shattered against the concrete. The crack resounded in Merlin’s ears. He peered down. The glass shards had scattered across the sidewalk, and even onto the street and the wine that dripped down, seeping into the cracks of the concrete glowed like blood against the fluorescent street lights. Merlin swallowed, the faint taste of day-old wine sticking to his tongue. He pushed away from the railing, away from the edge, and walked away.

_\--0-o-0--_

Gwen clasped her hand over her mouth, barely containing her smile at the two men twirling on the grass. Lancelot had long abandoned trying to get Arthur to get up from his spot on the bench and was perfectly content to dance alongside Gwaine, who had volunteered in an instant. The sun was just rising behind the skyline and the early morning breeze was a relief against the humid air. 

Lancelot twirled Gwaine and they both stumbled, barely able to stand up straight through the laughter that wracked their bodies.

“Come on, Lancelot. I thought you knew how to lead. What the hell is this?” Gwaine teased, stepping forward to loop his hands back around Lancelot’s shoulders.

Lancelot’s eyes twinkled as he smirked at Gwaine. “Oh, like you could do any better.”

Gwaine raised an eyebrow. “Is that a challenge?”

Before Lancelot could reply, Gwaine pulled him to a twirl and then dipped Lancelot into an extravagant bow. Lancelot, caught by surprise, tripped over his feet and crashed to the ground, pulling Gwaine with him.

“Oh my god. What are you two doing?” 

Lancelot dropped his head against the grass, uncaring about the morning dew that wet his hair, and looked at Percival, who had just come outside. “It’s Arthur’s fault. He left me to work with Gwaine who is a terrible dancer by the way.”

Percival snorted. “You think you can earn money on the streets dancing like that?”

Gwaine rolled off of Lancelot and onto his stomach, propping his chin in the palms of his hands, his elbows digging into the ground. “I am amazing at dancing, thank you very much. Lancelot can’t lead, though. Which is a problem because someone has to lead and it can’t be Arthur.”

Arthur, who had been silently watching the entire time, sat up at the mention of his name. “Excuse me? Why can’t I lead?”

“First of all, you don’t even want to dance with Lancelot. And second of all, don’t give me that shit, Arthur. You are literally the epitome of a bottom.”

Lancelot snickered loudly as Arthur sputtered. “What? I most certainly am not.”

Gwen shot a look at Arthur. “Oh, I beg to differ.”

Arthur's mouth dropped open and before he could speak, Elyan came jogging out onto the lawn. “Good morning! What are you guys talking about?”

“The fact that your sister totally topped Arthur in bed,” Gwaine replies, grinning at Gwen.

Elyan, who had just tipped his head back to drink water, choked, nearly snorting water out of his nose. Gwaine burst out laughing and rolled on his back, stretching over the grass. Lancelot pulled himself up, shaking his head.

Elyan wiped his mouth, looking traumatized. “I did _not_ need to know that.”

Arthur groaned. “Thanks, Gwen. I’m sure everyone appreciates you telling them.”

Gwen grabbed the water bottle from Elyan and winked at Arthur. “The people needed to know, Arthur. I’m only giving the truth. And the truth is that it doesn’t matter that you were king, you were still such a bottom. And I topped you.”

Percival rolled his eyes. “And that’s the tea.”

Elyan glared at Percival. “Oh my god, shut up. You have no idea how many times Merlin says that.”

Gwaine laughed. “There is this one guy we work with at the pub, Joel, and says ‘that’s the tea’ and like ‘yeet’ all the time? And Percival has started saying all these weird things now and honestly—”

Elyan interrupted, “Ok, enough. Please, Percival, never say that again. Merlin’s going to be here in a couple of hours so you guys need to get ready to leave soon. And please, for Avalon’s sake, don’t do that atrocious dance I saw you guys doing from inside the shelter.”

Gwaine gasped, mock offended. “My god, Elyan. That was my best performance and you put me down like that? I’m not sure I can live with this betrayal—”

“Yeah, yeah.” Percival grabbed Gwaine’s arm, yanking him to his feet. “You can cry about the betrayal on our way to the pub. Our shift starts in half an hour.”

Gwaine scrunched up his face. “Ugh. Work. But that’s so boring, babe. I don’t know if I can make it through the day.”

Arthur rose to his feet, rolling his shoulders. “Would my company help? Because let’s face it, Lancelot’s dancing isn’t going to get us any money and I’d rather be spared of the sight.”

Percival’s face lit up. “Oh, that would be great. I need to spend time with someone other than Gwaine.”

“Ok. Wow. If I had known I would be so attacked today I never would have come out here. What the hell happened to ‘I’ll never get sick of you’?” Gwaine fisted his hands on his hips, pouting.

Percival smiled mockingly, patting Gwaine’s cheek. “If that’s what you got from what I said yesterday, then you are sorely mistaken. Sorry.”

Percival turned on his heel, heading back towards the shelter. Gwaine stared after him for a moment before breaking into a run. “Hey, wait up! What the hell does that mean?”

Arthur turned to Lancelot. “I’m going to the pub with them. You coming?”

Lancelot waved Arthur away. “Yeah, sure. I am good at dancing, by the way. I just can’t lead.”

Elyan cracked a smile. “Yeah, it's a shame. If only Arthur wasn’t a bottom then he could lead.”

Arthur pointed a finger at Elyan. “Ok, literally. I’m leaving. And I never want to hear you guys talk about whether I’m a bottom or not ever again.”

Arthur stormed away and Elyan grabbed his water bottle back from Gwen and took off after him. “Hey, Arthur. Did that know that-”

“I swear to god, Elyan. I will execute you.” Arthur yelled.

Gwen laughed softly, watching as the boys chased each other to the shelter. “Are you joining them at the pub?”

Lancelot sighed. “Probably. Gwaine and Arthur would burn the place down. And Percival would just stand by laughing his ass off.”

Gwen clucked her tongue. “I don’t know, Lancelot. If you’re in the right mood I think you can take down the place yourself.”

Lancelot scoffed but didn’t bother denying it. He glanced over at Gwen. Her black curls were half pinned up and she was dressed in an oversized donated sweatshirt and dark leggings that reached her ankles. Her hands were stuffed in her pockets and she was swaying side to side gently. Lancelot was suddenly overcome with a wave of affection for her. Gwen looked up, her dark eyes shining in the morning sun. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Arthur’s words came back to Lancelot in a rush from a conversation that felt like ages ago. 

_If it was up to Gwen, I never would have stood a chance against you. But you took it upon yourself to not give Gwen that choice._

Lancelot sucked in a breath. “I’m sorry. For everything. I know it doesn’t take anything back or fix anything but if there’s one thing I regret about my life back in Camelot it was letting you go. It was leaving you for the stupidest reason and wasting my chance to have a life with you. And if you’ll let me, I’d like to make up for it. We got a second chance and I would rather not waste it.”

Gwen was silent. She chewed on her lip and glanced at her feet. “Yeah. We do have a second chance. And honestly, as much as I want to scream and yell at you, I’m not sure how long we have in this world. I feel partly responsible anyway. I never should’ve let you go. And we’ve wasted so much time already.”

Lancelot hesitated slightly, before reaching out and tugging on Gwen’s arm to loop her fingers through his. “We have.”

Gwen smiled softly. “I meant what I said, you know. Back at Hengist’s. It was so long ago but I never forgot what you did that day. I mean, It didn’t work, but you were willing to sacrifice yourself for me. _As long as I live, my feelings for you will never fade._ And I did die but now I’m alive again. And those feelings still haven’t faded.”

“I remember that. I meant what I said too. _You have given me a reason to live._ Before I met you, I was aimlessly wandering around, wasting my life away. It was because of you that I became a knight. That I became who I am.” Lancelot lowered his voice to a whisper.

Gwen's eyes were troubled as she dragged them over to the nearby bench. “I wanted to know. Before you... died, I had asked you to protect Arthur. And you said that you would. You would protect him with your life. I wanted to know-”

“It’s not your fault, Gwen. I didn’t sacrifice myself because you told me to. I would’ve done that regardless. I sacrificed myself for Merlin. I couldn’t let him die in Arthur’s place. Not with all he still had to do. Not with his destiny and everything. Don’t blame yourself, Gwen. I made that decision myself.”

Gwen hastily wiped the tears that had escaped. “Oh. For Merlin. For years I thought-”

Lancelot leaned forward, pressing a feather-soft kiss to her cheek. “Don’t ever blame yourself. I did what I thought was right. And it just so happened that I lost my life along the way. But it was because of you that I had a life to lose. But let’s forget that. This is a new world. A new chance. And we’re both alive, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Gwen’s voice was barely a breath. She looked up at Lancelot. “We’re both alive.”

And the two sat there until the sun had risen to the top of the sky.

_\--0-o-0--_

Merlin ran his fingers across the donate sign that stood before the Restorative Homeless Shelter. He thumbed through his wallet, cursing the fact he didn’t have enough money. He’d always been able to survive off of the money he made at Avalon but it was just enough to live off. No extra money. Merlin had basically done everything he wished to do anyway so there was no need. 

He pulled out a few twenties and dropped it into the large jar. He hoisted up the cardboard box at his feet and slid it across the table. “Hi. This is a bunch of old stuff I have. Am I able to donate it here?”

The woman behind the counter dragged the box over and rummaged through it. She pulled out a ratty old blanket with Disney princess all over it and raised an eyebrow at Merlin. Merlin just shot her a nervous smile. She shook her head and dropped the box on the other side of the table. She pushed over a couple of forms. “Fill those out. You can get a few free coupons with the donation as well.”

Merlin quickly signed the forms and gave them back to her. “I’ll pass. Thanks. Um, when do visiting hours end?”

“6 pm. You got a good four hours. Who are you visiting?” 

“A friend of mine. His name is Elyan and he’s with a few other people. About this high, dark skin, short-cropped hair?” Merlin was pretty proud to admit he had a few inches on Elyan.

“Go around the back, and stop by shelter #3. Take the visitor's badge and make sure to return it once you’re done.” The woman tossed him a dark blue badge that read VISITOR in bold letters. Merlin clipped it to his shirt and thanked the women.

He pushed through the gates and slipped behind the building. The narrow alleyway opened into a wide clearing about three-fourths the size of a football field. Small shelters were set up across the grass and it was pretty clear of people. Most of them seemed to have left the shelter around the afternoon. Merlin made his way to shelter #3 and gave a tentative knock on the old wooden door.

There was a loud curse from inside and the door cracked open and Elyan slipped out, shutting the door before Merlin could get a glimpse inside. “Hey. Merlin! You’re … on time.”

Merlin tilted his head. “Yeah. Is everything alright?”

Elyan nodded vigorously. “Yes. Come on. I’ll show what the main building looks like. It’s a pretty nice place.”

Elyan dragged Merlin over to the large building and pushed him inside. Elyan ducked through a few hallways before presenting him with a vending machine that was nestled between the bathrooms and janitor’s closet. “This is a vending machine. And it is by far the coolest thing ever. Like, even cooler than a TV. Have you used one before?”

Merlin chuckled softly. “I have, actually. I used to work at a huge tech company as a PA and there were vending machines everywhere. My boss loved the chips in them. They have it here too. The really salty ones?”

Elyan pursed his lips. “A tech company? You left there to work at a coffee shop?”

Merlin cursed as he realized his mistake. He had actually worked at the tech company in the early 1900s in Spain. And he really shouldn’t have been alive then. “I-uh. Well, this was a couple of years ago. I got fired actually. Because I… ate my boss's chips.”

Elyan stared at him for a moment, incredulous. “You-”

Merlin waved him off. “Yeah, I know. It was stupid. Anyway, where are these friends of yours? I’d like to meet them?”

If Elyan noticed the sudden subject change, he didn’t comment. He peeked around through the window and then pulled Merlin away. “Yeah, I’ll show you. They’re back at the shelter.”

Merlin let himself be dragged away. “The shelter we were just at?”

“Yeah. Um, they weren’t exactly ready yet. They just want to make a good first impression.”

“If they’re your friends, Elyan, then in my mind they already have.”

Elyan stopped, glancing at Merlin, whose lips curled up the tiniest bit. Elyan let out a breath. “Yeah. We’ve got Leon and Gwen. They’re both pretty chill. And also Morgana. I bet she’s still sleeping. I mean, she can never wake up. Hopefully, you can help.”

Elyan’s grip on Merlin tightened as if he was nervous and Merlin squeezed back before letting go of him. “I’d be honored to help.”

Elyan smiled shakily and pushed the back door open. They made their way to shelter #3 and Elyan paused in front of the door. Merlin reached up to touch Elyan’s tensed shoulder. “Hey. Are you okay? You don’t have to be nervous. I’m sure your friends are great.”

Elyan let out a breath. “Yeah.”

Before he could open the door, it swung open on its own. On the other side was another man. He had light red-brown hair curling around his ears and a bright smile on his face. “Hi! You must be Merlin. I’m Leon.”

Merlin slipped his hand into Leon’s. “Hello. Elyan’s told a lot about you guys.”

Leon pulled the door completely open, revealing a woman. Her dark hair was pinned back and her eyes were anxious. Something about her sparked a bit of familiarity in him. Something about the way her eyes crinkled and her hands were twisting in a nervous gesture. “Hello. You must be Gwen?”

Gwen's face lit up for a moment. “You know me?”

“Uh, no. Elyan was just telling me about you. I’m sorry. Have we met? Have you come to Avalon’s shop anytime recently?” Merlin instantly regretted the question, remembering that this woman was homeless.

“I haven’t actually. Elyan is the only one who likes to explore. I don’t think we've met.” Her eyes held a bit of disappointment but it vanished before Merlin could figure out why.

Elyan appeared behind him. “You want to meet Morgana?

He led him to the back of the shelter where there was a lone cot. A woman was asleep, hastily dressed in an old pale green dress. Her dark hair was braided down one side and her face was peaceful. She twisted in the bed, a soft sound escaping her mouth. “Is she alright?”

Gwen knelt by the bed. “Morgana. Wake up. There’s someone here for you. His name is Merlin.”

At Merlin's name, Morgana shuddered, her eyelids twitching like she was going to wake up. Merlin carefully crouched on the other side of Morgana, watching her curiously. He slowly placed a hand on her forehead and gasped at the sudden rush of power that rippled through him. The temperature seemed to drop and Morgana took in a gasped breath. And her eyes shot open.

_\--0-o-0--_

Lancelot let out a breath, leaning against the bar. The pub was basically empty since it was only the afternoon. “I think that was the most stressful thing I’ve done in my entire life.”

Gwaine laughed. “Yeah? More stressful than dying?”

Lancelot glared up at Gwaine. “Yes. One-hundred percent. It's all Leon’s fault, though. He’s the one who slept in. If Merlin had seen us before Elyan dragged him away… ”

Gwaine poured himself a glass of wine, uncaring that it wasn’t even 3:00 yet. He raised the glass to his lips but Percival was there in an instant, snatching the glass away. “No. Jesus, Gwaine. It’s only 2. You’re not having alcohol right now.”

Gwaine pouted. “But Percy-”

Percival grabbed the bottle as well, glaring at Gwaine. “No means no.”

Percival downed the glass himself and returned the bottle to the shelf ignoring Gwaine’s sputtering. Percival turned away but Gwaine launched himself up, pinning Percival against the wall. “Why do you get to have the wine?”

“Because I can control myself, Gwaine. And it's perfectly good wine, I’m not wasting it.”

Gwaine leaned even closer, fanning his hot breath over Percival's face. “Yeah? Mind if I have a taste?”

Lancelot pushed himself away from the bar, mock-gagging. “Ugh. I can’t deal with this right now. Where’s Arthur?”

Arthur dropped beside him, dropping his head into his hands. Lancelot patted Arthur’s back. “There you are. I wish Gwen was here.”

Arthur snapped his head up. “Do you?”

Lancelot gave Arthur a smirk. “Yeah. Because we could be doing that right now.”

Lancelot jerked his head towards Gwaine and Percival who were still crowded against the wall, whispering softly through their kisses. They had moved and were tucked behind the shelf, a shadow covering them up as well as it could. Lancelot still knew exactly what they were doing though. 

Arthur pressed his lips together, his eyes shining with unshed tears. Lancelot twisted so he was facing Arthur. “And if you wait a couple of days or weeks, maybe that can be you and Merlin.”

Arthur gave a bitter chuckle, looking away. “I don’t know how Merlin did it. It’s barely been a month and I can’t do this anymore.” Arthur ran a hand over his face. “God, Lancelot. I’m scared. I shouldn’t be but I am. And I know that I’m supposed to be strong and-”

“Cut the crap, Arthur. No one is asking you to be strong.”

“How do you guys do it? Just dance and laugh around like everything is okay? Do you not feel… guilty or something?” Arthur asked, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip, a habit he undoubtedly got from Gwen. Lancelot thought would be jealous at how close Gwen and Arthur were and are but he was only met with a sense of peacefulness.

“We’re all scared, Arthur. So many things can go wrong and Merlin is out there right now trying to wake up Morgana and god knows what happens after that. We just have to trust that everything will fall in place. There’s no point in tearing yourself down and breaking yourself apart for something you can’t control.”

Arthur groaned. “I just… I can’t let myself be happy knowing that Merlin doesn’t remember anything. That he’s been alone for so long, waiting for so long that he actually forgot us. And I’m over here acting like I have it worse when I can’t even wait a month for Merlin to come back.”

Lancelot stared down at the wooden counter. There was a loud snort before Gwaine and Percival came tumbling out from behind the shelf. Gwaine’s hair was sticking up and his lips were swollen and red. Percival didn’t look much better. “What is wrong with you guys? Do you have no control over yourselves? You’re working.”

Gwaine waved him away. “No one is here, Lancelot. I don’t see why it matters.”

Percival rolled his eyes. “I’m going to get some water. Sam asked us to clear out the old bottles from the shelf over there. Go get started.”

Percival slipped away and Gwaine leaned on his elbows against the bar, watching Arthur. “What’s up with you, Princess?”

Arthur only hummed, drumming his fingers against the wood. “When did you know that you loved Percival?”

Gwaine snickered. “Are you asking me for love advice?”

“No,” Arthur said, irritated. “I’m asking you when you knew.”

Gwaine pulled the high chair over and settled in, apparently forgetting Percival’s orders to start cleaning out the shelves. “Well, I knew for sure when I asked him to go after Morgana with me. After the battle at Camlann. He looked into my eyes and didn’t hesitate for a second. But looking back, I probably fell in love with him when he came up to me and asked if he wanted to help him steal food from the kitchens. I was so shocked because up until then, I thought of Percival as good-two shoes. But he initiated that, coming up to me. And I was gone.”

Percival came up from behind Gwaine, resting himself on his shoulders and head. “That’s a sweet story, Gwaine. Why the hell aren’t you doing your job.”

Gwaine gave Arthur a look. “I lied. He apparently is a good-two shoes.”

Percival yanked Gwaine up. “Well someone needs to wear the pants in this relationship.” Percival leaned forward, pressing a solid kiss to his mouth.

He whispered softly. “I only came up to you because I liked you. You know that right?”

Gwaine’s grin suddenly went softer than anyone had ever seen. “Really?”

Percival rolled his eyes, his lips curling into an amused grin. “Yeah. I don’t know why, though. Come on.”

The two quickly disappeared and Lancelot knew for a fact they wouldn’t get any bottles cleared out. Arthur’s nose scrunched up. “I’m not sure if it’s more revolting or sweet how they act together.”

Lancelot shook his head softly. “I think it’s sweet.”

“Yeah. If anyone were to take the spot of the most revolting relationship it’s probably you and Gwen.” Arthur snapped, but his voice was filled with fatigue.

“Maybe. But you and Merlin are probably going to steal that spot from us. You two weren’t even together back in Camelot but the sexual tension was unbearable.”

Arthur choked on his spit. “We did not have sexual tension.”

Lancelot snorted. “Oh please. Percival was telling me the other day about a game you guys played in the tavern before Camlamn? And the way he described it?”

Lancelot whistled slowly. “You definitely had sexual tension.”

Arthur remembered that day. It was one of the last days the two were together before Arthur had found out. One of the last days where everything was still okay. Looking back on it, Arthur knew Merlin probably cheated or something. That was the only way he could’ve won.

_I tried to take your head off with a mace._

_~ And I stopped you, using magic._

_You cheated!_

_~ You were going to kill me._

_I should've._

Arthur swallowed down nausea climbing up his throat. Lancelot studied Arthur for a moment before speaking. “I'm going to say something. Don’t take it the wrong way.”

Arthur scoffed under his breath. “Go for it.”

“I think you’re being selfish. You’ve been through a lot. I know. But sitting here wallowing about what a terrible person you are and how much you miss Merlin isn’t going to solve anything. Once Merlin is back, and he will be back, you have as long as you need to be with Merlin and apologize and make things right. But for now, you have to stop thinking so much. We’re all winging it. Just take a breath. You're not the only person who’s been through shit. We all have. Especially Merlin. Stop acting like you’re the victim here and do something. Merlin needs you.” Lancelot's voice was a steady, low tone. 

Arthur flinched softly at the words. Lancelot was right and he knew that. But hearing it out loud hurt more than Arthur would like to admit. Arthur clenched the table in his hands. _Just take a breath._ Arthur inhaled trying to calm himself but his breaths were coming too fast and the world was spinning around and around and Arthur couldn’t seem to get air into his lungs. _I think you’re being selfish._

Arthur staggered back from the bar and Lancelot was there in an instant. “Arthur. Hey. Listen to me. Arthur.”

Arthur focused on Lancelot's voice and squeezed his eyes shut because why him? No. _No._ He had to stop thinking about just himself. He wasn't alone. He wasn’t alone. Arthur took in another slow breath, relieved when it came easier. He opened his eyes. Arthur was suddenly pulled forward into a hug. Lancelot's arms came around him, gripping him almost painfully. Arthur buried his face in Lancelot’s neck and breathed. In and out and in and out. _You aren’t alone._

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a pretty long chapter but I hoped you enjoyed this! I hope the ending was too rushed, though. There will be some elyan + leon bromance (aka the only two brain cells in the group) and of course, we finally got some gwen + morgana which is going to be angsty as shit. And everyone else is kind of not thriving but let's give it a go, yeah? Comment and Kudos if you liked this. Thank you so much and stay safe.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin turned and cupped his hands to his mouth. His eyes flooded a molten gold that chilled Morgana to the core. A bright blue butterfly emerged, flapping its flimsy wings as it twirled in the air. Merlin looked up, his golden eyes locking with hers. Golden eyes beside a golden crown in a now golden kingdom. 
> 
> Merlin’s lips curled into a cruel smile. “It’s a shame, Morgana. All of this could have been yours. You could have been free.”
> 
> Merlin walked towards her slowly. He reached up and took the silver circlet off his head and placed it on hers. The weight was heavy for such a small crown. Merlin leaned closer. “Don’t ever forget who I am, Morgana. For I am your destiny.”
> 
> His blue-gold eyes never left hers. “And I am your doom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

Morgana shuddered, the name washing over her. The only clear word she heard through all the distorted sounds that filled her mind. _Merlin._ She twisted and felt a soft hand on her forehead. And pure power rushed through her. Merlin’s power. Igniting every bone, every nerve on her skin and in her body. Everything went hot as if she was laying on open flames that licked at her sides and her legs and her face and everything until the heat engulfed her body whole. Her eyes shot open.

The first thing Morgana saw was blue eyes. The same blue of the sky right before the sun starts to set. The same blue of the glittering waters of Avalon lapping against the shore. The same blue that bored into her soul through all the feasts and banquets and lies she knew he knew. Full of knowledge and power. The same blue she saw in the eyes of the old man who always seemed to be one step ahead of her. The colors merged and it became the same blue that looked at her, almost pityingly as he sliced through her skin like it was nothing but paper. _This is no mortal blade._

Morgana screamed. She jerked up because she had to get away away _away_ from the blue and red and gold of Emrys and Camelot and—

He was gone. Suddenly there were warm brown eyes and brown hands holding her down and sweet nothings whispering in her ears and _it’s ok, Morgana. Calm down. It’s just me._

But she couldn’t calm down because all she could see was the bronze crown atop black curls on her throne. On Morgana’s throne. She pulled away, thrashing against the skin on skin and the bright colors that took her breath away.

Morgana wrapped her fingers around the soft skin and dug her nails into it, satisfied when she heard a startled yelp. She pulled her fingers away. Her nails were stained red.

Morgana turned and launched herself to her feet and thrust her hands out, calling upon all the energy that she knew ran through her veins. Nothing happened. Morgana spoke, the spells coming naturally to her lips but the air remained still and nothing happened. A hand landed on her shoulder and she screamed. She turned and yanked at it and stumbled back. Her vision was a mess of colors and the blood that roared in her ears was too loud and she couldn’t hear and feel anything beyond the—

_\--0-o-0--_

The moment Morgana screamed, Elyan pulled Merlin out. He resisted at first, startled by the reaction, and tried to calm her but then she jerked away and Elyan easily dragged Merlin out, shutting the door behind him. He prayed that none of the other people at the shelter could hear the scream. 

Merlin gasped out, whirling back to face the shelter, but Elyan didn’t stop until they were back on the street outside.

“Oh my god. What happened? Did I scare her or-?” Merlin’s words tumbled out, his face horrified.

Elyan quickly reassured him. “No. No. You didn’t do anything. I’m sorry. I should have warned you before. Morgana’s a little off the edge. She’s not really comfortable around new people. I thought she was getting better but I guess not. I’m so sorry. I should’ve told you.”

Merlin glanced back at the shelter, his gaze worried. “That would have been nice. Maybe next time you could introduce me when she’s awake?”

Elyan swallowed the embarrassment rising in his chest. “Yeah. That would’ve been smart. We should let her calm down a bit and return later. Do you want to take a walk?”

Merlin pursed his lips carefully and nodded, his shoulders still tense. “Yeah, sure. That would be better.”

Elyan led him down the street. They were silent for a moment before Merlin spoke up. “I know it’s not my place to ask but I was wondering, where did you grow up? On the streets? Or did you recently become homeless? You don’t have to answer, obviously, I was just wondering but no pressure if you–”

“You’re rambling, Merlin.” Elyan chuckled as Merlin snapped his mouth shut, cheeks flushing red. “It’s kind of complicated. We just recently became homeless. My friends and I lived in this town. It is a while away. You probably have never heard of it. It was amazing. Gwen, Leon, Morgana, and I were there plus a few other friends that you didn’t get to meet today. Gwen is my sister and we both grew up with Leon. Morgana and her brother were also around but we only got close to them in our late twenties. There were also three other guys that only moved into the town when we were all older.”

Merlin gave a bitter-sweet smile. “That must have been nice. To grow up surrounded by so many friends.”

 _You were there too_ , Elyan thought, hating that he couldn’t say it out loud. “It was nice. There was a ninth member of our group, actually. He came when he was in his early twenties. His mother lived in another kingdom, I mean, country. Not a kingdom. He easily fit into the group. I think he really was the reason half of these people stayed and didn’t leave the town. We were all so close. I mean there were rivalries and we did fight but we all loved each other one way or another.”

But it fell apart. We were all alone. Just the nine of us. And there was an accident and we ended up losing our homes. It’s hard to explain but long story short, we had to go somewhere else. To another place. Another world. This town we used to live in was very isolated. Clearly, since I don’t know anything. But we were forced to come here. And it’s been terrifying but the eight of us still have each other.”

Merlin furrowed his eyebrows. “Eight? I thought there were nine of you?”

Elyan cursed under his breath. “Uh, yeah. There was. This ninth person though, he… he didn’t make it. He’s not dead or anything it’s just hard to explain.”

Elyan could tell that Merlin wanted to pry further and Elyan was honestly panicking because his story probably made no sense. Merlin’s voice was quiet. “Do you miss him? This ninth person?”

Elyan blinked, startled at the question. “‘Do I miss him?’” Elyan glanced over at Merlin. He was chewing on the inside of his cheek, his eyes locked on the sidewalk ahead of him. “Yeah. I do. So much. We’re all hoping that maybe one day he’ll come back to us. Without him the group is not really complete, you know?”

“I wish I did. I mean clearly, you’re leaving a lot of the story out and that’s fine. But I've never really had any friends like that. Friends to grow up with.” Merlin hesitated as if he was considering his next words. “I move around a lot. Never really stayed in one place for over a couple of years. I’ve been here for five years and I’m actually thinking about moving soon.” 

“Have you ever thought that you don’t make any real friends to be with because you keep moving around?” Elyan said, his heart pounding at the thought of Merlin leaving before he could remember them.

“I know. It’s just… it’s complicated. My life isn’t really normal and I can’t afford to drag other people in it.”

“Maybe you should just give them a chance.” Elyan’s mind was racing. Did Merlin know that he had magic? That he was immortal? Is that why he feels like he can’t let anyone in?

“You don’t understand, Elyan. It’s not simple. Maybe one day I can tell you. We can tell each other the secrets we’re obviously both keeping.” Merlin finally looked at Elyan, his blue eyes shining with something he couldn’t quite place.

“Yeah. Maybe one day we can.”

_\--0-o-0--_

Leon carefully wrapped the bandage around Gwen’s arm. Morgana’s nails had dug in hard enough to break the skin and cause blood to bubble to the surface. Gwen glanced over at Morgana, her heart involuntary clenching at the sight. Leon had knocked Morgana out after she had hurt Gwen and was thrashing about. They had then tied her to the bed. It was clear that Morgana’s magic was gone but she was not going to stay still unless she was held down.

Leon quickly tied off the bandage and then moved to pack up the first-aid kit. Gwen sighed, collapsing onto the chair beside the bed. “What do we do?”

Leon studied Morgana before looking at Gwen again. “I don’t know. We’re lucky Morgana doesn’t have her magic or we would be screwed. We have to make sure that when she wakes up again, only one person is there. If she gets overwhelmed again then I don’t know.”

Leon trailed off. Gwen reached out to press her fingers to the growing bump on Morgana’s head. “I’ll be here.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. If she manages to escape the bonds then—”

“She won’t. But if she does, I’ll have Percy by the door or something to help. Just let me try to talk to her.” Gwen looked at Leon, pleading.

“Let’s wait until the other’s get back. Hopefully, Morgana doesn’t wake up anytime soon.” Leon got up and left without another word, leaving Gwen alone.

Gwen sighed, dropping her head in her hands. After a while, she spoke. “I still care about you, you know. I probably shouldn't. Not after everything you did to me. To Arthur. To Camelot. You were just an amazing woman. You were the only person I knew that fought back against Uther and I never for a second would’ve thought that you would eventually become worse.” Gwen gave a bitter chuckle. “Like father, like daughter. You have wildly different beliefs but other than that you both were no different.”

Gwen swallowed roughly, trying her hardest not to break down in tears. “There was a time that I would’ve done anything for you. I would've followed you to the ends of the earth. It’s a shame that growing up like how you did twisted you into this bitter person full of such hatred. I can’t even recognize you anymore.”

Gwen’s voice cracked at the last word. She took in a deep breath but it did nothing to fight off the war waging her heart. “I want to trust you. I want it so bad. But I can’t– I won’t make the same mistake. The only reason we’re doing this is to get Merlin back. That’s all that matters. That’s all that will ever matter.”

And Gwen wished with all her heart that she could believe her own words. But she knew that no matter what she told herself, she would never truly hate Morgana.

_\--0-o-0--_

Arthur was on his seventh glass of vodka when Elyan came skidding into the pub. It was nearing 5:00 and the sun was just starting to creep towards the horizon. Lancelot had long given up trying to keep Arthur sober and Gwaine and Percival were quickly put to work as more people started to flood the bar.

“Morgana’s awake. I got Merlin to leave, saying that maybe it was best if he dropped by later. Gwen and Leon are back there alone.”

Arthur barely registered the words as he raised his glass up in a mock toast. “To Gwen and Leon. The best of us all.”

Elyan grabbed the glass from his hand and sniffed it. “Jesus, Arthur. What are you doing? Are you drunk?”

Arthur flashed Elyan a dopey smile. “What? Don’t be ridiculous, Elyan. I’m perfectly sober. Top-notch you might say. Drunk is the furthest thing that I could be.”

Elyan groaned, glancing around. “Where the hell are the others. Lancelot?”

Elyan called, slipping over to the other side of the pub. Arthur reached over and grabbed another glass from behind the counter to refill his vodka. He spilled nearly half the bottle trying to pour it. He was just about to drink it when Elyan appeared over him and stole the alcohol again. “No. No more vodka. How many glasses have you had?”

Arthur snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous. I have perfect vision. I don’t need glasses. Merlin probably doesn’t either but he would look great in glasses, don’t you think?”

“What? Merlin? Oh my god.” Elyan yanked Arthur up. “Come on. We’re going home. The others will come back later.”

Arthur yanked himself back. “No. I have to stay here. Merlin is going to meet me here, remember?”

“No, he’s not, Arthur. Merlin’s not here. Now, let's go home.” Elyan dragged Arthur through the crowd. 

Arthur tripped over his feet, complaining. “No. Merlin’s going to think I didn’t wait for him. I can’t leave.”

Elyan ignored him and pushed him outside into the chilly air. Arthur glanced down the road and his eyes caught on a man leaned against the street light on the other side of the road. He was on his phone but before Arthur could call out, Elyan had pushed him along. Arthur caught a quick last look over his shoulder. And in that flash a second, the man looked up. And even through the setting sun and bustling people, all Arthur could see was blue.

-~-~-

Percival rearranged the bottles in front of him for the third time, bored out of his mind. Gwaine was on the other side of the pub since they had quickly realized that they couldn’t get any work done together. Percival hated that he had to be the responsible one.

“Can I get an Old Fashioned?”

Percival’s head shot up at the familiar voice. Merlin was leaning against the counter. His hair was tousled and dressed in a dark leather jacket. Percival had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from saying Merlin’s name.

“I haven’t seen you here before. Are you a newcomer?” Percival fought to keep his voice steady and his face impassive.

Merlin chuckled. “Yeah. I usually go to the pub that’s down by Laudon Square.”

Percival turned to make his drink. “Oh? Why the change?”

Merlin just hummed, eyeing around the pub. “I’m not sure actually. I just came here. Like something was waiting for me here. It just felt right. For whatever reason.”

Percival slid the drink to Merlin, pocketing the money that Merlin gave in return. “Well. I hope whatever that feeling is, it doesn’t leave.”

Merlin stared up at Percival with an unreadable expression. “Yeah. Me too.”

_\--0-o-0--_

Her vision was dark. She stepped forward slowly, watching as her surroundings faded into a very familiar throne room. Arthur was standing in front of his throne, his head held high. The golden crown that sat upon his golden head shone in the golden light. He was dressed in his usual red cape and his cheeks were flushed. The flashing colors of Camelot sent blood curdling in her veins.

Morgana watched, helpless, as the doors swung open, revealing Guinevere, in all her queenly glory. With her purple dress and soft smile and curling hair, she was striding forward to take a seat on _Morgana’s_ throne. She didn’t make it all the way through. She instead stopped directly in front of Morgana and watched her. Her usually warm and sparkling brown eyes were filled with sadness. 

_There was a time that I would’ve done anything for you. I would've followed you to the ends of the earth. It’s a shame that growing up like how you did twisted you into this bitter person full of such hatred. I can’t even recognize you anymore._

The words seemed to echo from everywhere rather than from Gwen’s mouth. But Morgana would recognize her voice anywhere. Her soft, soft voice cracking with a type of grief Morgana knew very well. _I won’t make the same mistake._

Gwen stepped forward and passed right through Morgana as if she wasn’t even there. Morgana turned around in time to see Arthur place another golden crown atop her head. Gwen sat down gracefully, her chin raised up high.

_The only reason we’re doing this is to get Merlin back._

The crowd around her burst into applause and Gwen’s gaze bored into Morgana. Stripping her to her bones. _That’s all that matters._

Morgana suddenly felt all the anger drain from her. She felt more vulnerable than ever. The room seemed to spin and everything was closing in on her until all she could see was the dark look in the Queen’s eyes. 

_That’s all that will ever matter._

Morgana startled as her vision shifted into something different. The same throne room, the same colors. Different occasion. Arthur was again at the front but when Morgana turned to see who was entering, it wasn’t Gwen. It was Merlin.

Merlin with his blue eyes. He was draped in a thick blue cloak. His jaw was tensed and his back was straight. Morgana trembled as she realized what this was. 

Merlin strode right past her, not bothering to stop or even look at her. He approached Arthur and dropped to one knee. Morgana couldn’t hear what Arthur said over her heart pounding in her ears but he placed a silver circlet on his head and it became painfully obvious.

Merlin turned and cupped his hands to his mouth. His eyes flooded a molten gold that chilled Morgana to the core. A bright blue butterfly emerged, flapping its flimsy wings as it twirled in the air. Merlin looked up, his golden eyes locking with hers. Golden eyes beside a golden crown in a now golden kingdom. 

Merlin’s lips curled into a cruel smile. “It’s a shame, Morgana. All of this could have been yours. You could have been free.”

Merlin walked towards her slowly. He reached up and took the silver circlet off his head and placed it on hers. The weight was heavy for such a small crown. Merlin leaned closer. “Don’t ever forget who I am, Morgana. For I am your destiny.”

His blue-gold eyes never left hers. “And I am your doom.”

Morgana jerked up, startled into yell when she realized her hands were pinned to the bed. All she could see was golden eyes and blue butterflies and they were _free_ —

A scream tore from her throat and it seemed like all the air was sucked from her lungs and she couldn’t possibly manage to breathe. Her vision was suddenly obscured by dark curls that carefully pushed her down.

“Hey. Hey. Shhh. It’s just me, Morgana. It’s Gwen.” _My lady! My lady, what's the matter? It's all right, it's alright. I'm here. I'm here. There's nothing to be frightened of._

Morgana was suddenly crying at the sudden flashback. She could remember the times when she would wake up terrified and Gwen would always be right there to calm her. Before Morgana knew of her magic. Before Merlin knew of her magic. Before Gwen was after her throne. Before their lives turned upside down and inside out. Back when everything was okay. And Morgana ached.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you're like 'oh, I have more work these days so I'm only going to update once a week' and then you write down nearly 7k more words instead of doing work. ;-;
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I LOVE Morgana and I'm so excited to write more of her. Arthur and Merlin just missed each other but just wait a bit and everything will work out. If you feel like the story is getting dragged a bit or rushing then _please_ let me know. I know I don't want it to do too fast but at times it feels like it's dragging. Leave a comment below for any constructive criticism or tips (there might be some mistakes in grammar and if there is please let me know). Or even just things you enjoyed so I know how to shape the rest of the story.
> 
> We got some amnesic!merlin + Morgana coming up and of course some Morgana POV while she figures out what to do and what she wants (spolier alert: its angst).


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anger wasn’t a new emotion that Morgana felt. Before her magic, her usual outlet was ranting to Gwen. It was locking herself up and crying herself to sleep because what else could she do? But once she realized that she had a power that ran through her blood, her outlet changed. Morgana usually relied on spells for most of her magic. After nearly setting her bed on fire, she didn’t dare try to use her emotions to control it. But after the first attempt to take over Camelot had gone wrong. After Merlin had looked her in the eye and said, _It’s over, Morgana._ She lost it.
> 
> All her carefully concealed emotions shattered with just one look. _No, you’re wrong. This has just begun._ And she had screamed, nearly bringing down the castle with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

Gwen watched as Morgana stared at the sheets like it was the cause of all her problems. “Fifteen-hundred years? It’s been that long? That-that’s impossible.”

Gwen curled her fingers into her thighs and tried to calm the beating of her heart. After Morgana had woken up, it had taken nearly fifteen minutes for her to calm down enough that she let Gwen speak. She could see that Morgana was deeply regretting that decision.

“I just died yesterday, Gwen. Arthur was dying and Merlin- he killed me. It wasn’t a mortal blade. There's no way I should be alive.”

“None of us should. I think the gods decided that we should have a second chance for whatever reason. Merlin always thought that Arthur would rise when Albion’s need was greatest. I’m guessing that’s now. I don’t why all of us are here though. I don’t know what Albion is and what it’s greatest need is. That’s why we need Merlin.” Gwen kept her voice carefully soft, not knowing if Morgana was going to lash out or not.

“Merlin was just here. I felt his magic.”

“Morgana, Merlin doesn’t remember us. We realized that he was the only one who could wake you but he doesn’t know anything. We thought that maybe since Merlin brought you back, willingly or unwillingly, you could help bring Merlin back.”

Morgana suddenly laughed, her voice bitter. “I’m not bringing him back. If anything it’s a blessing for him to have forgotten. But if you think I’m helping any of you, you’ve got another thing coming. Don’t mistake yourself, Gwen. If I still had my magic you would already be dead.”

“But you don’t. But if Merlin comes back—”

Morgana leaned forward as much as she could. “I’d rather never use my magic again than see Merlin.”

Gwen dug her teeth into her bottom lip. “Oh? You hate him that much?”

Morgana’s lips curled into something dark. “You have no idea how much I hate him. How much I hate all of you.”

It took all of Gwen’s composure to make sure her voice didn’t shake. “You said it was a blessing for him to have forgotten. You claim you want Merlin to suffer but he’s perfectly fine the way he is right now. Relieved of his destiny and of his burden. You would rather him live in peace than to confront him again?”

“I don’t care. He may not remember but he’ll never be in peace. I am not helping you.” Morgana said, her voice shaking near the end.

Gwen stared at Morgana, her eyes darting across her face to try and figure out what was running through her mind.

“You’re scared.” Gwen realized. “You’re scared of Merlin.”

Morgana’s eyes flashed. “I am not.”

Gwen shoved down any guilt that was rising in her chest and pushed on. “You so are. I bet that’s what your nightmare was about, wasn’t it? About Merlin? How even after everything, he still won. He still managed to defeat you in the end. And you can put on a brave face but at the end of the day, Merlin is a thousand times more powerful than you and you know it. You’re terrified of it. Of him.”

Morgana snarled, tugging at her bonds. “He won nothing. He failed and he knows it. Arthur died. The one person he dedicated his entire life to. And he failed in keeping him alive. Just because he killed me doesn’t mean he won. He might have brought about the golden age and he might have led you to release the ban on magic but at the end of the day, he lost what he loved the most.”

“You both failed. You both made mistakes. I’m not saying that Merlin was a hero and he did everything right. For all I care, you can sit here cowering in fear but even though he didn’t win, he still succeeded in one thing. And that was killing you. But you can't do or change anything now.” Gwen leaned forward, locking eyes with her. “What’s done is done, Morgana. It’s been fifteen-hundred years and you can choose to either sit here and sulk about it or you can get up, go find Merlin, and make things right.”

Morgana stared at Gwen. Her eyes flickered slightly to the left and then back to Gwen. Gwen watched as she swallowed roughly, taking in her words. Gwen knew that she could have been much less harsh but she was done with trying to be nice. While she didn’t hate her—Gwen knew she could never truly hate her— she certainly wasn’t fond of her. She’d given her more than enough chances to redeem herself but as the minutes went by, she started to wonder if Morgana truly was beyond redemption.

Morgana opened her mouth, but hesitated and snapped it shut, collapsing back against the bed. Her eyes fluttered shut and Gwen watched as she twisted to the side, away from her. Gwen considered speaking up again but decided to let Morgana be. She knew it was a lot to take in and all things considered, Morgana was taking it better than Gwen had imagined. 

Gwen carefully stood up and slipped out of the room. The moment she shut the door, Lancelot was on her in an instant. “Are you okay? She didn’t hurt you right?”

Gwen rolled her eyes, pushed Lancelot away. “I’m fine. She’s taking some rest.”

Arthur stood up and pressed his ear to the door. “How was she?”

Gwen could hear the underlying concern in his voice and he took in Gwen’s face for some clues. “She’s… alright. I think she just needs some time to take it all in but she’s calmed down a bit.”

“Is she going to help us?”

Gwen blew out a breath. “I don’t know. Hopefully.”

The tension was nearly palpable in the room. Gwen swallowed, glancing back at the door. _Don’t let me down, Morgana,_ Gwen thought _, not again._

_\--0-o-0--_

Morgana listened to the hushed whispers from behind the door and wondered who was there. She knew that Arthur and Gwen were there but she wondered if all of the Knights of the Round Table were there as well. She wondered if Mordred was there. _Mordred_. She knew that she failed him. She turned the innocent boy into a cruel killer. Into herself. And as much as she hated to admit it, Mordred would have been much better off as Arthur’s knight.

She pulled at the bonds and managed to free one hand. She dug the heel of it into her eyes until colors burst behind her eyelids. Pushing herself up, she freed her other hand and wriggled herself until she could sit upright, comfortably. Her legs were still tightly bound and Morgana didn’t bother trying to free herself from it.

She raised a trembling hand and whispered a spell. “ _Forbearnan_.”

Nothing happened. She repeated the spell but her hand remained empty and shaking. Her throat closed up with clogged tears and Morgana took in a struggling breath, saying the spell again. She remembered how terrified she was when she first discovered her magic. How she had run into Merlin and confessed her darkest secret. How Merlin had been nothing but supportive.

_Thank you, Merlin. I know now who I really am. And it isn't something to be scared of. Maybe one-day people will come to see magic as a force for good._

Morgana clenched her fists, anger rushing over her like a wave. Because Merlin had sent her to the druids. Merlin, who was the most powerful sorcerer alive, didn’t find it in himself to tell Morgana. To help her. He sent her away instead. Morgana might have betrayed Camelot, but in her eyes, Merlin betrayed her first. Merlin was the one who tried to poison her. To kill her. Merlin turned her into the ruthless bitter-filled person she became.

_You can choose to either sit here and sulk about it or you can get up, go find Merlin, and make things right._

Morgana shivered as she remembered the conversation that took place the night before. Even through their times in Camelot, Gwen had never looked at Morgana like that. With such anger. With such frustration. Morgana took in a breath and called out, cursing herself when her voice shook as bad as her hands. “Gwen?”

There was a fumbled crash before the door jerked open and Gwen slipped inside. Morgana was almost startled by the fire in her eyes. It took her a moment to realize that Gwen was no longer her maid-servant. Morgana was no longer the king’s ward. And things were different. _It’s been fifteen-hundred years._

“Morgana.” Gwen’s voice had a hard edge to it and Morgana wondered what they were doing on the other side of the door to get Gwen so worked up.

Morgana cleared her throat. “Mordred. Is he here?”

Something flickered across her eyes before her face went blank. “No. He’s not.”

Morgana tugged at her bonds, shoving down the disappointment. The confusion. Why was she here if Mordred wasn’t? 

“Can you take these off? I won’t fight, I promise. It’ll be easier.”

When Gwen hesitated, Morgana spoke again. “I don’t even have my magic, Gwen. I’m useless without it. I couldn’t hurt you if I tried. Not with all of the knights behind your back.”

Gwen studied her for a moment as if looking for something. It took all of Morgana’s willpower not to avert her gaze. Whatever she was looking for, she evidently found it as she turned and cracked the door open. “Elyan. Come here.”

There were muffled protests from behind the door but seconds later, Elyan slipped inside with a large knife in his hands. Gwen started at the sight. “Where the hell did you get that from?”

Elyan just shrugged and made his way over to Morgana. He crouched down over her legs and glanced up at her. Morgana met his gaze head-on. She could see the anger in his expression and Morgana suddenly realized that the knights were probably much more wary and furious of Morgana than Gwen was. 

“You make one wrong move, Leon will knock you out again.” Elyan threatened, the knife dangerously close to her skin.

Morgana scoffed under her breath. “I’ll be on my best behavior.”

Elayn grabbed the first rope and got to work.

_\--0-o-0--_

_There is someone you have been searching for, someone that has always eluded you. Emrys._

The wind blew by harshly, pushing her hair into her face. The clouds drew together above her head and thunder rumbled in the distance.

_I know where he is._

Morgana’s knees buckled beneath her, and they cracked against the stone-cold ground. Her fingers dug into the dirt. The wind roared in her ears and for all the air whipping around, Morgana couldn’t get any of it in her lungs. Her vision flashed before her and the blue, blue eyes never left. _You can trust me, Morgana._

_Where? Camelot._

Morgana screamed, lashing out with her magic, completely decimating the forest that ringed around her. Morgana was already pretty powerful. She usually relied on spells but she knew that her magic came from something much deeper. A part of her she was honestly scared to tap into. Her emotions.

Anger rushed through her veins and she couldn’t think of anything beyond Mordred’s words pounding through her head.

_And I have his true name._

Morgana curled herself up, wondering whether the thunder was in the sky or inside her. _Do you understand?_ Merlin had stared back, his eyes open but painfully unreadable. _More than anyone._ How could she had been so stupid? Morgana growled and the earth shook beneath her. Her screams lost in the storm. It took Morgana nearly an hour to calm down. But the betrayal swelling through her veins gushed harder than before. The anger. And Morgana was left crying in the middle of a charred ring of dust, alone. Just like she had started. 

_It is Merlin._

  
  
  


Morgana grabbed the first thing she saw, a book, and hurled it across the room. It clattered to the ground with an unsatisfying thud and something in her heart twisted when no one, not even Gwen, peeked inside to see if she was okay. 

Anger wasn’t a new emotion that Morgana felt. Before her magic, her usual outlet was ranting to Gwen. It was locking herself up and crying herself to sleep because what else could she do? But once she realized that she had a power that ran through her blood, her outlet changed. Morgana usually relied on spells for most of her magic. After nearly setting her bed on fire, she didn’t dare try to use her emotions to control it. But after the first attempt to take over Camelot had gone wrong. After Merlin had looked her in the eye and said, _It’s over, Morgana._ She lost it.

All her carefully concealed emotions shattered with just one look. _No, you’re wrong. This has just begun._ And she had screamed, nearly bringing down the castle with her. She turned and thrashed and destroyed everything in her reach like a child who didn’t get what they wanted. And her anger fueled it all.

But now, that energy was gone. Stripped from her until she was a useless ragdoll who couldn’t hold her own. And she was angry. Seething at the edge. And with no outlet, she felt close to exploding. Fury poured off her waves because how was this fair? She had done everything she could possibly do and she knew that she failed. But the fates found it fit to rub it in her face. To make her watch all of her old friends laugh and joke knowing she would never be welcome. Not that she wanted to be.

And Merlin. Merlin, who was probably going about his new life without a care in the world, oblivious to the fallen kingdoms and broken friendships that lingered just out of his reach. And as angry as Morgana was, she was so tired. What she would give to wipe her mind of her old, twisted life. To start over. 

But that’s what this was, wasn’t it? A second chance. A way to make things right. A way for her to finally tell Merlin exactly what she thought of him and make him suffer for completely ruining her life. To shove back the burdens that he was now relieved off just to watch him stagger under the weight of it. A way for her finally let go and relieve herself of everything that had been bubbling up in her since Merlin first turned her away, all those years ago. An outlet. And to do that, she had to get Merlin to remember. Merlin to realize what exactly he’d done. 

Morgana walked forward and snatched up the fallen book, clenching it in her fingers. And she would make him pay.

-~-~-~-

Arthur, Gwaine, and Percival were avoiding her. That much was very clear. They had left the moment Elyan started to unbind her and didn’t seem very keen on interacting with her at all. And honestly, Morgana was glad. She didn’t think she had the emotional capacity to talk with her brother, a knight she killed and said knight's apparent boyfriend. She was only left to deal with Elyan and Leon. Leon didn’t talk to her either. She had a nudging suspicion that if he did, he would never stop yelling at her. Leon and Morgana were never really close. Both were close to Gwen and Arthur but their interactions were always limited. That didn’t change the fact that they had essentially grown up together, though.

The only knight that actually spoke to her was Elyan. She had few interactions with the man but she knew that they both remembered the time when she had tortured Elyan for the whereabouts of the king. The Nathair was one of her favorite torture techniques but looking back on it she just felt sick. 

_I’ll tell you nothing_ , Elyan had snarled, glaring up at Morgana.

Morgana had simply smiled. _I was hoping you’d say that._

Morgana swallowed down the bile rising in her throat and watched as Leon and Elyan quietly discussed something across the room. Gwen was nowhere to be seen and Morgana resisted the urge to run away. To get away from this strange new place. 

“Morgana.” Elyan stepped forward, watching her carefully. “I was planning on dropping by to see Merlin today. We’re close friends. He doesn’t remember anything but I managed to get his trust. He was kind of spooked from when he last saw you. I told him that you just have a hard time around new people and that’s why you freaked out when you woke up. Would you like to join me? Just to tell Merlin in person. He was worried about you.”

Morgana tilted her head, raising an eyebrow. “Merlin was worried about _me?_ ”

“He doesn’t remember anything. So you have to keep your cool if you come.” Elyan's voice was a warning. Every part of Morgana’s body rejected the idea of seeing Merlin again. She was already on edge around these two men but around Merlin, Morgana didn’t know what she would do.

“I’d love to see him.”

Elyan scratched his jaw. “Are you sure? You cannot just break down and try to kill him or something okay? That generally frowned upon and I can’t lose Merlin’s trust now.”

Morgana smirked. “Why Sir Elyan. Don’t you have faith in me? I’ll be fine. The idiot doesn’t remember me anyway so if I do try to kill him he’ll just look at me with that stupidly innocent face of his.”

Elyan pursed his lips. “I don’t have any faith in you, Morgana. Also innocent face of his?”

Morgana turned away, flushing slightly. “Nothing. It’s just something he always used to do.”

Elyan stared at her and Morgana tried her hardest to keep her face blank but she could already feel Elyan peering into her soul. “I don’t understand you, Morgana. Honestly, I doubt I ever will.”

Morgana met Elyan’s stare. “So? When are we leaving?”

-~-~-~-

Elyan’s grip on her was painfully tight. It was as if Elyan was taking all of his anger out on her arm rather than yelling it to her face. “Rule number one: don’t ask questions. I’ll take it for you if he says something you don’t understand. This is a new world and I still don’t understand half of it so don’t even try.”

Morgana watched the busy streets and rolling metal boxes. She froze when she saw the shop Elyan was taking her to. _Avalon’s Coffee Shop._ Elyan took one look at her and read her face easily. “Yeah. I think it was his subconscious that named the shop? Like he didn’t really know what he was saying. But for the most part, he remembers nothing so don’t freak him out.”

Elyan dragged her over and pushed the door open, shoving Morgana inside. Natural sunlight lit up the cozy shop and washed over the tables and counters. Elyan led her over to the line and finally let go of her. “We’re best friends by the way. I know that we both are definitely not on good terms but don’t give anything away. We’re friends, okay?”

Morgana rocked back on her heels, resisting the urge to peek around the line to catch a glimpse of Merlin. She took in a breath and tried to clear her mind. She was doing this for herself. Not for the knights. Not for Gwen. And certainly not for Merlin. They moved to the front of the line and Morgana risked a glance up.

“Hey, Elyan. Same order?” Morgana shuddered at the voice.

“Yeah. And Morgana here will have a Pumpkin Spice Latte.” Elyan placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it hard enough for Morgana to meet Merlin’s eyes.

“Alright.” Merlin’s lips curled up into a blinding smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Morgana. I’m sorry if I scared you the other day.” _You’re scared of Merlin._

Morgana was speaking before she could consider her words. “I’m not scared of you.”

Merlin’s expression shifted in an instant. “Oh. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to assume- I mean of course not. I just thought I startled you, that’s all. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

Morgana bit the inside of her cheek before she could reply. Elyan spoke up. “I was wondering if you wanted to go out? I wanted to show Morgana that park we went to the other day.”

Merlin’s eyes flickered from Morgana to Elyan. “Yeah, sure. I get off in fifteen minutes if that’s alright. It’s a bit crowded today.”

Elyan pulled Morgana to the side. “Of course. We’ll be at my usual table.”

They made their way to the booth on the other side of the shop, closest to the counter. Morgana shoved Elyan’s hands off of her. “Don’t touch me.”

“Then control yourself. He was apologizing to you. You had no reason to snap at him like that.”

“I am not scared of him.” Morgana snarled, dimly aware of how childish she sounded.

Elyan obviously knew that as he stared at Morgana, his eyes burning with rage she’d never seen on Elyan. “Look, I’ve tried to be civil with you, alright? Don’t think I’m not pissed off at you for completely ruining my life. For ruining my sister's life. I’m trying to cooperate with you but if you can’t handle it then get out. You’re acting like a child, Morgana.”

Morgana leaned towards Elyan. “Yeah? Well, you’re not the only one pissed off. Your sister ruined my life too so don’t think this is a one-way street.”

“No. You ruined your own life. Stop blaming others for your own selfish mistakes. Gwen never wanted to be queen but she took what cards were dealt to her and made the best of it. You clearly couldn’t do the same.”

Morgana scoffed. “Don’t compare me to Gwen. Our lives were completely different. She got the perfect life okay? I’m the one—”

“Nobody has a perfect life.” Elyan's voice was nothing but a harsh whisper. “Everyone had their troubles. Don’t act like you were the only one with problems. A shitty life doesn’t justify murder.”

Before Morgana could even think of a reply, Merlin called out from the counter. “One Caffe Mocha and one Pumpkin Spice Latte for Elyan!”

Elyan shoved away from the table, leaving Morgana stunned. She’d always thought of Gwen’s brother as the sweet, shy kid that was everyone's friend. And though the two weren’t close, the fury in his eyes was something she had never seen on his face before. It suddenly occurred to her that it was her fault that Elyan had died.

Elyan slid back into the booth and pushed a drink towards Morgana. She opened her mouth but Elyan cut her off. “Enough. We didn’t come here to fight. We could go on like this forever. Drop it.”

Elyan tipped his head back, drinking, not bothering to even make eye contact. Morgana slowly pulled the drink towards her and took a tentative sip. It tasted like cinnamon and caffeine with a hint of nutmeg. She took another long sip before she said, “Never knew you had such a temper, Elyan.”

Morgana curled her lips up, keeping her eyes on her latte. Elyan didn’t reply.

-~-~-~-

Merlin hung up his apron and grabbed his bag from the back room. Rowan came striding in, his eyes flashing with excitement. “Dude, 2’oclock from the cash register. Your friend’s girlfriend?”

Rowan let out a low whistle, wiggling his eyebrows. “You can get me some of that.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “Don’t be disgusting, Rowan. That’s not Elyan’s girlfriend, anyway.”

“She’s single?” Rowan asked, making his way to the vending machine for a soda.

Merlin shrugged. “I don’t know. I’d back off, though. She doesn’t seem comfortable around new people. I mean, Jesus. The way she looked at me? You would think I betrayed her and ruined all her life plans.”

“I don’t know, man. A few sideways looks and couples brushes of my fingers against her side and I’ll have her hooked.” Rowan winked, taking a swig of soda.

Merlin pointed his finger at Rowan. “No. You are not flirting with her. My friends are off-limits.”

“Your friends? I thought you betrayed the poor woman.”

Merlin shot Rowan a dark look. “Oh, shut up. I’m heading out. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Rowan smirked. “Let me know if she spends the night, yeah? Maybe she’s into guys who ruin her life.”

Merlin snorted. “Yeah sure. I’ll call you.”

Rowan clucked his tongue, collapsing on the couch. “Come on. You haven’t shown interest in anyone since crazy blondie from a couple of weeks ago.”

“Ok, first of all, I was _not_ interested in blondie. Second of all, I am not interested in Morgana either. I barely know her. I’m not really looking for a relationship anyway.”

“Really? You know, we’ve been friends for the better part of the last five years and I’ve never seen you with anyone. I think the last time was that guy at the bar last year. And that lasted, like, two hook-ups.” Rowan remarked.

Merlin turned to look at Rowan over his shoulder. “I don’t need any serious relationships in my life, okay? Especially not with crazy blondie—you’re words not mine— and the ‘you look like I'll enjoy killing you’ lady outside. I’ll pass. And if you know what’s good for you, you will too.”

Merlin slipped out and shut the door before Rowan could reply.

Merlin watched Elyan and Morgana. Elyan’s eyes were trained on the road, watching the cars roll by and Morgana was staring at the shops they were walking by with an almost inquisitive look. Merlin could practically feel the tension that rolled off the pair.

Merlin cleared his throat. “So, Elyan. Did you get around to reading that book I gave you?”

The reaction was immediate, his face lighting up. “Oh, yeah. I started it yesterday.”

“How was it? What part are you on?” Merlin asked, guiding down a stray pathway that led to the park.

“Oh, it was… great. I’m, like, a quarter of the way through.” Elyan gave an awkward smile and Merlin curled his lips tentatively. Something was clearly off between Morgana and Elyan. Like had had a fight and were keeping it together for Merlin. Merlin clenched his fists in his pockets and forced himself to look at Morgana.

Something about her set Merlin on edge but he couldn’t quite place why. “Morgana, how's your life going?”

Merlin internally winced at the stupid question but didn’t avert his gaze when Morgana glanced up, her emerald eyes boring into his. It looked like there was something warring in her eyes and she couldn’t figure out how to respond. He could see Elyan go tense, watching Morgana warily like he was scared about how she was going to answer.

“I’ve been better.” Her voice was curt and strained.

Merlin sped up his pace a little as the park came into view. “Come on. This park will definitely cheer you up. There’s this huge fountain in the middle where I always go to sketch. Would you like to see some of them?”

Merlin hesitated, debating on whether or not to actually touch Morgana but Elyan beat him to it. He had seemingly no qualms about gripping Morgana’s arm and dragging her over to the large cement fountain that sprouted up at the center of the green area. Merlin dropped down in his usual spot and pulled out his sketchbook.

Morgana was much warier as she lowered herself to the ground. Elyan was a couple of feet away, trailing his hand over the wet cement. Merlin flipped through the pages, trying to get himself to relax. He figured that if he relaxed then maybe the tension in Morgana’s shoulders would fade.

Merlin stopped on one of his favorite sketches. He’d made it a couple of months ago. A dark fire-breathing dragon was curled over the top of the page, watching over the castle that he had drawn below it. He loved drawing dragons and if the large portrait on his bedroom was anything to go by, he did it often. He really didn’t know where the image of it had come from but Merlin liked the result.

The moment Morgana saw it, she gasped. Jerking the book out of his hand, she stared at the sketch. “Elyan. Elyan.”

She hissed, her eyes wide and terrified. Elyan was over in a second, looking at the sketch. His eyes widened but in an instant, it was replaced by a smile. “This looks great, Merlin.”

Merlin moved to take the book back from Morgana but she was already turning through the pages. She flipped past sketches of the city, more dragons, towering castles, and then stopped on the lake. The same lake Merlin always returned to, whether he realized it or not. He remembered drawing that and finding himself sketching a small wooden boat over the lake and redrawing the tower in the distance so it was no longer crumbling. So that it stood tall like it was the day it was built. It was one of his more private drawings and Merlin suddenly found himself angry.

He snatched the book back and slammed it shut. “That’s personal.”

“That’s the Lake of Avalon.” Morgana’s voice shook and she gaped up at Merlin. “How did you know that? Why did you draw that?”

“What? That’s Lake Laucus. Not Avalon. Is there even a lake named Avalon?”

“That’s what you named your stupid shop after, you idiot.” Morgana snapped.

Merlin jerked back, his mind racing. Elyan pulled Morgana away from Merlin. “Morgana. What the hell is wrong with you?”

Morgana stumbled back. “What’s wrong with me? He–”

Elyan stopped her with a dark glare. For a moment, the two simply stared at each other. Merlin’s heart thud in his ears barely heard over Morgana’s words that kept replaying itself over and over again in his mind. _That’s the Lake of Avalon._

Elyan crouched back down and said. “Hey. I’m so sorry. She has no concept of personal space. She’s very imaginative that’s all. Don’t really listen to her. Half of what she says is bullshit anyway.”

Merlin looked up at Morgana, who was watching him with almost knowing eyes. And it chilled him to the bone.

“Right.” His own voice sounded like it was eons away. Merlin shoved the book back into his bag and slung it over his shoulder, standing up. Merlin vaguely understood that this was the point when he hightailed out of there. Away from these people. Clearly, there was something off about them and Merlin should honestly just leave and get away from it all. But when Elyan helped him up and smiled, albeit a little nervously, something in Merlin forced him to stay. 

Something Merlin wasn’t so sure he should listen to. But as he watched the pair walk away, whispering furiously to each other, he couldn’t find it in himself to leave. So he turned and walked home, ignoring the ringing of his mind and the unsettling feeling in his chest. Like he always did.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, that wasn't too rushed. Merlin and Morgana are on their way to awkward friends and Merlin knows somethings up be just can't put his finger on it and it's really freaking frustrating. We got some Morgana + Arthur coming up soon as they figure their shit out, and then FINALLY Merthur is rolling in full of angst hopefully in the next few chapters.
> 
> But we still got a lot to do so please be patient. Let me know how it was in the comments and Kudos if you enjoyed it. Stay safe and wear a mask <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin picked at his shirt. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t remember them at all. I don’t remember ever having a real family.”
> 
> His voice was soft and Morgana knew that for the first time, Merlin was telling the truth. He really didn’t remember. _I was your family._
> 
> Morgana grit her teeth. It was so hard to stay mad at Merlin when he didn’t remember anything. And Morgana ached to crack a joke just watch him laugh. Just to forget all her anger and bitterness. And to pretend that maybe things were still okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

“Oh my god. You’re worse than Elyan.” Merlin watched as Morgana slowly scrolled through his phone, her eyes widening as the screen responded to her touch.

“Is this some type of magic?” Her voice was filled with awe and had an odd tone to it.

Merlin snickered. “I wish. It’s just technology. I can’t believe you’ve never seen a phone before.”

Morgana couldn’t help the large smile that broke out on her face as she glanced up at Merlin. Their eyes met and Morgana was suddenly jerked back. What was she doing? Merlin was her enemy. Then why did her heart twist when Merlin’s face fell at Morgana’s sudden movement? 

Morgana looked down, swallowing roughly. She couldn’t lose herself. She had to get Merlin to remember. That’s it. The old days were over. The day's Merlin and Morgana would exchange glances across the room at banquets and would meet up at alcoves to gossip. Those days that had quickly turned to betrayed glances and strained conversations. 

Merlin quietly pocketed his phone and ran a hand through his hair. An awkward silence settled over them and Morgana dared to speak up. “So, um, did you grow up here?”

Merlin shook his head. “Nah. I grew up closer to North Wales.”

Morgana nodded. Where the hell was North Wales? “When did you move here?”

“Around five years ago. I move around a lot so I’ve been to most of Europe already.” Merlin said, leaning back against the back of his chair.

Morgana’s mind raced as she tried to figure a way to get Merlin to remember. “Um, how old are you?”

Merlin tilted his head, his eyes fairly amused. “I’m 23, actually. You?”

“I-uh, I’m 27.” Morgana stammered. “Do you know how to read?”

Merlin furrowed his eyebrows. “Read?”

“Yeah, like an education?” Morgana cursed herself.

Merlin just smiled. “I’m actually earning up to go to Cambridge. Once I get the money I need from working at Avalon then I’m set.”

“Set?”

“Yeah. Once I apply and hopefully get in, then I’m off to Cambridge.” Merlin gave an almost wistful look down the street.

Morgana blinked. He’s going to leave? Her breaths started to come slightly faster but she just nodded along with Merlin. “What about your friends here? Aren’t you leaving them?”

Merlin shrugged. “Yeah, but you know. I need to get an education. I can’t stay here forever.”

“I thought you would’ve already gotten an education,” Morgana spoke before she realized what she was saying.

Merlin’s eyes flickered, a flash of panic taking over for just a fraction of a second before his face went blank. “Nah. After high school, I didn't have enough money to get to college. I lost my family when I was really young and we didn’t have any money.”

Morgana pressed on. “Your family? What happened?”

Merlin picked at his shirt. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t remember them at all. I don’t remember ever having a real family.”

His voice was soft and Morgana knew that for the first time, Merlin was telling the truth. He really didn’t remember. _I was your family._

Morgana grit her teeth. It was so hard to stay mad at Merlin when he didn’t remember anything. And Morgana ached to crack a joke just watch him laugh. Just to forget all her anger and bitterness. And to pretend that maybe things were still okay. 

_\--0-o-0--_

Morgana stared at the book that Merlin had given Elyan. _Catcher in the Rye._ She flipped through the pages just skimming over the text. Groaning, she dropped the book and collapsed against the bed. She had to do something. Break something. Take over a kingdom. She hadn’t felt this useless since she was just the king ward, simply there for Uther to show off. Morgana steeled her nerves and got up, throwing the door open.

Every single person in the room jumped. Morgana stepped inside and shut the door behind her. “I have an idea. Just hear me out.”

Gwen stood up. “Morgana. Why don’t we talk inside?”

“No.” Morgana took another step forward. “I need to talk to Arthur.”

She kept her eyes on Gwen but she could Arthur stiffen from the corner of her eye. Gwen frowned. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Neither do I. Unfortunately, I can’t get Merlin to remember. I tried everything. I got him to talk about his past and I casually brought up the names of his parents just to see if he gets that spark of recognition but there’s only one thing that he never fails to react to. And that’s Avalon. The Lake. I don’t think he’s even conscious of it but I see it in his eyes.” Morgana spoke, daring to move further into the room.

“Elyan can back me up. The other day, we saw a sketch of Avalon. And there was a wooden boat that he drew and the details were fuzzy but I swear Arthur was on that boat. Merlin’s connection to Avalon is not just through his magic but through Arthur. That’s where he sent Arthur off when he died.” Morgana cracked on her knuckles, biting the inside of her cheek. “I can try to help him but Arthur might be the only one who can do it. Merlin and Arthur are the ones of the prophecy. Their fates are intertwined. I can probably help but Arthur’s the only one who can spark his memory.”

The room was silent. Elyan spoke up, hesitant. “Merlin’s seen Arthur before. He didn’t remember then.”

“Then we try again. Get them to become close again. Have Arthur gain Merlin’s trust and then they go to Avalon together. The magic from the lake and Arthur's presence around Emrys must do something.” Morgana urged, trying not to let her own hope seep into her voice.

“You seem to want Merlin to remember. I thought you were against it.”

“I was,” Morgana admitted. “But it’s hard to be mad at someone who doesn’t remember what happened. And if I want to kill him then he might as well know why before it happens.”

“You can’t kill him,” Gwen said, her voice hard.

Morgana rolled her eyes. “You don’t need to stop someone's breath to kill them. Merlin is already half dead. I only push him the rest of the way.”

Gwen moved forward until they were barely a foot apart “You misunderstand me. You’re not going to kill him. I get that you’re angry but you don’t have to go that far. What will killing him accomplish?”

“He ruined my life and I’ll be damned if I don’t make him pay. He took everything from me.” Morgana glared at Gwen, satisfied when she took a careful step back. “I don’t care how long it’s been. I haven’t forgotten anything. I’m still furious at you and everyone else who turned their back on me. Just wait until Merlin’s back.”

“And then what? Say you do kill him. What do you plan on doing? Camelot is gone. There’s no throne for you to take, no laws for you to change. You don’t have any power. Magic or royal. Don’t kid yourself. Yelling at Merlin isn’t going to fix all your problems.” Gwen shot back, her eyes flashing.

“No.” Morgana agreed. “But I might give me the closure I need. There are so many things that I don’t know. And Merlin has answers. Answers that I need. I’m not doing this for you or for Arthur or for Merlin. I’m doing this for me. So I can finally be at peace. All that should matter to you is that I’m trying to get Merlin back. That’s what you wanted from me, right?”

Gwen glanced at the floor and then back up at Morgana. Then she stepped back, looking at Arthur. Morgana took in a breath to calm herself before following Gwen’s gaze. Arthur was on the ground, leaning against the wall. His hair was a mess and there were bags beneath his eyes. Morgana couldn’t help the twinge of satisfaction at watching Arthur look so broken. Nothing like the king he once claimed to be.

She approached him and held out an open palm for him to take. He stared up at her with dark eyes. Morgana simply tilted her chin up and waited. After what felt like an eternity, he reached up and grasped her hand. Morgana yanked him up until they stood eye to eye. She laced her fingers with his in a way she always used to do when they were younger. When they would stand beside Uther and watch the court meetings. Whenever Arthur got scared of one day being king, Morgana was always there to give him a reassuring hand.

Arthur glanced down at their interlaced hands.

“I’m still angry. I’m so angry. But I’m also tired. And as much as I hate to admit it, Gwen’s right. It’s been so long and I already got my revenge on you, dear brother. It took a while but your death was one thing I got right. And if the white goddess found it in herself to reverse that, who I am to challenge her. The only person I actually need to talk to is Merlin. He’s all I care about. And not in a good way. You can try and stop me later but Merlin needs to remember first. So, truce? Just until Merlin’s back?” Morgana found she really didn’t want to kill Arthur anymore. He already died and paid the consequences. And this was a new world. Killing him wouldn’t solve anything. She certainly wasn’t fond of Arthur and wasn’t keen on spending time with him, but she had to get to Merlin. No matter the cost.

Part of her knew that if when they did get Merlin back she wasn’t going to hurt him. She couldn’t if she tried but she won’t. They’d spent so long fighting and trying to kill each other and ruin the others' plans that Morgana realized that they never really got time to talk. And of course, when Merlin is back, she might actually try to kill him, but for now, she just needed to know why. And she could deal with what to do with him later. That was the only reason she was helping them. The only one. 

Arthur squeezed her hand painfully. “I’m angry too. But I want Merlin back. Don’t forget yourself, Morgana. You make one wrong move, I will kill you. Don’t test me.”

Morgana smirked. “I’d like to see you try. You barely had the guts to kill your own father, what makes you think you can kill your sister?”

Arthur’s eyes widened. “What?” He yanked his hand away, stumbling back. “How do you-?”

“I know a lot of things, Arthur. For the king you claimed to be, there were so many things you were completely oblivious about. I could’ve killed you a thousand times over if Emrys hadn’t gotten in my way.”

“Emrys? You keep mentioning that name. Whose Emrys?” Arthur asked, his face genuinely confused.

Morgana barked out a laugh. “You don’t know who Emrys is? Wow. Merlin really didn’t tell you anything did he?”

“What?”

“Merlin is Emrys, you buffoon. Emrys is the greatest warlock to walk the earth. Did you not know this?”

“I-i knew that Merlin was the greatest sorcerer of all time but Emrys? He lied to me about his name?” Arthur asked, his lips parted in shock.

Morgana gave an almost mocking laugh. “It’s a shame. I thought Merlin just didn’t trust me. But it seems that he didn’t trust anyone. I bet he never even told you about his magic until you were on your deathbed.”

Arthur stepped back. “But—”

“That’s who he is, Arthur. He was your best friend for nearly ten years. Do you think you actually knew him? No. Those were lies. That’s all that ever comes out of his mouth. Lies. You don’t know Merlin as well as you think you do, Arthur.”

“Don’t. Don’t. I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to turn me against Merlin.”

Morgana raised an eyebrow. “I’m not trying to do anything. You find out everything Merlin hid from you and that’ll happen on its own.”

“I trust Merlin. I know that that trust wasn’t exactly returned but he was loyal to me. And I’ll get the full story from Merlin himself.” Arthur snarled.

“Good luck with that. You don’t half of the horrors he’s committed.”

“That’s enough.” Arthur’s voice rose to a sharp yell.

“What?” Morgana couldn’t stop herself from goading him on. “You can’t take the truth? You’re scared. You’re scared that when you do eventually find out what Merlin’s done. You won’t look at him in the same way. You’re scared that everything will change.”

“I’m not scared. Whatever Merlin’s done, I’m sure he had a reason.”

Morgana stepped forward again. “You can claim all you want that you’re okay with his magic but I know you’re terrified of it. You haven’t even seen the beginning of what Merlin can do. You’re right. Merlin’s loyal to you. Unwavering loyal. And you have no idea how dark he’s willing to go to make sure that you’re safe.”

Arthur met her gaze. “What? Darker than you were willing to go to get your throne? To get Camelot? I could go on for hours about the atrocities that you have committed. You’re not innocent, Morgana.”

“Of course not. I’m saying that there are two sides to every story. And before you judge me for what I’ve done, maybe take a look at why I did it. Maybe realize that I’m not entirely to blame. Don’t yell at me without knowing the whole story.” Morgana said, clenching her hands into fists. The two stood there, locked into a staring contest for what felt like forever. 

Morgana was the one who broke the stare, looking to the side. “I’m dropping by the shop later this week. You can come with me if you’d like. The sooner the better, yeah?”

And she turned on her heel and left. The moment she closed the door behind her, a sob escaped her throat. She honestly didn’t know why she was crying but everything from Gwen’s untrusting look to Arthur’s dark words sent trembles through her spine. She may put up a confident front but she was more sensitive than she let on. She clapped a hand over her mouth and slid to the ground with a thud, trying to keep her sobs muffled.

And little did she know, Arthur was on the other side of that door, trying to do the same. They both failed.

_\--0-o-0--_

_Merlin’s loyal to you. Unwavering loyal. And you have no idea how dark he’s willing to go to make sure that you’re safe._

Morgana’s words wouldn’t leave Arthur’s head. He really knew nothing about what Merlin had done but Arthur liked to think that if he hadn’t died, Merlin would’ve told him everything. But why had Merlin waited so long to tell him anyway? Did he truly believe that Arthur would light the pyre? Arthur clutched his head, trying to expel the thoughts from his head. He could ask Merlin once he’s back. If he comes back. 

Arthur was outside. He was quickly getting tired of being locked in the shelter and was just laying out on the grass behind the building. A few stars twinkled in the sky but he was disappointed to find that most of them were obscured by the pollution and dust in the air. Arthur remembered when he and Merlin would stretch out in an open clearing while the rest of the knights were asleep whenever they had to camp out overnight. Back in Camelot, there were thousands of stars in the sky. So bright it nearly washed the entire ground silver. It was a shame the stars were all covered up in this new world.

Arthur let out a slow sigh, closing his eyes. _Don’t yell at me without knowing the whole story._ Arthur threw an arm over his face. He knew he was ignorant to half the things that happened in Camelot but Arthur couldn’t help but feel that whatever Merlin did, it couldn’t possibly justify the horrors that Morgana had committed.

Arthur wanted to talk to her about so many things. When did she know about Merlin? Why was she so committed to seeing him dead? Did Morgana actually raise Lancelot from the dead? What did she do to Gwen in the dark tower? So many questions and no answers and Arthur had a nudging suspicion that if Morgana wouldn’t answer him, Merlin could just as well. And Arthur didn’t know how that made him feel.

For the first time since he’s seen Merlin the day he rose from the lake, he let himself cry. Here, shrouded in the darkness, Arthur knew he was alone and finally broke down. Growing up, he was always told that it was a weakness to cry. That a good king never showed any emotion because then people would take advantage of him. Even now, Arthur felt embarrassed every time he let himself cry from Lancelot’s harsh words to get over himself and Morgana’s dark looks that almost challenged him to admit that he was scared. 

And if he was being honest with himself, he was. He was terrified. And he knew that in the grand scheme of things, Morgana and Merlin’s life were much harder than his own but he couldn’t help feeling bad for himself because how the hell was this fair? He had died before he truly accomplished anything he was destined to do and he died knowing that everything his best friend, everything the man he loved told him was a lie. He had died and realized that he knew absolutely nothing. Nothing about Camelot and nothing about Merlin. And he was ashamed. 

Because what type of king was he if he knew nothing about the daily threats that attacked. What type of friend was he if Merlin couldn’t find it in himself to tell him who he truly was. What type of brother was he, if Morgana didn’t have enough faith in him to make sure that every citizen of Camelot, magic or not, had a place there. What kind of person was he? Everyone has told him that Merlin had done so much for him but how much? Was any of Arthur’s accomplishments truly his own? Or were they all Merlin’s? Arthur wouldn’t be surprised if they were.

So Arthur cried, uncaring if he was being selfish or childish or unreasonable. He let every single sob that crawled up his throat escape and every single tear reach his chin and drip into the ground. He cried until he couldn’t breathe and his vision spotted black and he couldn’t control the whimpers that left his mouth.

He let himself break down and forget that his friends were just a couple of feet away. He didn’t care. He let himself think of Merlin and his blue eyes and pearly smiles and the lies that flowed like a continuous wave from his mouth. He let himself think of Merlin’s innocent looks and bright laughter and tripping feet. He let himself think of Morgana and her knowing looks and curling lips and tilted chin because _I’m going to enjoy killing you, Arthur Pendragon._ He let himself choke on his sobs and think of everything that ever went wrong to force the tears to keep coming because if he stopped then he had to get up and go to sleep and face the people that waited inside and that was the last thing he wanted.

Arthur didn't know how long it had been once his breaths had calmed down but he couldn’t stop the slight whimpers that escaped his mouth. Arthur buried his face in his hands and thought of nothing. He waited until he could control himself and curled back into the ground, letting his eyes go unfocused. And when he fell asleep thinking of Merlin, like he always did, he didn’t cry. He didn’t let his mind wander to what all was hiding behind those eyes. He just thought of the simpler days. And in his dreams, Merlin called, _Hey, come on, that’s enough._

And Arthur relished in what once was.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Morgana and Arthur are finally talking. Morgana is kind in that area where she's pissed off but she realizes that she's in the new world where she can't really just kill him. It's just a whole after-life crisis and we are not thriving.
> 
> Morgana and Merlin and getting closer so yay! Morgana + Arthur talk and come to a truce and Arthur and Merlin are going to be meeting each other _very_ soon so stay tuned. I know that there hasn't been a lot of interactions between the knights in the last two chapters but don't worry. I'm just focusing on Morgana for a bit and once she sorts herself out, the knights are back!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it! Stay safe :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin backed away from the counter. “No. I’m not doing this. There is something seriously wrong with you guys. I don't know what you're hiding and if you’re here to kill me or something but I’m leaving. I can’t deal with this anymore. Just-just stay out of my life, okay? Please. I don’t want to get involved.” Without another word, Merlin turned, grabbing the attention of the other worker, and slipped into the back of the shop.
> 
> “Merlin!” Morgana called. She stared after Merlin for a moment before turning around to face Arthur. “Well, he’s gone. Good job, Arthur.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)
> 
> ~

It had been nearly a week since Morgana and Merlin met each other in the shop and Arthur still hadn’t come out. Since Morgana had kicked him awake from when he fell asleep in the grass, he’d locked himself inside, refusing to move. And Morgana didn’t bother trying to get him to leave. If there was one thing she knew about her brother was that if he was set on something, he could not be persuaded otherwise. And Morgana learned early on not to waste her time with him. But she had enough. Enough of pulling on fake smiles and acting like she and Merlin were the best of friends. She had enough of trying to spark Merlin’s memory every day with no progress. So she stormed up to the door and banged on it as loud as she could. “Arthur Pendragon. Get out.”

There was no reply. Morgana took advantage of the fact that the door was nearly falling apart and broke it open with surprising ease. Arthur was seated by the window, the rising golden right washing over his face. She marched forward and yanked his arm, causing him to yelp and jerk back.

“Hello? Are you in there? It’s been nearly a week. What the hell is wrong with you? Do you want to get Merlin back or not? I thought he was the love of your life or something.”

Arthur nearly choked. “What? The love of my life?”

Morgana’s eyes twinkled. “Oh, come on. You two were not subtle at all. You can’t tell me you guys didn’t hook up while you were in Camelot.”

Arthur sputtered, his eyes going wide. “What are you talking about? I never slept with Merlin.”

Morgana just raised an eyebrow. “Ok. But you wanted to.”

Arthur opened his mouth and tried to form words but it seemed like his brain had short-circuited. Morgana flashed him a mocked smile and patted his cheek with more force than necessary. “Run along, brother. You can’t sleep with him if you don’t get him back.”

“I’m not talking to you about this.”

“I mean, I’m not sure what you and Gwen did together but when we hooked up she was telling me—”

Arthur clapped his hands over his ears. “Oh my god, Morgana. What? You hooked up with Gwen?”

Morgana rolled her eyes. “It was a while ago. A couple of months after Merlin came to Camelot. I mean she was my maid and honestly–”

“No! I do not need to hear about your sex life.”

“You asked.”

“Well, I revoke the query.” Arthur snapped, his face horrified. “I can’t believe you slept with Gwen.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t sleep with Merlin. I mean the amount of sexual tension there-”

Arthur squeezed his eyes shut, pushing past Morgana. “No. Stop talking. I’ll come with you to the shop. Is that what you want from me?”

Morgana turned and flashed Arthur a sickly sweet smile. “I’m leaving in half an hour.”

The door shut with a bang and Morgana couldn’t help but start laughing. The door suddenly cracked open again. “Morgana?”

Morgana stopped, her breath catching as Gwen peeked into the room. “What’s going on? What did you tell Arthur? He looked horrified.”

Morgana stiffened, licking her lips. She fought to school her face and turned away. “Nothing. We were just talking.”

“You were laughing. I haven’t heard you laugh like that since—”

“Since what?” Morgana snapped, stepping forward. A sudden rush of anger flooded through her. What was she thinking? Laughing and teasing Arthur like everything was okay. Like nothing had happened between them. Morgana clenched her hands. She’d had enough of this.

“Morgana, that’s not a bad thing.” Gwen stepped into the room but Morgana scrambled back.

Why was she suddenly so soft for these people? She should be angry. Gwen took her throne. Arthur ruined her life. She was furious. But when she looked up at Gwen, she found that she wasn’t angry at her so much as herself. She found that she no longer had a point to be angry and that unsettled her more than anything. Because what was the point then? There was no kingdom to take over or people to kill or magic to use so what was there. What was her purpose? 

Gwen moved forward slowly. She didn’t say a word as she stepped up to Morgana and engulfed her in a hug. Her hands easily slipped around her midsection and Morgana could smell the scent of the air outside on Gwen. She stiffened and couldn’t find it in her to return the hug but Gwen seemed unbothered. She whispered softly into Morgana’s skin. “It’s okay to let go. It’s tiring to be angry all the time. You don’t have to beat yourself up for enjoying yourself. I’m not saying that there aren’t things we need to talk about, but you can relax. Let go.”

Morgana pulled away, her body as stiff as a brick. “I can’t. You have no idea the things I’ve gone through. I won’t do this again. I won’t let myself be happy with the people who- when you all have-”

Morgana’s voice cracked and she cursed herself for being so weak. “Go, Gwen. We can’t just go back to the way things were before. It doesn’t work like that.”

“It doesn’t have to. We don’t have to stay so angry at each other-”

“You can’t say that you aren’t pissed off at me. You especially. You know the things I’ve done to you. You really want to go back after everything I’ve done?”

“You admit that what you did was wrong?”

“There’s no wrong or right, Gwen. I did what I had to do. We both did things. I’m saying that if you can't get over what I did to you, then I can’t get over what you did to me.”

Gwen stared at Morgana. “What did I ever do to you?”

“You—” Morgana forced herself to pause, taking a deep breath. “I’m not having this same conversation. You’re right. We need to talk. And we will. But for now, our only priority is to get Merlin back. And while we may need to work together, don’t think everything alright. Nothing is okay. And it never will be. And the sooner you wrap your mind around that, the sooner you’ll be at peace.”

Morgana pushed past Gwen and left, ignoring every part of her that yearned to stay. They couldn’t go back. And Gwen wasn’t the only one who still hadn’t come to terms with it. 

_ \--0-o-0-- _

Arthur pressed his forehead to the cool brick wall, trying to calm his breaths. They were in an alleyway right near Avalon and Arthur was trying his hardest not to have a heart attack. Elyan had insisted on coming with them and Arthur was starting to really regret forcing him to stay back at the shelter.

“You know for someone who's gone through a shit ton of terrifying things, I can’t believe you’re about to break down over seeing your boyfriend again.” Morgana was leaning on the wall next to him, offering absolutely no help.

Arthur snapped his eyes shut. “He’s not my boyfriend. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Awww.” Arthur could almost see the way Morgana’s lips curled mockingly. “Are you afraid poor Merlin won't return your feelings?”

Arthur inhaled slowly. “You either want to kill me or relentlessly mock me, huh? Can you never shut up?”

Morgana pulled Arthur away from the wall, forcing him to look at her. “I’m your sister, Arthur. That’s my job.”

Arthur knew that the words were said just to rile him up but he couldn’t help the surge of frustration. “You’re my sister? Really? After everything you claim to be doing your job as my sister?”

Morgana just smirked, amused. “I never said I was doing a good job. I mean clearly, it runs in the family seeing as you were just as terrible as a brother.”

“You never gave me a chance.” Arthur hissed, glaring at her.

Morgana just scoffed, pulling him from the alleyway. “Come on. We have more than enough time to yell at each other after Merlin’s back.”

And before Arthur could begin to protest, she was pushing him into the coffee shop. Arthur cursed as the door swung shut behind them. The shop was fairly empty since the morning rush hour had ended nearly an hour back and there were only two people behind the counter.

Arthur stalled, trying to pull Morgana back but she simply let go of his wrist and marched to the counter. Arthur immediately turned to the side so no one could see his face as he pretended to look at the chalkboard full of scribbled quotes on the wall.

“Morgana! Hey. The usual?”

Arthur shut his eyes at Merlin’s voice. He hadn’t properly taken in Merlin the last time since he was too busy crying but the sound of the familiar tone made Arthur tremble.

“Yeah. And my brother will have a black coffee.”

“Brother?” Merlin asked and Arthur nearly turned and high-tailed out of the shop.

“Yeah!” He hated how excited Morgana was. Because of course, she had to make his life a living hell.

“Arthur. Would you be a darling and come say hi. Don’t be rude.” Her voice softened a bit as she turned to speak with Merlin. “Don’t mind him. He's just a little bit in love with you so he’s kind of nervous.”

Arthur’s heart stopped and he was whirling around before he could realize what a terrible decision that was. “I am not.”

Merlin turned to face him and his face suddenly transformed from an amused but questioning look to something much more ugly.

“Wait. Crazy blondie?” Merlin gaped at Arthur before slamming his hands on the counter. “Oh my god. It’s you guys. You came into the shop nearly a month back. With- with your knights or whatever. Gwaine and Lancelot? All of you were there!”

Morgana blinked. “What? When did we come to the shop?”

“You. You were the unconscious one in the- the black dress.”

“You know for someone with such a terrible memory, you seem to remember that pretty well,” Morgana remarked.

“Well of course I do. Blondie broke down in front of me and the other two came prancing into my shop and didn’t even know what a phone was- Elyan was there too. Is this some kind of joke?” Merlin went from shocked to angry in a flash of a second.

“No. No. You misunderstood. Elyan and I were just trying to be your friends. There’s nothing to that. I don’t know what Gwaine and Lancelot were doing here but they were probably acting like idiots. They do that to everyone. And um, Arthur. He has…” Morgana hesitated as she scrambled for an excuse. “He has a mental affliction. He’s kind of emotional and-”

Merlin backed away from the counter. “No. I’m not doing this. There is something seriously wrong with you guys. I don't know what you're hiding and if you’re here to kill me or something but I’m leaving. I can’t deal with this anymore. Just-just stay out of my life, okay? Please. I don’t want to get involved.” Without another word, Merlin turned, grabbing the attention of the other worker, and slipped into the back of the shop.

“Merlin!” Morgana called. She stared after Merlin for a moment before turning around to face Arthur. “Well, he’s gone. Good job, Arthur.”

  
  


Arthur was frozen for a count of five before he startled back into reality. “Hey! Is there a back door or is the front the only way to enter?”

The man who was working the coffee machine glanced up. “There’s only one door. Though I should warn you that if you’re planning on waiting here for Merlin to come back out then that's a terrible idea. He already thinks you’re stalking him.”

Arthur groaned, clutching his hair. “Shit.  _ Shit _ ”

“Tearing out your hair isn’t going to help, you know.” Morgana drawled, watching him in concealed amusement.

“This is your fault. You told me to come to him. Of course, he freaked out. Oh my god, Elyan’s going to kill me.”

“I can do that for you if you want.”

Arthur glared at Morgana. “Excuse me? What is wrong with you? I thought that we had a deal.”

Morgana snorted. “Sure. It’s a lost cause, Arthur. I don’t know what you were thinking.”

The man behind the counter leaned over. “Hey. If you’re not going to buy anything then you have to leave. And preferably never come back.”

Morgana shot the man a smile. “Go to hell.” She grabbed Arthur’s arm. “Let’s go. It’s no use.”

Arthur sputtered. “But- we can’t just leave. I have to talk to Merlin. I—”

“Don’t kid yourself, Arthur. You nearly broke down outside and you barely said anything to him. You’re completely incapable of expressing emotions and having a decent conversation so I don’t know what you think you’re going to do.”

“Then why the hell did you tell me that you needed my help?”

Morgana shrugged. “I wanted to try it. I have to admit though, it was hilarious to watch Merlin look so terrified.”

Arthur growled, pushing away from Morgana and storming down the street. He didn’t stop to check whether Morgana was following him or not.

_ \--0-o-0-- _

Merlin had lost all concept of time eons ago but he couldn’t but feel like the week had ended unfairly fast. He stood before the pub that he had gone to last time and wondered again why he was there.  _ I have to talk to Merlin.  _ He shivered as he recalled the broken words that the bloke- Arthur- had yelled to Morgana once Merlin had disappeared behind the door. It was nothing like he had expected from an FBI agent and Merlin had to physically stop himself from bursting back out. It was for the best. He had already started to pack up his stuff and search for plane tickets because he had to get out of here. Something about them was unsettling and made Merlin want to race across the world, but another part of Merlin ached to stay and never leave. A part of Merlin that he had found himself listening to far too often. 

He pushed it down. He would leave by next week. It was stupid of him anyway, to get close to so many people. It would be hard enough to leave Rowan, the only co-worker Merlin let himself talk to. But with Elyan and Morgana who had quickly inched their way into his heart, Merlin was terrified that he wouldn’t have the strength.

It was a Thursday night and Merlin should probably be getting ready for bed by now but he pushed inside the pub regardless. He had to forget. And he was leaving anyway so Rowan could manage a day without him. The place wasn’t as crowded as it was on weekends with only a few dozen people scattered around. He slid into one of the seats at the counter. “The strongest drink you have, please.”

Arthur tore through the streets. He didn’t know where but he looped his way around the city with ease he didn’t know he had. His feet came to a stop before a pub. The same pub where Gwaine and Percival worked at. The same place Arthur swore he would never return to after watching Gwaine drape himself disgustingly over his boyfriend the entire time. He went inside.

Arthur breathed heavily, glancing around the pub. It wasn’t too crowded but every inch of Arthur sparked with something he didn’t quite know. Something that pushed him forward despite all his attempts to turn around. His eyes caught on Percival on one side of the bar. “Percy!”

He glanced up and froze. “Arthur? What are you doing here?”

“I don’t know.” Arthur gripped the bar. “I thought something was waiting for me here.”

The same bartender from before served him a drink and Merlin downed it all in one gulp before questioning what he was even drinking.

“Is that feeling still there?” The bartender asked, watching him curiously. Merlin’s skin itched beneath the unwavering gaze. The man looked familiar and Merlin was unbearably frustrated that he didn’t know why.

“Feeling?”

“Yeah. You came here last week, yeah?” His voice was soft as if he was trying his hardest not to scare him away.

“I did.” Merlin sat up again, his memory sparking. “You’re the same bartender.”

“I am.”

It should’ve given him a relief to know why he looked familiar but strangely enough, the unsettlement didn’t fade with the realization. “The feeling. The feeling of something waiting for me.”

The man smiled. “That’s the one. I’m guessing since you’re still here that feeling hasn’t faded?”

Merlin frowned, staring down at his empty glass. “It has. I feel like now I’m the one waiting. For something. Or someone.”

Merlin bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from spilling out anything else to the bartender. He didn't know why he had said that anyway.

Percival watched Arthur with an unreadable expression. “You thought that someone was waiting for you? Here?”

Arthur groaned, dropping his head to the counter. “I know. It’s stupid. I don’t know why I’m here. I’ll just go.”

Percival grabbed Arthur’s wrist before he could pull away. “Look down to your left.”

Arthur blinked. “What?”

Percival jerked his head to the side, his eyes hard. “Left. He’s waiting for you.”

Arthur turned. And his heart stopped for the second time that day. 

Merlin could feel someone's gaze on him. He ignored it though, refilling his drink again. He wasn’t anywhere near drunk yet but he was carefully drifting somewhere between sobriety and dizziness. His skin buzzed with warmth but he was still coherent. Clearly not drunk enough. Someone settled into the empty seat beside him. Merlin didn’t look over. And the person didn’t bother to strike up a conversation, seemingly content to sit there, doing nothing.

The warmth of the body so close to him did more to his nerves that the alcohol could ever. He could smell the sweat on his skin and coffee in his breath. Avalon’s coffee. Merlin didn’t think twice about it, taking another sip of his drink.

“Hello.” The man’s voice was rough like he’d spent the last thousand years crying. It had a slight rasp to it that sent shivers down Merlin’s spine.

Merlin gave a slight nod, still not looking over.

Merlin was on his fifth refill when the man spoke up again. “I’m Arthur.”

Merlin’s vision danced with black spots and he knew that if he opened his mouth, he couldn’t really control what came out. The name was familiar.

“Arthur?” Merlin dared to glance up. The man had gotten a drink at some point. It was still full and his fingers were clenched dangerously tight around it. Merlin’s breath caught as his gaze trailed up to sweat pooled in the swells of his collarbones and to his sharp jaw that was rough with stubble. His dirty blonde hair was long enough to hang into his clear blue eyes that were blown wide in the semi-darkness of the pub. 

The man was unfairly gorgeous. He glanced up at met Merlin’s eyes. “Arthur Pendragon. I wanted to apologize for earlier. I hadn’t realized how stalkerish that would have come off as. I swear to you that I mean you no harm. My friends and I have only ever had each other and I guess I wanted to get to know the man who became friends with my sister and Elyan.”

Arthur paused as if considering his words. Merlin wondered if the shine in his eyes were a trick of the light or something more. “I want to get to know you better. I really do need new friends. Would you give me another chance? Please?”

Merlin snorted. “I never thought I would hear you say the word ‘please’ to me.”

Arthur blinked. “What?”

Merlin tipped his head back and finished his drink, relishing in the way his world tilted dangerously to one side. He pushed the glass across and stood up. “Arthur Pendragon. For your unbelievably posh accent, one would think that you were filthy rich.”

Arthur stood up with him, his own drink forgotten. “Oh?”

Merlin flashed the man a flirtatious smile. “I’m going to need you to be a lot more drunk.”

“That’s alright. I just wanted to apologize.”

“And you did. Apology accepted.” Merlin grabbed Arthur’s drink and brought it to Arthur’s lips. “Now drink up. You are far too coherent. And far too gorgeous to come home with me sober.”

Arthur sputtered, choking on his wine. Merlin snickered, calling for the bartender to refill the drink. Merlin then pushed the glass into Arthur's hand, stepping closer. He was barely aware of the words that slipped through his mouth because the alcohol in Arthur’s breath made everything go dizzy. Blood rushed through his ears, blocking out the music and chatters of those around until all he could hear was Arthur.  _ Arthur. _

“This is a bad idea. I really shouldn’t–” Arthur protested but Merlin moved even closer until his hand could easily slip around Arthur’s waist. 

“Come on, babe. For me?” Merlin let his lips spread into a sultry smile. The same smile that had lured god knows how many people into his bed before.

Arthur tried not to fall prey to Merlin. It had already taken everything in him to get out a coherent apology and not break down. But Merlin was pushing another glass into his hand and stepping even closer, fluttering his lashes unconsciously. For as many drinks as Arthur had seen Merlin gulp down, his movements were still graceful and sure. But Arthur could see the alcohol's effects in the way Merlin’s eyes went unfocused and his words slurred slightly.

It was a bad idea to get drunk. A terrible one since all the others were waiting back at the shelter, Gwaine was nowhere to be seen and Percival had moved on to other customers, not paying attention to them. Merlin’s hands dropped to his waist, his lower half pressing flush against his and Arthur couldn’t breathe. Nothing could have prepared him for the slow smile that curled over his lips, revealing his pearly white teeth. His eyes crinkled at the edges and there was something dark in his gaze that stripped Arthur bare.

“Come on, babe. For me?”

Arthur’s composure cracked and Merlin slipped one of his hands up his side to cup his jaw, sliding a thumb over Arthur’s lips and leaning even closer and pushing, pushing,  _ pushing  _ until—

-~-~-~

Everything ached. His head throbbed so hard that everything went blurry the moment he opened his eyes. His lower half burned with a feeling that scared Arthur more than he would like to admit. He jerked up, immediately regretting that decision when his world tumbled upside down and inside out and Arthur groaned. Clutching his head, he slowly moved up, the dark blue sheets pooling at his naked hips. Glancing over, a pale body was stretched beside him. Miles of skin disappeared beneath the covers and a head of black hair snored softly into the pillow and Arthur's mind caught up rather quickly. He moved to get up, yelping when he realized that the bedsheets were the only thing protecting his dignity.

Merlin stirred, twisted over, murmuring nonsense in his half-asleep state. His eyes fluttered open and Arthur’s heart stuttered at the color, dark enough to match the bedsheets. Merlin yawned, stretching his hands up, and looked at Arthur. 

The two men stared at each other for what felt like an eternity before it seemed to dawn on him what had happened. And the reaction was instantaneous. Merlin jumped up, scrambling from the bed, not bothering to cover himself up as the sheets slipped off him. Arthur still didn’t move. Their eyes stayed locked.

_ Arthur knew he never should’ve gotten drunk. Shit. _

_ \--0-o-0-- _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That moment when you plan out the entire story and finish writing a chapter to realize it's nothing like you planned it to be. I hope this was okay anyway. Also, did you catch the foreshadowing from the beginning to the end of this chapter? 
> 
> I love Morgana so much and I do hope that I'm doing her character justice. She will get everything she deserves from Merlin and everyone else so hopefully, that turns out well.
> 
> Comment and Kudos; they give me life and motivation. Healthy Holidays!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the only times Gwaine had really interacted with Morgana was when she had made him fight for food to give to Gaius when they were trapped in Camelot’s dungeons. He could still see Morgana stalk forward and curl her hands around bars, giving Gwaine a daring look that in a different universe, Gwaine could’ve fallen in love with.
> 
> _Gwaine, so handsome, so selfless. Of course, you shall have some supper, as long as you're prepared to sing for it._
> 
> In different circumstances, the game would’ve been fun. With Gwaine fighting and Morgana upping the stakes with every look. But it wasn’t fun. Because Gauis was back at the cell dying. Because Arthur and Merlin and everyone else was out there fighting to be able to come back home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

Merlin couldn’t breathe. His mind went a million miles per hour and he was so thankful that his body had gotten used to his hangovers so he didn’t feel like walking into traffic. Arthur seemed to have taken the worse of hangover effects and coupled with the absolute terror that he could see in his eyes, Merlin knew Arthur was close to throwing up. 

He was proved right when Arthur suddenly jerked, his hand clapping over his mouth. 

Merlin moved quickly, grabbing the trashcan beneath his desk to toss it to Arthur, knowing he wouldn’t last to the bathroom. Arthur heaved, curling up into the trash can, his free hands still bunching the bedsheets above his hips. Usually, whenever Merlin hooked-up, he went to the other person’s place and on the rare occasion someone came over to his, they were usually gone by the time Merlin woke up. And now, faced with a naked man who was throwing up in his bed, Merlin’s brain short-circuited. 

He cleared his throat. “Um, the bathroom's third door on the left.” Merlin yanked open his dresser and pulled on some sweats, suddenly aware of the fact he was stark naked. “Your clothes are on the floor somewhere. I’ll let you freshen up.”

Without another word. Merlin turned and slipped out of his room, leaving his possible murderer alone. Merlin cursed, rubbing his cheeks roughly as he made his way to the kitchen. Of all the people to hook up with.

Merlin had nearly finished his pancakes when Arthur crept into the main room. Dressed in rumpled clothes and his hair disarray. His eyes were bloodshot and he walked with a slight limp that had implications Merlin couldn’t wrap his mind around. Merlin pushed a plate towards him. “Pancakes?”

Arthur stared at the food as if he’d never seen pancakes before and then looked back up at Merlin. Merlin has never hated his habit of baking when he was panicked more. “No thanks.”

Merlin had to stop himself from letting out an undignified squeak. If he thought Arthur’s voice was attractive the night before, it was nothing on his morning voice. Merlin couldn’t remember anything past bringing Arthur home but his words from last night were finally registering. 

_I wanted to apologize for earlier. I swear to you that I mean you no harm._

Merlin sat down, cursing himself again for not getting a shirt when he left in his rush. He stuffed one of his pancakes in his mouth and didn’t dare try to start the conversation. For a while, it seemed Arthur didn’t have any intention either. Merlin was on his third pancake—they were small pancakes— when Arthur spoke up.

“I’m sorry. For last night.”

Merlin froze. He was apologizing? Swallowing quickly he replied. “What? No. I-i kind of forced you. I’m not sure what you remember but I’m sorry I made you get drunk when you didn’t want to. I would never—”

“Shut up, Merlin.” Arthur rolled his eyes, almost fondly. “You didn’t force me to do anything. I’m a grown man and I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions. Yeah, you were no help but you’re not entirely to blame.”

Merlin chewed on his lip, tracing his hand over the table. “I’m sorry, too. About yesterday afternoon? At the shop? I kind of freaked out and I—”

“Hey, no. You’re fine. We’re a large group and I never realized how creepy we must have been. But I promise that none of us wish to harm you. We just wanted to be your friend.”

“I understand that but I don’t think you can. I’m leaving.” The moment the words left Merlin's mouth he regretted it. He wasn’t planning on telling anyone that he was leaving. He didn’t see the point. 

Arthur frowned. “Leaving?”

“Yeah. I’m not sure what Morgana and Elyan have told you but I move around a lot and it’s time I pack up and leave. I’m basically set to go off to Cambridge anyway.”

Arthur scoffed. “That’s bullshit. You can’t just leave, Merlin. What about us?”

Merlin tilted his head. “Excuse me? I don’t even know you, Arthur. I’ve barely known Elyan and Morgana for a month and I don’t think that it’s best to continue that. It’s better for everyone involved.”

Arthur opened his mouth and then closed it before speaking again. “When?”

Merlin tried his hardest to ignore the crack in Arthur’s voice. Tried to ignore the crack in his own heart at the thought of leaving these people. He might have only known them for a couple of weeks but Merlin was more attached than he liked to admit. Hell, he didn’t even know the man sitting before him but the thought of leaving him sent shudders through Merlin. He forced himself to keep talking. “Next week.”

Arthur was silent. After a moment, he jerked up, the chair screeching against the floor. “I have to go. This-this was a mistake. I’m sorry.”

And before Merlin could even stand up, the door was swinging shut behind Arthur.

_\--0-o-0--_

Gwaine barely ever saw Morgana before she betrayed Camelot. The two weren’t close but he had always thought that had things been different, the two would’ve been the most chaotic pair in Camelot. And how Gwaine loves chaos. The two were similar in that way. Both put up confident exteriors though they were sensitive in reality. Both loved a challenge and never backed down from one.

One of the only times Gwaine had really interacted with Morgana was when she had made him fight for food to give to Gaius when they were trapped in Camelot’s dungeons. He could still see Morgana stalk forward and curl her hands around bars, giving Gwaine a daring look that in a different universe, Gwaine could’ve fallen in love with.

_Gwaine, so handsome, so selfless. Of course, you shall have some supper, as long as you're prepared to sing for it._

In different circumstances, the game would’ve been fun. With Gwaine fighting and Morgana upping the stakes with every look. But it wasn’t fun. Because Gauis was back at the cell dying. Because Arthur and Merlin and everyone else was out there fighting to be able to come back home. 

Someone came up behind him and settled beside him on the ground. Gwaine didn’t turn to see who it was. He instead kept his gaze on the horizon, watching the sky and clouds shift as the minutes ticked by.

“We scared off Merlin.”

Gwaine snorted. “I heard.”

Morgana nodded, curling her hands around her shins. “I was planning on talking to Percival first. To, you know, get the hard part over with.”

Gwaine let out a bitter snort. “The hard part.”

“Yeah. I mean I did kill his boyfriend. There’s a reason Mordred isn’t here, you know.”

Gwaine finally looked up at Morgana. “What does Mordred have to do with anything.”

“Mordred killed Arthur. You think it’s a coincidence that I’m here and he’s not?” Morgana dropped her head forward so it rested on her knees. She looked so small when curled up.

“Merlin.” Gwaine realized. “Merlin didn’t let Mordred come back.”

“Whether it was a conscious decision or not. Merlin had something to do with the fact that he isn’t here.”

Gwaine hummed softly. “Alright. So you think I would be easier to talk to.”

“Arthur and I are cooperating.” 

“Yeah, well. You and Arthur have a wildly different relationship than you and I.” Gwaine said, digging his fingers into the dirt.

Morgana tilted her head to face Gwaine. “You’re right. I’m not going to apologize for killing you. Of course, all you did do is lead me to my own death but I don’t regret it.”

“Why not? What did you accomplish from killing me?”

Morgana’s lips curled into something a bit more sinister. “Merlin. He was already suffering from the loss of Arthur. I wonder how he felt when he knew that you had died as well. You two were very close after all.”

“That’s why you don’t regret it. Because you wanted Merlin to suffer?”

“He may have dedicated his life to protect Arthur but he still considered you all his closest friends. He still held himself responsible for all of your lives.”

Gwaine always knew that Morgana hated Merlin but somehow hearing it right from her lips that she wanted Merlin to suffer sent a shockwave through his body. He couldn’t imagine anyone hating Merlin so much. “You seem to know Merlin pretty well.”

Morgana laughed. “I did. I do. I may not know everything but I was one of his closest friends for the longest time. I’d like to think I picked up a thing or two about him.”

“And yet you never found out about who he truly was until the last minute, hmm?” Gwaine snarked out, part of him wanting to see Morgana lose her almost innocent composure.

Morgana simply stared at Gwaine. “No,” she agreed. “But you didn’t find out until after you died, was it? I heard you escorted him to the Crystal Cave for him to get his magic back. And he still didn’t tell you what he was doing.”

A wave of bitterness crashed over Gwaine. He’d been trying not to think about that until Merlin was back. He liked to think that Merlin was one of his closest friends. He was one of the only people he told about his father and his past noble life. He put all of his trust in Merlin and to learn that that trust wasn’t returned hurt. Especially since the secret was magic. Gwaine had essentially grown up around magic and yet he trusted Lancelot more than he’d ever trust Gwaine.

Morgana’s gaze bored into him and Gwaine got the feeling she knew exactly what was running through his mind. Morgana leaned forward until her lips were barely touching his ear. “That betrayal you’re feeling? Multiply that by hundreds and maybe you’ll understand how I felt.”

“It doesn’t matter how betrayed I am. I would never turn on him as you did.” Gwaine's voice was nothing but a harsh whisper.

“No? What if you had magic? What if you grew up in a kingdom where your own father executes people who are like you? What if you grew up knowing that your own family would kill you without a second thought if they knew who you were? What if you stumbled across Merlin and confided in him, hoping for some support, some relief. Something to tell you that you’re not alone. And what does he do? He pushes you away.”

Gwaine turned on Morgana. “That’s not fair. Merlin was going through the same thing as you. I’m sure he tried his best to help you but you can’t blame him for not telling you about his own magic.”

Morgana frowned. “Oh? You’re telling me that you don’t think Merlin should have told you? That you understand why he didn’t tell you?” She let out a harsh laugh. “Don’t kid yourself, Gwaine. You wish with all your heart that he told you and trusted you. Don’t look me in the eye and say that you don’t blame him.”

Before Gwaine could reply, Gwen came running out of the shelter. “Where’s Arthur?”

Percival and Lancelot were right on her heels. Percival said, “I saw him with Merlin yesterday but when I looked back the two of them were gone. I assumed that he would come back later but I fell asleep and he’s still not here. Where were you last night, Gwaine?”

Gwaine pulled away from Morgana. “I didn’t feel like working. I was just out exploring. You’re saying that Merlin was at the pub? Our pub?”

Gwen groaned, pacing across the grass. “Apparently the two got drunk so god knows what they’re doing right now. They could be anywhere.”

Gwaine blinked. “They got drunk? Together?”

“Yes, Gwaine.” Lancelot snapped. “Are you deaf?”

“Are you stupid?” Gwaine retorted. “Two men, both of whom are in love with the other, consciously or unconsciously, drunk and alone in a pub? What do you think they’re doing?”

Lancelot froze, scandalized. “What? They are not—

“Guys!” Arthur’s voice echoed across the area and everyone looked up to see Arthur jog over to them. “I—”

“Arthur Pendragon.” Gwen snapped. “Where the hell have you been? You said you would be home before 11 last night.”

Arthur panted, wiping sweat from his forehead. “I know. Mer—”

Gwaine whistled loudly. “Come on, guys. Same rumpled clothes, looking like he ran all the way from Merlin’s place? Princess out here doing the walk of shame while we freaked over where he is.”

Arthur flushed. “Walk of shame?”

Gwaine shot him a cocky smirk. “Are you trying to tell me that you didn’t just sleep with Merlin?”

“You what?” Gwen thundered, glaring at Arthur whose hands shot up in surrender.

“Ok, look. I don’t want to talk about it. That’s not important. Merlin’s leaving.”

Morgana sat up, paying attention for the first time. “He told me about that. He’s saving money up or something to go to college. What a bullshit excuse.”

Arthur gaped at Morgana. “You knew he was leaving? And you didn’t tell us?”

“Calm down, little brother. When is he moving?”

Arthur seemed close to pulling his hair out. “Next week. He said- he said he’s already started packing up his stuff and it’s best if we don’t get any closer to him since he’s not planning on returning or something.” Arthur paced up and down the grass. “He accepted my apology but said we couldn’t be friends and he can’t leave. We’re so close to getting him back and if he leaves then everything we’ve is for no use. Merlin’s never going to come back he’s going to live the rest of eternity walking around like a fool with no idea of what he doesn’t remember and—”

Leon was up and over to Arthur in an instant. Gwaine started at the sudden movement. He hadn’t realized when Leon and Elyan came out. Leon gripped Arthur's shoulders and spoke in a soft voice. “Woah. Hey, there. Deep breaths, that’s it. Come on, Arthur. Breath with me.”

But Arthur wasn’t. He didn’t seem to get any air into his lungs and was choking out incoherent mumbles about Merlin and pale skin and hangovers and Gwaine internally cheered that he was right. Arthur coughed, falling to the ground. Gwaine stood up, worry slowly taking over. “Arthur—”

Morgana pushed herself to her feet and pushed Leon away from Merlin. “Come on, Arthur. Let’s go. Don’t choke yourself to death.”

Morgana hauled Arthur inside and the door swung shut behind them. 

There was dead silence before Gwaine spoke up. “Should one of us go in there to make sure Morgana doesn’t kill Arthur.”

“Don’t be stupid, Gwiane.” Gwen snapped, still looking pissed off. “Morgana’s helping him. She’s changed.”

“I hate to break it to you, sweetheart” Gwaine ignored Lancelot's sharp look at the pet name. “But she really hasn’t. Just because she’s not actively trying to flay him alive doesn’t mean she’s changed.”

“It’s at least an improvement,” Gwen said sharply. “And call me ‘sweetheart’ again and Arthur’s life won’t be the only one in danger.” 

_\--0-o-0--_

Elyan knocked on Merlin’s door, praying to all the gods that Arthur had given the right directions. The door swung open and revealed Merlin. He was dressed in sweats and his hair was in disarray. “Elyan? Oh my god. Please tell me Arthur didn’t send you here.”

Elyan offered a weak smile. “No, he didn’t. He did give me your address but I didn’t come to talk about him. I wanted to run something by you.”

Merlin hesitantly let him in and shut the door behind him. “What did Arthur tell you?”

Elyan shrugged, feigning nonchalance. “Nothing really. Just spewed an incoherent mess before rushing inside. Anyway, there’s this place that I’ve always wanted to visit. People say it’s the most beautiful lake in the area but apparently, it’s sealed off from the public.”

Merlin froze. “Lake?”

“Yeah. I think it was called Lake Laucas? The one you drew in your sketchbook.” Elyan said, digging his nails into his palms in a desperate attempt to keep himself from backtracking.

“It’s a beautiful lake. I don’t see what it has to do with me, though.” 

“Well, we wanted to visit and I figured if anyone knew how it would be you. I’m told it's half an hour away by drive and we wanted to walk there. That would be almost a two-hour walk and I was thinking that maybe you could get to know my friends?” Elyan asked.

Merlin laughed. “I’m not so sure that's a good idea. I have things to do so I can’t just go for a four-hour walk round trip to bond with people.”

Elyan sat down. “I’ll be honest, Merlin. I’ve never met anyone like you. Ever. You became such a big part of my life in such little time and I know we haven’t known each other for long but you can’t say you don’t feel the same way. I feel like I've known you forever.”

Elyan watched Merlin swallow roughly and glance at the floor. He pushed on. “You’re planning on leaving. I know. But just let me get to know you a bit more. I know Arthur wants to. After we come back, you can leave. You can pack up your stuff and get out of here and never talk to us again. That’s okay. All I’m asking for is one last day. And we’ll all be out of your hair. I promise.”

Merlin was silent. As the seconds ticked by Elyan started to get more and more fidgety but he refused to leave. Elyan could tell that Merlin was warring with himself. He couldn’t pretend to know what it felt like for Merlin. To have all these strangers come begging for him to take them out for a day. But Elyan knew that there was part of him that remembered them. Elyan knew that that was the only reason Merlin hadn’t already left. They had to use that to their advantage. If Morgana was right and being around the lake could spark his memory, then Merlin didn't even have to leave once they'd come back.

It was the trip to the lake that Elyan was worried about. Merlin ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “Elyan…”

“Please. The Lake of Avalon. That’s all I’m asking for.”

Merlin rubbed his cheeks and studied Elyan for a moment before replying. “Okay.”

The moment the words left his mouth, Merlin seemed to want to take it back, like he hadn't thought he would say it out loud. But it was too late. “Okay! That’s great. Just drop by the shelter tomorrow morning, yeah?”

Merlin gave a shaky grin. “Yeah, ok.”

Elyan gave his most reassuring look before leaving and shutting the door behind him. Sagging against the wood, he let out a relieved breath. 

It wasn’t until later that day, Merlin realized what exactly Elyan had asked of him. _The Lake of Avalon. That’s all I’m asking for._ Merlin knew it was Lake Laucus, not Avalon, but for some reason, he had agreed, not bothering to correct Elyan. But the more Merlin thought about it, the more Laucus started to seem more and more fake. And Avalon started to carve a path through his mind that hadn’t been uncovered in centuries.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was some Gwaine + Morgana here because I truly think that they would've been the most chaotic friends ever and I love. I hope the ending wasn't too rushed but Merlin's coming back soon ya'll!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it! Happy Holidays <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He glanced up at Gwaine, who had quickly calmed down, watching Merlin intently. Curiously. Like everyone else was. Gwaine tilted his head to the side, studying him with more intent than Merlin was comfortable with. 
> 
> Merlin adjudged the strap of his bag and tilted his chin up, suddenly feeling like he was in the middle of a game he didn’t understand. A game he shouldn’t even be aware he was a part of. Merlin met Gwaine’s gaze head-on, satisfied when he startled slightly at the intense look in his eyes. “Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

Rowan gripped the table, his body curling inwards with laughter. Merlin rolled his eyes and groaned. “It’s not that funny. Stop it.”

Rowan snorted, his eyes twinkling with mirth. “You slept with crazy blondie.”

“His name is Arthur.” Merlin snapped. “And we were both drunk.”

Rowan smirked, nodding his head alongside Merlin almost mockingly. “Yes, of course. Now, why are you freaking out again?”

“I told Elyan I would bring them to the lake. On a walk. That’s a four-hour-long round trip.” 

Rowan raised his eyebrow. “Ok. Why?”

Merlin tugged at his hair. “I don’t know. Elyan was just like ‘please, I'm begging you’ and I broke. But I can’t just take them to the lake, that’s ridiculous. And walk there? Why can’t we just drive or something?”

“Ok, so just tell him you can’t do it. It’s not that big of a deal.” Rowan said, leaning back to prop his feet on the table.

“I can’t do that.” Merlin paced the floor. “I already told him I would do it.”

Rowan leaned forward. “Hey, buddy. If you don’t want to go, then tell him you're busy. You’re not obligated to do anything for them. I’m sure Elyan can find his own way to the Lake.”

Merlin gasped. “That’s it. You should go. You can go and guide them to the lake and I’ll stay here.” _And pack my stuff to leave_ , Merlin added silently.

Rowan snickered. “I am not walking to the lake. I don’t even know them. There’s a reason I never got close to them, okay? I don’t have the emotional capacity for more than one friend.”

Merlin pouted. “Well, I’m your friend. Consider it a favor for me.”

Rowan shook his head. “Nope. Sorry. I can’t go to the Lake with your friends. Just say you're busy. What’s so hard about that?”

Merlin hesitated, collapsing on the couch beside Rowan. “I don’t know. I feel like I have to go with them.”

Rowan scratched his jaw. “I think we’re going in circles here so I’m going to make the decision for you, yeah? You’re going. It’s one day and they promised to leave you alone after that, right? Just go. Let loose and have fun. A walk would be good for you. Anything happens, just call me and I’ll get the police in case they’re actually murderers or something.”

Merlin laughed. “They’re not murderers. They’re far too nice for that.”

“Ok, so you good?”

Merlin slumped back. “Yeah. I’m good.”

Rowan sat up excitedly. “Ok, then back to what's important. You really had the audacity to look me in the eye and say that you were not interested in blondie and then hook up with him?”

Merlin dragged a hand over his face. “Oh my god.”

_\--0-o-0--_

Arthur was having a mental breakdown. He slept with Merlin. _Merlin._ And he can’t even remember it. The last Arthur could remember was the flirty smile on Merlin’s face and Merlin’s hand pushing the glass of wine to his lips. After that, everything went blurry but judging by the way his body was aching, Arthur did not go to Merlin’s house for a simple nap.

“I don’t know why you’re freaking out. I mean, ok, you slept with Merlin. So what?”

Arthur shot Morgana a glare. “So what? He thinks I’m crazy. And I went and got drunk and slept with him! He doesn’t even remember me.”

Morgana leaned forward. “Arthur, I promise you, Merlin is fine. It was just a hookup. Once we get his memory back, if I don’t kill him, you’ll have all the time in the world to sleep with him again.”

Arthur clenched his teeth. “Why are you so angry with Merlin, anyway?”

Morgana snorted. “You really don’t know anything, do you? I’m not so keen on explaining everything he’s done to me so why don’t we wait and Merlin can tell you himself.”

“What if I want to hear it from you?” Arthur asked.

“That’s not a good idea,” Morgana said, not bothering to elaborate. 

Arthur pressed his lips together and turned away from Morgana. He could feel Morgana’s gaze burning holes into his head and his jaw throbbed. “Thanks. For helping me calm down. It was unorthodox, but I appreciate it.”

Morgana snorted, flexing her fingers. The skin over her knuckles were just a bit cracked from when she had punched Arthur in the jaw. In her defense, he wasn’t breathing and Morgana panicked. It was also an excuse to punch her brother so she took it. “Of course. What am I here for?”

Arthur looked up, a soft smile spreading over his lips and Morgana tensed. “I miss you. The old you.”

Morgana licked her lips and took in a shaky breath. “You never knew me, Arthur.”

“Your magic doesn’t define you, Morgana. The girl that I grew up with was still you.”

“And the girl that tried to kill you wasn’t me?”

Arthur hesitated, his smile faltering. “It wasn’t the Morgana I thought I knew. The Morgana who-”

Arthur’s voice broke and he looked away. A tense silence fell over the two and Morgana clenched her teeth, getting up. “You’re wrong. Magic does define me. But magic didn’t turn me against Camelot. It didn’t make me evil.”

“No. It was the way that you were raised. The way Uther treated you and ingrained his own prejudices about magic in your head.”

Morgana scoffed. “It wasn’t just Uther.”

“No.” Arthur agreed. He glanced up, his eyes etched with guilt and regret. “It wasn’t.”

Morgana looked up, surprised. “You admit it?”

Arthur looked away. “I’m not admitting to anything. Whatever happened, whatever Father and I did to you, it does not excuse what you did.”

“Oh? Then whose fault is it?”

“I thought that was obvious, Morgana.” Arthur rubbed his forehead, his voice tired. “You can spend years trying to justify your actions but at the end of the day, you have no one to blame but yourself.”

_\--0-o-0--_

Gwen heaved a sigh and leaned back against the side of the wall. Her hands were sweaty and she tried to wipe them on her dress, trying to calm her heart rate.

“What’s wrong, my lady?” Leon asked, dropping down beside her.

“Don't do that.” Gwen chided softly. “I’m just Gwen.”

Leon studied her and Gwen curled in slightly at the intense gaze. She could never keep anything from Leon. “I’m scared.”

“We all are, Gwen. We just have to believe that everything will turn out alright.”

Gwen chewed on her lip. “Was I a good queen?”

“I could think of no one better fit to be a queen of Camelot.”

“Where is Camelot? It’s probably fallen.” Gwen blinked rapidly. Though all the chaos of the past month, it never occurred to her that the kingdom she once led was gone. Camelot was gone. Her home. And her family along with it. Her child. Leon’s child.

Leon clasped a hand over Gwen’s. “Camelot prospered for as long as it could. I'm sure that it had a dignified end.”

“Ambrosius Pendragon was a great king. I only hope he finally found his way. He was always a troubled young man. I’m sure he got that from you.”

Leon let out a small laugh. “From me? Are you sure? Did he finally win Evaine’s affections?”

Gwen smiled. “Not that I know of. I’m afraid I wasn’t a very good mother. Seeing how the only reason he came to be was to be king, I guess it makes sense. Hopefully, he found love in the end. I didn’t live to see it though.”

Leon pursed his lips. “Merlin did. He’ll tell us, yeah? There might be some kids running around who have our blood running through their veins.”

Gwen winced at the thought. “That’s… disconcerting.” 

Leon’s lips twitched. “Does Arthur know? Better yet, does Lancelot know?”

“Ugh, no.” Gwen groaned, dropping her head in her hands. “Arthur asked me about what came of Camelot and I said I died before I knew.”

Leon nudged Gwen lightly. “You have to tell him at some point. I doubt he wants to find out through Merlin. That would be embarrassing.”

Gwen snorted. “That would be less embarrassing than me telling Arthur that Camelot’s heir was your child as much as it was mine.”

“What?”

Gwen and Leon jumped at the voice twisted around to see Lancelot there, gaping at the two of them. 

“The next king was Leon’s child? You slept with Leon?” Lancelot’s voice went high and the door suddenly opened for Gwaine to peek in.

“Who slept with Leon?”

Gwen thumped her head against Leon’s shoulder. “Shit.”

Gwaine laughed. “Oh, I can’t believe this. It seems like Gwen’s got a game. She slept half of the guys here?”

“Who slept with half the guys here?” Morgana strode through the side door and Gwen cursed. Was everyone just waiting to join in the conversation?

“Our very own Guinevere.” Gwaine shot her a wink. “Care to add one more to the list?”

Gwaine was suddenly shoved out of the room, followed by Percival. “What the hell, Gwaine?”

Morgana suddenly smirked and Gwen’s mouth dropped open. “Don’t you dare, Morgana.”

“Don’t forget about how she slept with all the girls here. Excluding herself, of course. I mean, actually–” 

“Wait, hold up. You slept with Leon and Morgana?” Lancelot asked, looking horrified.

Gwaine leaned over and swung open the front door, calling out. “Oi, Princess. Are you hearing this?”

Gwen threw her hands up. “Oh my god.”

Arthur came jogging in, his hair matted with sweat from the laps he had been doing outside. He was apparently afraid he'd lose his abs, which was ridiculous is Gwen’s opinion. They all knew Arthur exercised when he was stressed. “What’s up?”

Gwen shot up. “Nothing. Nothing is up. Jesus, can a girl have a private conversation?”

Gwaine laughed. “How the hell did I not know this? I thought we told each other everything—”

“Shut it, Gwaine.” Gwen snapped. She latched onto Arthur’s arm, shoving him out. “Let’s go, Arthur.”

Arthur sputtered but let Gwen slam the door shut. “What is going on?”

Gwen scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Nothing. They’re just being nosy.”

Arthur laughed. “That’s not surprising. Are you okay? They didn’t cross a line or anything right?”

“No. No. They were just shocked because I slept with Leon.”

Arthur’s feet stilled beneath him. “You what?”

“Oh, don't talk. You’re the one who got drunk and slept with Merlin.”

Arthur gasped. “Did Morgana tell you?”

“Gwaine, actually. He figured it out quite easily.” Gwen smirked. “Besides, I only slept with Leon to give Camelot an heir. It was nothing more than that.”

Arthur nodded slowly. “Oh. Girl or boy?”

“Boy. Ambrosius Pendragon.”

Arthur wrinkled his nose. “Ambrosius? That was the best you could come up with?”

Gwen shoved Arthur. “Don’t be mean. Merlin named him. It was a family name or something.”

Arthur sobered up at the mention of Merlin. “Do you think Elyan will convince him? If I were him, I would never go to a lake with a bunch of strangers.”

“We’re not strangers, though. He would’ve left a while back if we were. There’s a part of him that remembers us. I know that. We just have to find it.”

Arthur locked eyes with Gwen, his gaze uncertain. “Yeah. We just have to find it.”

Gwen smiled softly. “You have to find it. And you will.”

_\--0-o-0--_

Merlin knocked on the door again, glancing at the sign to make sure he was at the right place. He rocked back on his heels and contemplated knocking once more when the door swung up revealing Morgana. She gave him a nervous smile. “Hey.”

Merlin mirrored the look and adjusted the bag on his shoulder. “Hi. Um, I wanted to apologize for last time. At the shop? I was just caught off guard and–”

Morgana waved him off. “Oh, don’t. It’s fine. I understand. I didn’t think you would take up Elyan’s offer.”

“Me either. But here I am. Are you guys ready? We should leave soon if we want to get there before lunch. I have food and everything so don’t worry about that”

Morgana pushed the door open further. “Yeah. We’re ready.”

There was a loud thud and suddenly a man popped into view. “Merls! Hey, how-how are you?”

Merlin backed up, scrutinizing the familiar man. “Lancelot was it?”

He frowned. “Gwaine, actually. Lancelot inside. I’m your favorite though, right?”

A woman came up behind Gwaine and smacked him across the head. “Ignore him, Merlin. I’m Gwen. I don’t know if you remember me but I was here last time you came.”

Merlin took her hand, instantly relaxed by the warm smile that spread across her face. “Gwen. I remember you.”

Gwen pulled another man into view. “This is Lancelot, my boyfriend.”

Gwen went on to introduce the others but if Merlin was being honest, he lost track after Leon, who was either the tall burly one or the red-head. Merlin backed away as they poured out and he couldn’t help asking. “Where’s Arthur?”

A teasing smile spread across Gwaine’s face and Merlin instantly regretted asking. “Why? Do you miss him? He had a meltdown yesterday, you know? Apparently, the two of you got way more comfortable–”

“Do you ever shut up, Gwaine?” A voice groaned and Merlin caught sight of a golden head near the back of the group. Arthur made his way to Merlin and shoved Gwaine aside. “Merlin. Hey.”

Merlin looked up and—Jesus. He would never get used to this bloke's face. “Arthur. Did you sleep well last night?”

“Probably not as well as the night before but he slept fine.” Gwaine gave an over-exaggerated wink and Merlin felt his face heat up.

“Ignore him. He’s an idiot. I slept fine. How about you?” Arthur gave an anxious smile.

Merlin started to wonder if it was normal to tell people to ignore Gwaine. Judging by what Merlin knew of the man, he wouldn’t have been surprised. “It was good. Um, I admit was going to back out and sleep in but I—” Merlin scuffed the toe of his boot into the ground. “The lake is a beautiful site and who am I to deprive that of you all?”

Arthur smiled and Merlin was instantly endearing by the slight crookedness of his teeth. “Thanks for coming. Really. It means the world to us. I can’t wait to get to know you.”

“Yeah. Likewise.”

A silence fell over the two of them and honestly, Merlin could have stood there for eternity, staring at Arthur and he wouldn’t have realized.

“Ok.” Morgana pushed through them. “You would think them sleeping together would fix the unresolved sexual tension.”

Merlin choked on his spit. “What–?”

“We would like to be there before noon, so are we ready?” Morgana asked, watching Merlin with hawk eyes.

Arthur cleared his throat, looking away. “Yeah. Merlin?”

Merlin dug his fingernails into his palm and forced himself to meet Morgana’s gaze. There was a type of curiosity in her eyes and he could also see the excitement that scared Merlin in a way that it shouldn’t. Morgana arched an eyebrow when Merlin didn’t respond and her lips twitched with amusement.

“Earth to Merlin? Are you there?”

Merlin looked away, sucking in a breath, startled by the sudden tension in the air. “Yeah.” 

He glanced up at Gwaine, who had quickly calmed down, watching Merlin inquiringly. Curiously. Like everyone else was. Gwaine tilted his head to the side, studying him with more intent than Merlin was comfortable with. 

Merlin adjudged the strap of his bag and tilted his chin up, suddenly feeling like he was in the middle of a game he didn’t understand. A game he shouldn’t even be aware he was a part of. Merlin met Gwaine’s gaze head-on, satisfied when he startled slightly at the intense look in his eyes. “Let’s go.”

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh, we're almost there, folks. This was a bit of a shorter chapter and nothing much happened but the next chapter is when things will start picking up a bit. 
> 
> I just love writing Merlin falling back in love with Arthur because he hasn't been in a relationship in like years so when he looks at Arthur and is like 'what are these feelings' it's funny cause he's so confused. And also sad because, you know. I'm trying not to rush Morgana's plotline since I want her to still be angry and others to not trust her but for them to have a mutual truce type thing going on.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. We have some merthur bonding coming up as well as merlin bonding with the other knights. Morgana's still wary but she'll come around. Healthy Holidays and stay safe <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin watched as Arthur made his way to the water, his gaze filled with awe. A bitter part of Merlin hated the fact he’d forgotten the first time he came. Forgotten that feeling of pure astonishment at seeing the lake for the first time.
> 
> Merlin smiled as Arthur ran his fingers over the water’s surface. He was aware he probably looked like a love-struck idiot but honestly, the man was so much more adorable than his demeanor let on. Kind of like an awed child. And it instantly made the entire trip worth it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

“No, no. Not like that. You can switch the camera and then you can see yourself.” Merlin reached over and gently flipped the phone that was in Gwen’s grip. He switched the camera and Gwen gasped as her own face filled the screen.

“Oh my god. It’s like a mirror.” Gwen dragged her finger over the screen, awed.

Merlin laughed softly and adjusted her grip so it was at the right angle to capture both Merlin and Gwen. “It’s called a selfie. Smile.”

Merlin tilted his head against her and quirked a small smile, perfectly capturing Gwen mid-laugh. He pulled the phone down and swiped up to his camera roll. “There. It’s a picture.”

Gwen frowned. “What’s it for?”

“Just for the memories. You know, so you can look back and see what you were doing and it’s a way of recording your life so you don’t forget.”

Gwen scrolled up and saw more pictures of Merlin and the Coffee Shop and the other barista, Rowan. Merlin quickly scrolled back down, grabbing the phone. “Yeah, it’s just for fun.”

Gwen offered a small smile. “So you don’t forget me?”

Merlin winked. “I doubt I could ever forget you, Gwen.”

She swallowed down the surge of bitterness in her throat and forced a smile. “I’m sure.”

They were trekking through the forest through a back path that Merlin said was a faster way to get to the lake. The sun was high in the sky and danced through the leaves and branches that towered around them. 

Gwaine suddenly swooped over and pressed himself to Merlin’s side. “Can we take a selfie? It would be a shame if my face wasn’t in your memories.”

Merlin snorted and sped up a bit to catch up with Gwaine. Gwen fell back into step with Elyan, who was near the back of the group. His hands were tucked in his pockets and his eyes were locked on the trail before them. Gwen nudged him. “Hey. What’s up?”

Elyan glanced up, startled. “What? Nothing.”

She tilted her head. “No? Because it looks like you’re jealous that we’re stealing Merlin from you.”

Elyan scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous, Gwen. You’re not stealing him.”

“Then why the hell are you hanging back here like we are? I know you guys weren’t as close in Camelot but once Merlin gets his memory back, he’s not going to abandon you. I promise.”

Elyan glanced up and met Gwen’s gaze. “That’s a hefty promise.”

Gwen shrugged. “It’s Merlin. When has he ever let us down?”

-~-~-~-

Lancelot watched as Merlin burst into peals of laughter, trying to take his phone back from Gwaine, who was dangling it just out of reach. 

“Cute, are they? I always thought that if he didn’t get with Arthur, these two would’ve been just as revolting.” 

Lancelot shot Morgana a sideways look. “Don’t let Percival hear you say that.”

Morgana let out a sigh, her face relaxed in the light breeze. Lancelot didn’t think she’d ever seen her look so content. So carefree.

“You look comfortable.”

Morgana snorted softly. “Do I? I lived in a hovel in the middle of the forest for a good couple of years. It feels like home.”

Lancelot furrowed his eyebrows, watching as Morgana ran her fingers across the barks of trees when they passed. “I will never understand you, Morgana.”

“Lot of people say that. I’m not sure why, though. I’m as straightforward as they come.” 

Lancelot rolled his eyes. “Of course.”

The two walked in silence until Morgana finally spoke up. “When did you know? About Merlin’s magic?”

“When I first came to Camelot. With the griffin and all. I didn’t do anything really. Merlin defeated it and I got the credit.”

Morgana glanced up. “He told you the first time you came?”

Realization dawned on Lancelot. “He never told me, Morgana. I caught him. He got a bit careless. Or rather, I was just more observant. He didn’t voluntarily tell me. As far as I know, the only person he’s actually told, rather than them just finding out, is Arthur.”

Morgana frowned. “Arthur? He hadn’t told anyone else.”

“Nope. His mother obviously knew but for me and Gauis, we found out because he saved our lives. I’m pretty sure he didn’t even tell his childhood friend. They just caught him.”

Morgana fell silent. Lancelot could almost see the gears whirling in her mind and he couldn’t resist speaking up again. “Don’t think that you were the odd one out. He told no one. And you can’t use your own magic as an excuse to feel betrayed.”

“Why can’t I? So what if you all didn’t have any use of the knowledge? I thought I was going crazy. He could’ve helped me. He could’ve told me.”

“You’re right. He could’ve. And maybe if he did, things would’ve turned out different. But he didn’t. And that’s his own decision. You weren’t the only one terrified. It’s not just your life on the line.” Lancelot spoke, using all his willpower to keep his voice soft.

“What did he think I was going to do? Turn him in? Get him executed for trying to help me? Who the hell did he think I was?”

“The king’s ward. One wrong move, Merlin’s life is gone. You, on the other hand, were one of the only people who could’ve survived Uther’s wrath.”

Morgana gave a bitter laugh. “Don’t be stupid, Lancelot. If Uther knew he wouldn’t have hesitated to kill me.”

“If you truly think that then I’m not the stupid one here.” Lancelot retorted, quickened his pace a bit.

Morgana didn’t try to catch up, falling back. 

-~-~-~-

“Nice day out, right?”

Merlin jumped, twisting around to see Leon, who had easily fallen into step beside him. After Percival came to steal Gwaine away, Leon saw his chance to talk to Merlin.

“Yeah. It might be a bit hot for me though.” Merlin replied, giving Leon an easy smile.

“I wanted to thank you,” Leon said. “for coming out with us. Really, it means a lot. We’re kind of clueless if you hadn’t realized.”

Merlin laughed. “Of course. The lake is really beautiful and it’s a shame that most people never get to see it.”

Leon and Merlin weren’t the closest before Arthur had died but after Camlann and after Percival had fallen prey to disease in his forties, Leon and Merlin had quickly bonded over their losses. Merlin had opened up about his father and his past lover. Throughout the years that the two have known each other, he’d rarely seen Merlin relax and simply be. Even through his easy laughs and banters, there was this darkness in his eyes that Leon never saw leave. 

And he knew that even when Leon was in his seventies and nearing his death, Merlin still wasn’t telling him everything. He was still keeping secrets. Merlin didn’t even tell Leon and Gwen that he was immortal just a few weeks before Leon had died. Merlin was aging along with them but when Leon caught Merlin one morning looking like he had just arrived in Camelot all those years ago, he had a sudden whiplash to the past.

Now, that tension was still there. Secrets lurking in his eyes and Leon only prayed that maybe, once Merlin was back for good, he would let go and relax and lower his guard.

“How many times have you been?”

Merlin hummed, looking up at the sky. “A couple of times. There’s this energy about the place, you know. It makes you feel alive and the most amazing feeling.”

Leon watched as Merlin closed his eyes and bathed in the golden light. As if sensing his gaze, his eyes cracked open, and stared back at Leon.

Leon forced a smile, his mood dampened for a reason he didn’t quite understand. “I can’t wait to see it.”

Merlin tore his gaze from Leon as the trees melted into a familiar pattern. “We’re almost there. Just through these bushes.” 

He sped up and moved to the front of the group, where Arthur was walking alone. With a breath of courage, he grabbed Arthur’s hand and pulled him forward. “Come on. It’s the most beautiful sight.”

Arthur jerked at the sudden movement but went along willingly. his fingers unconsciously squeezing Merlin’s. Merlin pushed through the last few branches and pulled them back to reveal the clearing. 

They had arrived at the opposite side of where Arthur and the rest had risen. From here, you couldn’t hear the noise of traffic or people. All that was there was the birds chirping and the gentle laps of water against the shore. The island that Arthur knew was there was hidden behind the curves of the lake so all he could see was the rising mountains that cast a light shadow over the shore.

Gwen gasped softly, moving forward. “It’s beautiful.”

Merlin smiled. “Most people come to see from the street view but this one is a million times better. There is an island, which is the only thing you can’t see from here. Morgana, you saw in my sketchbook remember? That was the street view.”

Arthur stepped forward, forgetting that his hand was still in Merlin’s when he followed. Arthur let go, his face flushing with heat. He made his way down and hesitantly stepped onto the wet dirt and sand. He crouched down and ran his fingers over the water, mesmerized by the way it rippled beneath his fingertips.

Merlin watched as Arthur made his way to the water, his gaze filled with awe. A bitter part of Merlin hated the fact he’d forgotten the first time he came. Forgotten that feeling of pure astonishment at seeing the lake for the first time.

Merlin smiled as Arthur ran his fingers over the water’s surface. He was aware he probably looked like a love-struck idiot but honestly, the man was so much more adorable than his demeanor let on. Kind of like an awed child. And it instantly made the entire trip worth it. 

He stepped down to where Arthur was and removed his shoes, sinking his feet into the wet sand. Arthur, seeing Merlin, did the same and climbed up onto a small rock so just his feet would be immersed in the water.

“It’s nice, right?”

Arthur smiled, taking Merlin’s breath away. “Yeah. The water’s the perfect temperature.”

Merlin crouched down to scoop a handful of water and watched it filter through his fingers, leaving a couple of small pebbles and dirt in his palm. He reached back to cup another handful to find the water was already rippling.

The gentle waves of the water had shifted and surged forward to completely engulf Merlin’s feet. He stumbled back, shocked. Arthur blinked at the water, noticing the change as well. “Um, what is that?”

Merlin’s eyes focused on what looked like a mini whirlpool that spun out waves of water. “There are only small fish in the lake. I have no idea what that is.”

The other started to come down as the water swelled as if something beneath it ached to break the surface. Merlin took a step forward, something in his chest throbbing. His vision blurred at the edges and he suddenly felt like he’d gotten up too quickly and the world was threatening to topple in on itself.

“Oh my god,” Morgana whispered and Merlin jerked. He hadn’t realized how close she had gotten. “That’s definitely not a fish. Or an animal.”

Gwen was suddenly at his other side, a comforting hand on his shoulder. “That looks like—”

Gwen broke off as the figure rose, water pouring off it as it was made of the liquid itself. In a flash, the world went blindingly clear, as if everything had just gotten into focus. 

The figure looked up. Long, dripping dark hair fell past her shoulders and her eyes were warm and filled Merlin with a type of heat he didn’t recognize. She was clad in white silk that wrapped around her like an extension of her skin and seemed to float across the water as she neared closer to Merlin. He couldn’t help but think that she looked like a goddess.

Every coherent thought his mind instantly vanished as she slipped onto the ground, her eyes locking with his. She moved forward and though every single part of Merlin told him to push back, it seemed like the ground beneath him was quicksand and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t move. 

The goddess reached up and cupped his jaw, ever so gently. The touch sent all the tension in him melting like ice on a hot day. The world around him disappeared and all he could see was her soft, heart-shaped face and eyes filled with an emotion he couldn't place for the life of him.

She leaned close and pressed her forehead to his. An aroma of salt and strawberries and roses wafted over Merlin and the scent, though odd, felt like home. Her skin was dry as if the water had evaporated the moment she broke the surface of the lake. There were flecks of dirt and sand on her nose and Merlin had the sudden urge to wipe it away. The small imperfection broke the image of the perfect goddess Merlin had thought she was, but for some reason, it only pulled him in further.

The pads of her fingers swiped over his cheekbone and a watery smile curled at her lips. Her eyes were fond and ever so soft. Her voice instantly smoothed over the jagged edges of his mind and was the only thing he could hear over the waves in his ears. And though Merlin couldn’t tell who she was or why she was here or what she meant to him, he was gone the moment their eyes locked.

_“Merlin, my love.”_

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this didn't disappoint! comment and kudos if you enjoyed :) happy holidays and stay safe and healthy <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freya let out a heavy sigh. “You don’t understand, do you? He’s been alive for so long. Longer than you can even fathom. He’s lived hundreds of thousands of lives and has met hundreds of thousands of people. He may be immortal, but he’s still human. He’s a rock and the waves keep passing by in a blink of an eye. You’re not special, Arthur.”
> 
> “He thinks of himself as lonely. He tries his hardest to not get close to people. But this is Merlin. He can’t not make friends and live in other people's lives. But at the end of the day, he leaves. And he forgets. His life in Camelot was just the first of many.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

Arthur watched as the woman whispered something to Merlin. And though her voice was soft, he could hear her perfectly.

“Merlin, my love.”

An instant rush of jealousy surged through him that he had to shove down before he jumped and yanked Merlin away from this strange lady. Something about her was familiar, though. Like a stranger Arthur had met so long ago.

Merlin’s eyes were focused on her and he looked close to falling over from the rush. She pulled away and curled her fingers around Merlin’s wrists for a second before backing up completely to face Arthur. She lowered her head in a sign of respect. “The Once and Future King. Last I saw you, you were merely a simple prince. I doubt you remember me.”

Arthur took a careful step forward. “You look awfully familiar. I don’t think I knew any lake goddesses though.”

The woman laughed and Arthur had to admit that she was beautiful. But he still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Merlin was her love. When the hell did Merlin fall in love with a goddess?

“I’m not a goddess. You met me before I became the Guardian of Avalon. You freed me from my curse. Killed me so that I could truly live.”

Arthur blinked. “What?”

Gwaine stepped forward, starling Arthur, who hadn’t realized he was there. “My lady.” He dropped into an over-exaggerated bow and pressed a light kiss to her fingers. “It’s an absolute pleasure to meet you.”

Percival yanked Gwaine back. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I don’t know. She rose from the lake. I don't want to piss her off.” Gwaine mumbled.

Arthur cleared his throat. “What’s your name?”

She smiled. “I’m Freya.”

_Freya._

Merlin gasped at the name. “Freya?”

He’d lost any sense of what was real the moment she rose from the lake but the name struck a chord in Merlin. So familiar but foreign at the same time.

The woman, Freya, turned back to Merlin. It seemed like everything in his mind was going a million miles per hour because on one hand, why the hell was a strange lady rising from a lake but on the other hand, _he knew her_.

“Merlin. I don’t think you remember me either.” She took a careful step forward, suddenly looking painfully young. “Your king might have freed me from my curse, but it was you who showed me how to live. How to love.”

Merlin took an unconscious step back. “Ok. These things only happen in my dreams so—”

“Those aren’t dreams, Merlin. They’re memories.”

Merlin blinked. “What?”

Gwen was suddenly rushing forward, pushing Merlin back. ”Can you help us? You’re a friend of Merlin’s right?”

“Of course Merlin has a lake goddess friend. What doesn’t he have?" Arthur muttered under his breath.

Gwen shot him a dirty look before giving her attention to Freya. “He doesn’t remember any of us. You can help us, right?”

“I can do very little, my queen. This isn’t the first time he’s been at my shores. This isn’t the first time I’ve talked to him.” Freya's gaze drifted to Merlin, who looked close to passing out.

Arthur stepped forward. “This isn't the first time?”

“Merlin comes here a few times every year. I can always feel his presence whenever he arrives. And of course, I could feel yours. I am, after all, the one who let you come back.”

“Does he not remember the other times saw you? What is wrong with him?” Arthur stared, dumbfounded, as Merlin settled onto the ground, indifferent to the water that lapped at his hips with every wave.

Freya let out a heavy sigh. “You don’t understand, do you? He’s been alive for so long. Longer than you can even fathom. He’s lived hundreds of thousands of lives and has met hundreds of thousands of people. He may be immortal, but he’s still human. He’s a rock and the waves keep passing by in a blink of an eye. You’re not special, Arthur.”

Merlin flopped onto his back, the water soaking through his pants and his hair dusted with sand. 

“He thinks of himself as lonely. He tries his hardest to not get close to people. But this is Merlin. He can’t not make friends and live in other people's lives. But at the end of the day, he leaves. And he forgets. His life in Camelot was just the first of many.”

Arthur shook his head. “But— he’s Merlin. He has magic and he’s supposed to know us. His first life is the only one that matters. He stayed here to wait for me. Because he knew that I’d come when Albion’s need was greatest.”

Freya raised an eyebrow. “Did he? Tell me, my lord. What is Albion? What’s its need? Why are you here?”

Arthur's mouth dropped open and he stammered through his fumbled thoughts. “That’s why we need Merlin. He’ll tell us.”

“And why would Merlin know? He can’t even remember you. What makes you think he’ll know what to do?”

“He’s Merlin. He always knows. He has to know. He has his magic and—and-” Arthur broke off, frustrated. “So what? Merlin just lives a bunch of useless lives for the rest of eternity?”

“I never said he was beyond remembering. I’m only asking you why you’re here. I’m only explaining what Merlin is going through. He thinks this is a dream. He always does. He might act normal most of the time, but he’s broken, Arthur. You can’t live for hundreds upon hundreds of years and come out sane,” Freya said, her eyes etched with a type of sadness that Arthur couldn’t fathom.

Arthur swallowed and looked back at Merlin for a moment. His eyes had shut and if Arthur didn’t know better, he would think Merlin had simply fallen asleep. Maybe Arthur didn’t know better. “Does he know? He has to know that he’s immortal. That he’s not normal.”

“Of course he knows. It’s just not in the way you think.” 

Arthur sighed and tugged at his hair. “So what? What do I do? I came here hoping that– I don't even know. I thought the lake would do something. And now—” Arthur paused. “I don’t know what to do,” Arthur admitted, hating the fact that he felt completely useless.

Freya tilted her head to the side. “I can’t help you. Merlin’s come here many times and he hasn’t remembered anything. That’s not going to change just because you’re now by his side.”

Arthur pressed his lips together, suddenly angry. “So why are you here?”

“Why are you here?”

“I already told you that.”

Freya’s lips turned up slightly. “Care to refresh my memory?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been told that I rose because Albion's need was greatest. And now I have to figure out what Albion is and what I’m doing here.” 

“That’s why you want Merlin back.”

“Yes.” Arthur snapped. “What don’t you understand?”

Freya just met Arthur's gaze with calm eyes. “Maybe that’s your problem. You don't know why you want Merlin back.”

“I just—” Arthur groaned and turned away.

Gwen was there in an instant, gripping Arthur’s bicep. “We need Merlin back. He’s our best friend. And there are so many things that we don’t understand that I know for a fact Merlin once knew. Merlin was the core of Camelot. We need him.”

Freya looked almost disappointed at Gwen’s response. “You need him? You don’t think he’s done enough for you? After so many years, you think you have the right to come here and demand to have Merlin back?”

“We’re not demanding anything. What are we supposed to do, Freya? Do you not want Merlin to remember?”

Freya stared at Gwen before glancing back at Merlin, who’d miraculously fallen asleep, obvious to the water seeping through his lower half. “You have no idea how many times I’ve tried to get Merlin to remember. I’ve come to accept it. It’s not fair of me anyway. You might think that you know what Merlin’s gone through, but you don’t know half of it. He’s been through so much. He’s suffered so much at the hands of so many people. At the hands of Morgana and the druids, and even all of you.” Freya turned to Arthur. “You might not have realized it, Arthur Pendragon, but you caused Merlin more suffering than anyone I can name.”

Arthur was silent, staring at Freya with wide eyes. Gwen took in a breath, trying to calm her pattering heart. The rest of the group didn’t seem to have anything to say either. Until Morgana stepped in front of Gwen. “Merlin is not the only one who has suffered. I won’t pretend to know who you are, but I’ve gone through shit as well. Letting Merlin roam around aimlessly for eternity isn’t going to help him. It isn’t going to give him peace. You said it yourself. He’s broken. He’s crazy. He fell asleep with his body half in a lake, clearly, he’s not fine. But—”

Freya pursed her lips. “But what? You think you can help him? Do you think that if you bring back all of his memories, then he can have peace of mind? Well, you never fail to surprise me, Morgana. Are you doing this so Merlin can be happy, or for yourself?”

Morgana locked eyes with Freya, her eyes daring. “Why can’t it be both?”

Freya didn’t break the stare as she tilted her head just slightly to the left. “You really want to give Merlin happiness again? After everything, that’s your goal? Forgive me, if I find that a little hard to believe.”

Morgana scoffed. “Who are you? The lake’s guardian or Merlin’s?”

“I was in love with Merlin. At least, the Merlin he was so long ago. Right when we first met. He was the most lively, painfully naive boy I knew. And I fell instantly.” Freya took a step forward, crowding in Morgana’s space. “He saved me. And he’ll always have a special place in my heart. I know the things that you’ve done, Morgana. I know what kind of man you forced Merlin to become. And I’ll be damned if I let you do it again.”

Morgana raised her chin. “You can’t make me blame myself for the person I became, and also blame me for Merlin. Merlin made his own decisions and carved his own path. That had nothing to do with me. I’m not stupid, Freya. I knew the man you fell in love with. I nearly fell in love with him myself if I’m being honest with you.”

“Is this supposed to make me believe that you have good intentions?”

“I died. And believe it or not, that changed some things. For one, I no longer have magic. There’s no Camelot to take over and no throne to steal. There are no laws to change and no traitors to kill. It took me a while to come to terms with it. And while I might have once wanted the worst for Merlin, and while I really don’t regret anything I did to him, there’s nothing left for me to do. I have no power.” Morgana’s voice was low and steady.

Freya took a slow step back, searching Morgana’s face carefully. “Merlin asked me to bring you back when the time was right, you know that right? He specifically told me. He wanted Arthur back and Gwen back and all his friends back. And he wanted you back. Do you know why?”

“I assume it’s for some noble reason like making amends with me. He always did blame himself for what I became.”

Freya furrowed her eyebrows. “You knew that? Do you agree with him?”

Morgana hesitated, glancing at Arthur for a second before looking back at Freya. “I don’t know. I hate to say it, but I really don’t know. I don't know what went through Merlin’s head half the time and why he made certain decisions. I don’t know if he ever did care for me or if it was really all just a lie. I truly have no idea. And that’s why I have to talk to Merlin. For both of us to understand. All my life, I spent fighting and trying to get one step ahead of him and I never stopped to actually talk to him. And now I have a chance. What kind of person would I be if I didn't take it.”

Freya gave a bitter smile. “You’re a bit late. I don’t trust you, Morgana. I don’t. And if you want to get Merlin back, I can’t help you. But I’m willing to give you a chance. You’re right. This is a second chance. To make things right. And I don't know what it was that got it through your thick skull, but I’m glad that you're willing to do just that.”

Morgana mirrored the smile. “I don't know what it was either. I might have been one of the many rants that Gwen has given me. Or maybe, over the past couple of weeks, I got to know the other side of things just a little bit better. Not to say I regret my decisions because I don’t.”

Freya laughed. “I wouldn’t expect you to flip all that quick. You’re a clever girl. I’m sure you’ll find a way to bring him back. But you can’t do it alone. And if you do get him back, and you fuck things up, I will kill you. Don’t test me.”

Merlin couldn’t resist the twinge of hope in her chest. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

Freya gave Morgana another assessing look before turning to face Arthur again. His jaw was slack and he seemed completely baffled by the turn of events. “Merlin will explain most of it, but you really have no idea of things you put him through. Consciously or unconsciously. But know this, Arthur. Everything that he’s ever done was for you. To make you happy and to make you a better king and to help you better protect your people. I realize that I no longer have a place in Merlin’s heart. You pushed me out.” Freya’s lips curled bitterly. “I know you can make him happy. And you better.”

Arthur sucked in a breath. “I know. I can’t pretend to know what all Merlin’s done but this is different. I don't need anything from him. I just want him to be happy. For him to finally, for once, think about himself. I’m not sure how to get him back, though.”

Freya looked at Merlin. “I think you know. You’ve tried a bunch. With multiple people. Maybe it’s time that you try together. I think you know what to do. It’s in your heart.”

Arthur dug his tongue into his cheek. “Thanks. That didn’t help me at all.”

Freya gave a soft snort. “Oh, and for future reference, when I said that you killed me so I could live? I was the Bastet. And I know your memory might not be all that great, but I’m sure you’ll remember. Just letting you know so that you don’t act like a fool.”

Arthur glanced down at Merlin before looking back up at Freya. “I won’t let you down.”

Freya’s eyes twinkled as she backed up onto the water again. “I know you won’t. I’ll see you soon, Arthur Pendragon. And hopefully, Merlin will be at your side.” And she melted back into the water before Arthur could respond.

“Jeez. I wish I could melt into the water to escape a situation.” Gwaine mumbled under his breath.

Arthur shot him a look. “Ok. Now what?”

-~-~-~-

Percival crouched near Merlin. He easily scooped him bridal style and made his way over to a sunny patch of grass, right near the forest behind them. “Jesus, he’s soaking. What do we do?”

Gwaine collapsed onto the ground and threw his head back, sunbathing. “I don’t know. The lake goddess person was absolutely no help.”

“It’s in my heart?” Arthur mused to himself. “What does that mean?”

Gwaine suddenly sat up. “I got it! What if it’s like a true love's kiss scenario?”

Arthur blinked. “You want me to kiss Merlin?”

Leon scoffed. “How would that work? They literally slept together, dumbass. They’ve already kissed.”

“Yeah, but they were both drunk,” Gwaine said. “I doubt they remember so it’s basically useless.”

Arthur raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

Leon let out an incredulous laugh, startling everyone. “You don’t think that’s how it works? We have no idea what anything is. Merlin’s dead girlfriend comes to us saying that he’s broken and crazy and we have to work together to get him back. None of us know what’s going on or what to do.”

A layer of hopelessness settled over the group. Morgana climbed back down to the shore and stepped into the water. “Freya has to help us.”

“She said she couldn’t do anything,” Percival said, flopping back onto the ground.

“She said that she couldn’t do anything to help get Merlin back.” Morgana turned around, facing Arthur. “She never said anything about helping us to go get Merlin back.”

Gwaine raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry what the actual fuck does that mean?”

Morgana turned back to the lake, her eyebrows furrowed in thought. “Just...trust me. That’s the only way we can do this. Together.”

_\--0-o-0--_

Merlin cracked his eyes open and immediately shut them against when the sun shone right onto him. The ground was hard and dry beneath him and his pants were sticking to his skin uncomfortably. Merlin slowly sat up to find himself laying on a grassy patch a few dozen feet from the lake. 

“Merlin.”

Elyan came jogging over, an easy smile on his face. “You’re awake.”

Merlin pinched his cheek to make sure he was actually awake. “Oh, crap. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. What happened?”

Elyan crouched down beside him. “What do you last remember?”

“We came here, and Arthur and I were at the shore and—” Merlin trailed off, wrinkling his nose. “I guess I just fell asleep.”

If Merlin was being honest, he felt like he’d been dragged through fifteen acres of mud and then thrown into the sun to dry. Elyan looked almost disappointed at his answer. 

_Your king might have freed me from my curse, but it was you who showed me how to live. How to love._

Merlin groaned and rubbed his eyes. “Sorry. I just had a crazy dream.”

_Those aren’t dreams, Merlin. They’re memories._

Elyan leaned forward, curious. “What dream?”

Merlin tried to think back to the white silk and the strawberries and the sudden feeling of comfort but he couldn't quite pin down what it was. “I don’t really remember.”

Elyan hesitated as if debating whether to say something or not. “Do you know someone named Freya?”

Merlin tilted his head. “Freya?” Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew. I called him, pleaded with him to listen. But it wasn’t tangible enough thought for Merlin to understand. “I don’t think so.”

Elyan let out a soft breath. “Of course. Um, I was wondering. You were saying how there was an island on this lake.”

“Yeah. The Isle of Avalon. You can see it from the street view but not from here.”

Elyan nodded. “Right. Is there any way for us to get there?”

Merlin winced. “Oh no. It’s impossible. Many people have tried but, none of them made it. It’s some weird phenomenon. It’s not a good idea to go there. Where are the others?”

“They’re by the shore. So—”

“I’m actually starving. I brought sandwiches if you guys want to eat.” Merlin sat up, pressing his palm to the side of his head.

Elyan stood up, offering a hand to Merlin, who gladly took it. “Yeah. Sure. Come on.”

The two quickly made their way down the group. Merlin settled himself between Arthur and Gwaine, apologizing for falling asleep. Elyan dropped a hand on Gwen's shoulder and lowered himself into a crouch. “He doesn’t remember anything. Apparently, no one’s ever made it to the Isle. It’s impossible.”

Morgana, who was beside Gwen, managed to catch Elyan whispered words and leaned over. “So we need Freya. It’s her lake. If anyone can get us across, it’s her.”

“Would she really help us? How do we even know this will work?” Elyan asked, meeting Morgana’s gaze.

Morgana blew out a breath. “We don’t. But I have an idea. Just trust me.”

“Excuse me if I’m not really comfortable with that,” Elyan muttered and settled down onto the ground.

“Yeah, I’ve been here a couple of times and it’s always a bit tiring. I’m not sure why though.” Merlin said as Elyan sat down. “It’s just something about the lake and its waters and—” Merlin trailed off, a faraway look in his eyes. 

Elyan vaguely wondered how he never noticed that Merlin always seemed like he was half-asleep. Maybe that was why he was less tense all the time. Because over the years, he’s lost sense of what was real and what was not. And Elyan was ashamed that he didn’t notice it. Then again, he was never good at reading the man to begin with. 

Arthur’s hand slipped around to grasp Merlin’s arm. “We get it.”

Arthur glanced up to meet Elyan’s eyes and Elyan could see the disappointment in his eyes when he shook his head ever so slightly. Arthur pursed his lips and looked at Morgana.

Morgana leaned forward. “So, Merlin. We were wondering—”

“I’m actually starving. Are you guys hungry?” Merlin interrupted, grabbing his back to take out some wrapped sandwiches. “I have some plain peanut butter and jelly and some veggies. I wasn’t sure if you guys ate meat so it’s all vegan.”

Morgana blinked, startled by the interruption. “Uh, yeah. That’s cool. I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”

Merlin gave Morgana a tight smile. “Ok. You guys can eat. I promised to call Rowan so I’ll be back in a bit.” Before Morgana could reply, Merlin had disappeared off to walk across the shoreline, a couple of dozen feet away.

Arthur frowned. “He seemed eager to get away.”

Elyan huffed out a breath. “He doesn’t remember anything. I asked him about the Isle and he said it was impossible to get to.”

“It is to mere mortals,” Morgana said, unwrapping one of the sandwiches. “But Merlin’s not mortal. And neither is Freya.”

“You really think Freya can get us across? What’s so special on that island anyway?”

“The details are fuzzy, but I heard of the prophecy. I think Merlin was supposed to bring Arthur to the island so that he could heal from his injuries. Merlin, of course, failed, and Arthur died around the shore instead.”

Arthur leaned forward. “I remember that. Gauis was talking to Merlin about it, I think. Something about the Sidhe?”

Morgana’s face lit up. “Yeah. Freya’s not the only immortal creature who lives here. The Sidhe are the immortal race of Avalon. I don’t know much about them, but people say that they are more powerful than even human sorcerers, maybe even Merlin.”

“So you think that the Sidhe can help Merlin,” Arthur said, his face thoughtful.

Morgana nodded. “If Merlin thought that the Sidhe could cure you, then they have to be able to help Merlin. You were stabbed with a blade forged from a dragon’s breath. Merlin’s probably never told you but your sword, Excalibur, was also forged from a dragon’s breath.”

“I’m sorry what?”

Morgana waved him off. “It’s a long story. Merlin will explain it all after. The point is that no one can survive a blade like that. Even me, a high priestess. If the Sidhe could cure something like that, they must be very powerful.”

Gwaine pursed his lips. “Ok. So we have to get to the island.”

“And to do that, we need Freya,” Morgana confirmed.

Gwen sunk her teeth into her bottom lip. “We also need Merlin onboard. How do we convince him to go with us?”

Elyan glanced up at Merlin, who had his phone pressed to his ears and his feet in the water. “I have no idea.”

-~-~-~-

“You fell asleep?”

Merlin groaned. “I know. It was so weird. We got there and Arthur and I had put our feet in the water and then my mind just went blank. Like everything afterward was just a weird dream.”

Rowan snorted into the phone. “Jesus Christ, Merlin. You’ve barely known these people for a month and you go fall asleep? Do you have no self-preservation skills?”

“Who me?” Merlin kicked the water slightly, watching it ripple. “It was just relaxing. They’re relaxing. And honestly, I'm terrified. I think they might be brainwashing me or something.”

Rowan sighed. “Just come home, Merlin. It’s almost three.”

Merlin froze. “Wait, what? Shut up.” Merlin pulled the phone away to check the time. “Shit.”

“You don’t want to walk home in the dark. The sun’s going to set in a few hours.”

Merlin rubbed his forehead. “We’re just eating right now. We’ll leave in like half an hour.”

“Alright. Just… stay safe, yeah?” Rowan's voice went soft.

“Careful, Rowan. I might think you care.” Merlin said, a soft smile curling at his lips. 

“Shut up, man. See you.”

Merlin grinned. “I love you, too.” He quickly hung up and glanced at the time again. _3:06_

Padding out of the water, he wiped his feet dry on the grass and made his way back to the group, who had fallen suspiciously quiet. “Are you guys alright?”

Gwen smiled, albeit nervously. “Yeah. The sandwiches are good.”

“Nice. we should probably leave soon anyway. We don’t want to walk home in the dark.” Merlin said, grabbing a sandwich for himself.

Morgana tilted her head just slightly to the left. “Of course. We’ll leave soon.”

Merlin paused, glancing up, suddenly unnerved by the look in her eyes. A hand landed on his thigh and Merlin jumped, looking at Arthur. “Arthur?”

Arthur didn’t smile. He stared at Merlin for a while before speaking, his voice soft. “I’m sorry.”

And before Merlin could reply, Arthur’s lips were crashing into his.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, I had a plan and then this came out, and well, I hope you liked it!! dw, Freya will be coming back soon. I've read a lot of immortal!merlin fics and I couldn't help but think that it was very seldom that they show Merlin as human. What I mean is that he might be immortal but he's not a god, right? And living for so long cannot allow a human brain to physically cope. It's only natural that Merlin's kind of gone crazy. After so many years, he's no longer the boy he once was. Freya, who has been watching Merlin for so long, has (inevitably) lost hope and that's why I didn't want her to agree to help right away. She will be back soon of course. 
> 
> It's also really interesting because I've looked at the legends and according to a lot of them, the Isle of Avalon and the Isle of the Blessed are the same place but in the show, they are two different places. I'm using the Isle of Avalon in this one with the Sidhe and all (bc personally I think it's really freaking cool) and I hope you guys will like it since I'm kind of making it up on the spot. I feel like this is shifting towards the fantasy and magical and adventure type story while they try to get Merlin back and it might be a bit longer than I planned but that's okay.
> 
> Thanks for reading and Happy New Year! (let's hope that it's not as sucky as 2020 bc what the hell was that— knock on wood)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin stumbled back, his legs catching on air to send him tumbling to the ground. He gasped out, his breath coming in heavy pants. The scene was vivid in his mind as if he’d lived through it himself. Maybe he had. 
> 
> Merlin swallowed, pressing a hand to his head. He was definitely losing his mind. Magic wasn’t real. Right?
> 
> “I’m afraid if magic doesn’t exist, then neither do you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

Arthur knelt in the water, digging his fingers into the wet sand below. He closed his eyes and tried to sense the presence of Freya. He was always terrible at recognizing magic. A sudden hand slipped around his arm as Morgana slid to the ground beside him. She didn’t look over at it, but there was a comfort in the touch that Arthur hadn’t felt in years.

Morgana whispered under her breath, too soft for Arthur to catch. She sunk deeper into the water, her eyes slipping shut. Slowly Gwen sank down beside Morgana and Lancelot beside her. They all lined up at the shore, praying to the triple goddess, to the immortals of Avalon, to let them pass.

Arthur held his breath and called out, pleading. _Freya._

After what felt like an eternity, Arthur lost it, shoving himself to his feet. “This isn’t working. Why the hell is Freya going to come back anyway?”

Morgana shot him a dirty look. “She’s not going to come back if you keep acting like an ignorant fool.”

“Don’t be stupid, Morgana. We’re wasting our time. If Freya doesn’t want to help Merlin, we can’t force her.”

“If you use that type of logic and why the hell are you so adamant on getting Merlin back. He clearly doesn’t want to.”

“That's different.” Arthur snarled. “He never asked for this.”

Morgana stood up, whirling around. “Yeah? Well, neither did Freya. Do you know how long she’s been here watching the man she loves break apart and being able to do nothing about it? Do you think she asked to be killed and made into this stupid immortal goddess?”

“Well, it is certainly better than living as a cursed druid.”

Morgana started and turned to see Freya, who was perched on one of the large rocks in the lake. Her head was cupped in her palms and her eyes twinkled with amusement.

“Freya.” Morgana breathed. “You’re here.”

“Well, your relentless arguing disturbed me.” She said, swinging her feet into the water.

“We need your help. I know that you think everything is hopeless and it’s valid but all we need is to get to the Isle of Avalon and we can take it from there.”

Freya furrowed her eyebrows looking past Morgana to where Merlin was passed out on the grass. “What did you do to Merlin?”

Arthur pushed forward. “We’re trying to help him. He’s not hurt or anything. We just had to make sure he won’t fight us.”

Freya stared at Arthur for a second before looking away. “I’m afraid you misunderstood me. It’s not that I won’t help you. It’s that I can’t.”

Morgana stepped forward. “We just need a boat to the island—”

“I know. I can’t. This world is much different than what you once knew, Morgana. Over the years, magic was sucked from the natural world. I’m not that powerful. My magic faded over the years. Only the most powerful magical creatures can survive.”

“Then how are you still here?”

Freya’s lips curled. “Merlin, probably. He’s the most powerful sorcerer in the world. He’s the embodiment of magic.”

“Ok, so he’s right here. Even I can feel his magic and I lost mine. If he’s the embodiment of magic then his presence must help you.”

Freya raised an eyebrow. “Then why don’t you have your magic back, hmm? He’s right here, isn’t he?”’

“No. I mean— you’re probably more powerful than me. Didn’t you bring us back to life? Isn’t that magic?” Morgana asked, desperation edging in her voice.

“That wasn’t my magic, Morgana. That was Merlin’s.” Freya let out a harsh sigh. “You don’t understand, alright? It’s not as easy as you make it out to be.”

Arthur pushed in front of Morgana. “No. You think it’s so much harder than it really is! This is Merlin. Merlin. We need him back. _I_ need him back.”

Freya slipped down from the rock. “Do you realize how selfish you sound?”

Leon was there in an instant, holding Arthur back. “Freya. All we’re asking is a way to get to the island. If you can’t help us, we understand—”

“Like hell we do—” Arthur growled.

“—but if there is anything you can tell us to help, it would mean the world.” Leon continued, ignoring Arthur. “I get that you don’t want to do this. But we do. And you can’t stop us.”

Freya stared at Leon, her eyes hard. “I want Merlin back more than anything in this world.”

“You said that it wasn’t your magic that brought us back, but Merlin’s. Is there any way you can harness Merlin’s energy to help us?”

“You want me to use Merlin’s magic?”

“No,” Leon said, his face twisted bitterly. “Merlin has unconsciously used his magic before. It was his magic that woke up Morgana.”

Freya strode past them to Merlin. She crouched down and scooped him up easily. Making her way back to the water, she carefully lowered Merlin into the lake.

“Careful. Don’t wake him up.”

Freya pressed her palm to his forehead, ignoring Arthur’s words. “This is one of the only places in the world where magic still thrives. I’ve grown weak over the years but those on the Isle have gotten stronger. Magic was once woven into the very fabric of the world. Now, the earth is stripped bare of it. But you cannot destroy magic. You only move it. All the magic in the world is now concentrated in a few select places.”

Freya's voice took on a low, steady tone, her palm trembling. “There’s the Isle of the Blessed, which is now an abandoned island in the middle of a drained lake. There is, of course, the Lake of Avalon, where magic thrives in its waters and on its island. And then there’s Merlin. The amount of power in him is breath-taking. But it’s also draining. Merlin hasn’t tapped into his magic in over a thousand of years. It’s settled in him. It’s vibrating beneath his skin but it's trapped.”

Leon jerked, stumbling back as the skin where Freya’s palm touched Merlin shone golden. 

“You’ve got the right idea. But the Sidhe are nearly extinct.” Freya said, her eyes curious as Merlin shuddered and curled beneath her fingers.

Morgana crouched down beside Freya. “That’s impossible. The Sidhe are immortal.”

Freya chuckled. “Immortality is not forever, Morgana. While some are thriving, others are being drained of their power. If I’m being honest, I’m surprised it took so long. The Sidhe have lost their purpose. There’s nothing here to keep them alive. You can have all the magic in the world, and they very nearly do, but without a purpose for it, they’re useless. The world is moving on. They are too. It won’t be long until Merlin does as well.”

“Merlin’s losing his magic?”

“Magic thrives on magic. It’s hard to explain.” Freya pulled her hand away, and Merlin’s skin faded back to normal. “Merlin’s dying. And it’s up to you to stop it.”

“He’s what?” Arthur demanded, his eyes wide.

Freya smiled bitterly. “I’m sorry if I was stubborn before. Trust me when I say that immortality is not a blessing. It’s a curse. But it doesn’t last forever. Nothing does. If you don’t help Merlin, he’s not going to wander the earth for eternity. At least not like this. He’ll fade. He’ll sink into the ground and his magic will return to where it once came from.”

“What do we do?” 

Freya looked up. “You do what I never had the courage to do. Save him.”

Morgana reached down as if to touch Merlin, but hesitated, her palm hovering over his shoulder. Freya leaned forward and covered Morgana’s palm, pushing it down until Merlin was shuddering from the twin touch. “I am sorry, Morgana. I hope you find your peace. And I hope that Merlin can give it to you.” Freya whispered and then looked up at Arthur, whose expression was unreadable. “Don’t let him down, Arthur.”

And before Arthur could reply, his entire world went blindingly gold.

_\--0-o-0--_

Merlin’s head throbbed. Not in a hangover fashion, but more like he had slammed it into a rock. Then again, they both feel awfully similar. Rolling his head to the side, Merlin could see the sun in the distance, moments away from dipping below the horizon. The sky was a blend of orange and yellow and pink and purple and the colors flashed in his mind, bursting beneath his eyelids. 

_I want you to always be you._

Merlin could feel a sudden breeze and dirt beneath his fingernails and cold, _cold,_ looks from across the roaring fire that faded into something that one might call acceptance. People crowded around him, the heat closing in and all he could hear was tumbling words and tearing screams and— Merlin shuddered, his mind crashing in on itself and twisting and curling into something it was not, and by the time he wrenched his eyes open, he was alone.

Merlin gasped, jerking up only to be slowly eased down by something he couldn’t see. Every inch of Merlin was trembling. He was stranded, alone, beneath a tall towering tree. In the distance, he could see a broken tower that rose into the sky. Merlin blinked. He had to be dreaming. A few dozen feet down was the water that seemed to stretch for miles and Merlin could scarcely breathe because there was no way in hell he was on the Isle of Avalon. 

Merlin staggered to his feet, stumbling. He couldn’t remember the last thing that happened. Had they just arrived at the lake? Was this after lunch? Before he called Rowan? Everything seemed jumbled up like someone had taken his memories and tied them into something new. Something unrecognizable.

“Elyan?” Merlin's voice was soft and barely moved through the open air. “Morgana!”

Merlin shuffled over, through the scattered trees and grass. As he neared the iconic broken tower, Merlin noticed caves clustered at the base. The caves seemed to drag him forward and before he knew it, he was creeping his way through the largest one. The narrow tunnel widened into a cavern that seemed to stretch a quarter of a mile through. It was definitely not that big from the outside. But Merlin didn’t have time to worry about that because the moment he entered, he was blinded by the glowing crystals that covered the stone walls. 

He moved forward, entranced by the diamond. Reaching up he smoothed a hand over the hard surface and in an instant, he was sucked from reality.

_Merlin raised a hand toward the fire, mumbling a spell. The flames shifted instantly, twirling itself into a butterfly that flapped its wings pathetically against the wind and smoke._

_“Merlin?”_

_Merlin jumped, his blood running cold. He didn’t turn around. He knew that voice. Oh, Jesus, his mother was going to kill him. Will crept forward and entered Merlin’s line of vision._

_“How the heck did you do that?”_

_Merlin looked up, feigning innocent, hoping his best friend didn’t see right through his act. “Do what?”_

_Will gave a nervous chuckle, backing away. “Don’t play dumb. You-you moved the fire. You made a butterfly.”_

_Merlin barked out a laugh, forcing his hand to stop trembling on his thigh. “What? You’re seeing things, Will.”_

_Will’s eyes drilled holes into Merlin’s face and it took every ounce of his willpower to not look away. To not get up and run for his life. He knew Will. They grew up together. But this was a whole other level of trust. Will huffed out an incredulous breath. “You have magic.”_

_Merlin rolled his eyes. “I think you need some sleep, Will.”_

_Will moved forward. He didn’t look scared. If anything, he looked curious. “I know what I saw. Oh my fucking god. You have magic.”_

_Merlin winced, covering his ears. “Jesus, Will. Watch your language. And shut up. I don’t have magic.”_

_Will’s lips pressed together in an effort not to smile. “Oh my god. This is the best day of my life. Are you serious? Are you, like, good at it?”_

_“Good at what?” Merlin snapped, looking away. His heart patterned out of control, threatening to beat out of his chest._

_Will carefully lowered himself onto the log Merlin was sitting. “Hey. I won’t tell anyone.” He winked. “It can be our dirty little secret.”_

_“There’s no secret. Go away, Will.” Merlin dropped his head into his hands. Deep breaths._

_Will inched a bit closer, laying his palm on the back of Merlin’s shoulder. Merlin jerked away, staggering to his feet. “Don’t. Just— go. You’re talking crazy.”_

_Will was up on his feet in an instant. “No. This is a good thing. I’ve always wanted to mess with Old Man Simmons and if you have magic then we could actually get away with it. Don’t you see? It would be so cool. So, I was thinking—”_

_Merlin backed away. “What? You want to play pranks? Are you out of your mind?”_

_Will grinned. “I think you’re out of your mind. Look, here’s the deal. If you let use your magic to fell Old Man Simmon’s tree into his garden, I’ll forgive you.”_

_Merlin blinked. “Forgive me?”_

_Will shrugged like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Yeah. For never telling me this. It’s so cool. It’s not a bad thing, Merlin. No one else has to know.”_

_Merlin stared, trying to calm his breath. “Oh. You’re not going to tell anyone?”_

_Will’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “Hey. I’m the prince, remember? Prince William of Ealdor? I don’t have to tell anyone anything. It’ll be our secret, yeah?”_

_Merlin blew out a breath. “Ok. Ok. Oh my god. Mum is going to kill me.”_

_Will stepped forward, grabbing Merlin's bicep. “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her, right?”_

Merlin stumbled back, his legs catching on air to send him tumbling to the ground. He gasped out, his breath coming in heavy pants. The scene was vivid in his mind as if he’d lived through it himself. Maybe he had. He had no memory of ever being that young, only twelve if his eyes didn't deceive him. 

Merlin swallowed, pressing a hand to his head. He was definitely losing his mind. Magic wasn’t real. Right?

“I’m afraid if magic doesn’t exist, then neither do you.”

Merlin launched himself to his feet, backing away at the unfamiliar voice. At the entrance, was a woman. Her blonde hair fell in waves to her waist and her grey eyes chilled Merlin to the bone. She moved further into the cave and brushed her fingers against the crystals on the wall. She was absolutely gorgeous, and it was because of that Merlin instantly feared for his life. It was always the pretty ones.

She tilted her head, eyes clouding with amusement. “I’ve never heard that before. I do appreciate the compliment. But I’m not here to hurt you. If I did, I’m afraid I wouldn’t live very long.”

Merlin sucked in a breath, not daring to respond. Did she just read his mind?

“I did. I might as well introduce myself. I’m Evaine. It’s a pleasure to meet the child of the gods himself. Though you look rather pathetic right now, cowering against the wall.” Evaine said, her lips curling.

Merlin closed his eyes and tried to regain his senses. He was just going insane. It’s just a dream.

“It’s never just dreams, Merlin. Dreams aren’t real. Dreams don’t exist. This, on the other hand, is very much real. And what you saw in that crystal was also very real. It was a very important part of your childhood. Of your journey in magic.” Evaine moved closer and Merlin just realized that she was gripping a scepter in her left hand, a blue crystal gleaming from its perch on top. 

Merlin opened his mouth and then snapped it shut, reconsidering his words. “W-where am I?”

“I thought that was rather obvious. It’s a crystal cave. Granted, you’ve been to more powerful ones, but this is the most powerful one on the island. I know that you’ve had bad experiences with crystals but don’t worry. You’re not looking into the future, today. That’s still undecided. After all, you need to know your past before you can glimpse the future. And if things go the way they are right now, I’m afraid your future won’t be very bright.” Evaine said, walking forward until they were just a few feet away.

“My past?” Merlin asked, wincing when his voice cracked.

“When your friends came begging for me to help you, I didn’t think I could. After all, you’re a million times more powerful than me. But I realized that it’s not just the power of magic that’s needed. But the power of love.”

Merlin snorted before he could hold it in. “The power of love? We’re not living in a fucking fairy tale okay? Where are my friends? What have you done with them?”

Evaine raised an eyebrow. “Easy, there. Even without remembering, you still have an undying loyalty to your king, hmm?”

Merlin furrowed his eyebrows, backing further into the cave. “This is madness. I can’t—”

“Calm down.” Evaine rolled her eyes. “Your friends are fine. Here.”

She twirled the scepter in her hands and then slammed into the hard rock below their feet. There was a loud crack and then in a flash of light, eight disgruntled bodies crashed into the cave. Merlin yelled, jerking back at the sudden appearance.

Percival groaned, shoving Elyan off of him and pushing himself to his feet. “That was unnecessarily painful.”

Gwaine flopped onto his back, cradling his head. “I second that.”

Merlin blinked. “Elyan?”

The man in question looked up, his eyes lighting up when he saw Merlin. “Hey, Merlin! Thank god, I thought she killed you or something.”

“What the hell is going on? What did you do to me?” 

Elyan rushed forward. “Easy. Everything’s going to be alright. Just trust me.”

Merlin gave a disbelieving laugh. “Trust you? Jesus fucking Christ, I never should’ve gone on this trip with you all. I barely even know you.”

“Merlin—”

“That’s it.” Merlin dug through his pockets relieved to find his phone. “I’m calling Rowan. I need to leave, alright?”

Elyan cursed. Merlin was just about to click on Rowan's name when Elyan reached over and snatched the phone, hurling it towards the wall. It instantly shattered against the crystals and thumped to the ground. It took Merlin a good five seconds to realize what happened.

“Did you just shatter my phone? That was expensive, what the hell?”

“Merlin, I promise you, your phone is the least of our problems. I’ll fix it later.” Elyan swore.

“Fix it?” Merlin marched over and snatched up the phone, which was nearly breaking in his fingers. “You can’t fix this. It costs money, you know. Well, actually you don’t since you’re fucking homeless and didn’t even know what a phone was before you met me!”

Gwaine suddenly snickered. “Oh, burn.”

Merlin covered his face with his hands, blowing out a slow sigh. “I have to go. I don’t know what type of sick game this is but—”

Merlin’s fingers brushed the crystal nearest to him and his voice faltered as the crystal seemed to shine beneath his fingers. Merlin bent down looking closer and by the time he realized what he’d done, his eyes peered into the depths of the reflecting glass and he was gone.

_Merlin stepped into the large citadel and his eyes caught on the crowd in the center. He tugged the straps of his bag over his shoulder and forced himself to move forward. His mother’s words were drilled into his head._ Be careful. _And if Merlin was being honest, he was more excited than scared to be in Camelot._

_It was his future home. And it was so much larger than what Merlin had anticipated. His heartbeat was so loud he nearly missed the words from the man on the balcony._

_“Let this serve as a lesson to all. This man, Thomas James Collins, is adjudged guilty of conspiring to use enchantments and magic. And, pursuant to the laws of Camelot, I, Uther Pendragon, have decreed that such practices are banned on penalty of death. I pride myself as a fair and just king, but for the crime of sorcery, there is but one sentence I can pass.”_

_The king, Uther Pendragon, raised his arm and looked over at the executioner._

_Merlin’s blood ran cold when he realized what was happening. Uther’s hand dropped and Merlin winced looking away, the thud of the axe on the wood echoing through the citadel._

_“When I came to this land, this kingdom was mired in chaos, but with the people's help magic was driven from the realm. So I declare a festival to celebrate twenty years since the Great Dragon was captured and Camelot freed from the evil of sorcery. Let the celebrations begin.” The king declared and turned away from the balcony. His face was joyful and it made Merlin sick to the stomach._

_This was not what Merlin was expecting. He barely even noticed as the sorcerer's mother appeared and yelled to the king._

_“There is only one evil in this land, and it is not magic! It is you!”_

_The words seemed to echo in his mind on repeat and drown out everything else. He’d truly thought his mother was exaggerating when she sat him down to explain the dangers of the land. But this...this was horrifying._

_Merlin watched, dazed, as the woman disappeared in a whirl of wind and smoke, leaving nothing but dust behind. He pressed his trembling lips together and tilted his chin up to watch and Uther backed into the castle, his face twisted in anger and disgust. But Merlin could see the slight fear in his eyes._

_He swallowed roughly and backed away along with the rest of the crowd, making sure to avoid the center, where the decapitated head had rolled off._

_Camelot was not a magic-friendly place. And as he made his way to the physician’s chambers, he’d be damned if he let any more innocent sorcerers die at Uther’s hand._

_But what Merlin didn’t realize at that time, was that his views would soon change. His hard fast determination and focus would shift from saving magic to saving Arthur. And that somewhere along the way, he wouldn’t know the difference._

Merlin wrenched his hand away, breathing heavily. He snapped his eyes open and suddenly every time he blinked, all he could see was that man’s head rolling off the platform and towards him. Almost tauntingly. He could’ve saved him. He could’ve saved them all. But he instead backed away, cowered away and hid in the shadows and—

“Merlin.” 

He jerked back at Gwen’s soft voice. Her eyes were filled with worry and her hands seemed to clench at the air like she wanted to lunge forward and wrap him in a hug. Merlin took in a strangled breath and clasped a hand over his mouth. What the hell was wrong with him? What was that?

“That was you, Merlin,” Evaine spoke suddenly. “That was all you. Your memories. Your thoughts. Your life. Don’t you want to remember? Remember who you used to be?”

“That wasn’t me.” Merlin’s voice sounded broken even to his own ears. “That can’t be me.”

Arthur took slow steps forward as if Merlin was just a rabbit who was easily scared off. “It’s okay, Merlin. Let us help you.”

Merlin staggered back, his heart pounding and mind whirling with visions and memories and _dreams_ —

Arthur easily caught Merlin as he stumbled and helped lower him to the ground. The other crept forward hesitantly, careful not to startle Merlin.

“Just breath. Give in. It’s okay.” Arthur’s voice was ever so soft and sent shudders down Merlin’s spine. “Stop fighting. It’s just me, right? Arthur? Your king. Your friend?”

Merlin wheezed out a broken laugh. “My dollophead.”

He didn’t notice when Arthur’s arms tensed. The words bounced around in his mind and it was getting harder to keep his eyes open. He barely noticed when Evaine started chanting softly, a dozen or so small blue fairies flooding into the cave, joining in.

Merlin gripped Arthur’s arm painfully, suddenly finding it hard to breathe.

_I hope you find what you’re looking for._

There was a wooden boat and a red cape and strangled yelling that pierced Merlin to his very core. _I failed?_

Merlin nearly threw up, pressing his forehead to Arthur’s chest. Arthur’s alive and breathing chest. “You’re okay. Just let go. Let yourself fall.”

Merlin grit his teeth, the fog nearly blinding him. He pushed forward, catching himself when he saw the ground drop down into the void. A large, deep, gaping void that seemed so, so familiar but sent fear trickling down its spine. It dragged Merlin forward. Urged him to move. But after so many years of pulling back, he just couldn’t let go.

Arthur’s hands slipped around his waist. The chanting got louder and his entire body seemed to vibrate. “Come on, Merlin. I’m right here. Come find me.”

Merlin took a staggering step forward, his knees nearly bucking at the weight. The edge was right there, just within reach. _Just let yourself fall._

Merlin gasped and dug his fingers into Arthur’s shirt. He peered through the fog. The void seemed to stretch on forever but the only way to get to the other side was to fall. Merlin inched forward, the edge of the cliff digging into his feet. Arthur's voice was fading and Merlin clung on with all his might, trying his hardest not to lose him.

Arthur’s fingers gripped his hips almost painfully. “I got you.”

Merlin closed his eyes and swayed dangerously to the side, his entire body vibrating with energy. With power. With magic. The entire world was tinted the most blinding gold. _Just, just hold me._

Merlin tipped forward, his breath suddenly catching on the sudden tilt of the world. _I want to say something I’ve never said to you before._

Arthur’s lips pressed to his ear, his voice so, so soft, but achingly loud at the same time. Everything he knew was slowly crumbling and there seemed to be no air around Merlin to breathe in. _Thank you._ The fog cleared.

“I love you,” Arthur whispered.

And Merlin fell.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the ending is a bit confusing, just remember that in Merlin's mind, his memories are kind of like a cliff at his feet that he doesn't see through the fog. I think I brought it up in a couple of places in previous chapters so if you don't remember. He's physically in the cave with Arthur but mentally he's at this cliff and he just needs the courage to let himself fall.
> 
> I hope that this chapter lives up to your expectations!! I tried to style in a way that you could feel the tension and the rushing of Merlin's mind and he tries to figure out what's going on and all so I hope that was conveyed in this.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this and let me know in the comments!! <3


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur hated it. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Merlin was never supposed to forget. He wasn’t supposed to be dying. Not Merlin. Never Merlin. Arthur pressed his forehead to his and blew out a harsh breath, watching Merlin’s hair ruffle the slightest bit. “Merlin.”
> 
> But no matter how hard Arthur pleaded and cried and wished for Merlin to wake up and give him that knowing look that Arthur so desperately craved, it didn’t work. Arthur didn’t know why he was so surprised. Merlin never listened to him. He never did anything Arthur told him to do. Why would he now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

_-o-0--one week later--0-o-_

Morgana gripped Ascalon’s palm, squeezing her eyes shut.

“You need to relax. Release the tension in your shoulders. Don’t squeeze my hands, just lay them there. Deep breaths.” Ascalon whispered, his voice soft.

Morgana carefully lowered her shoulders, releasing her grip on his hands. She inhaled a slow breath and forced her fingers to stop trembling.

“Think back to a time you used magic. A simple time. Maybe just lighting a fire or making flowers from thin air. Nothing too hard.” Ascalon’s voice washed over Morgana. “Take your time. Once you think of something, tell me.”

Morgana dropped her chin to her chest, startled when Ascalon instantly leaned over to tilt her chin back up. “Look up.”

Morgana’s eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks as she thought back to her past life in Camelot. “I was with my sister, Morgouse. We were in the forest and it was dark out. We couldn’t get a fire going so I had made this golden ball of light.”

“How? Instinctively or with a spell?”

“Spell.”

There was a silence and it took all of Morgana’s willpower to not fidget or open her eyes. Ascalon suddenly spoke again. “Do you remember the spell?”

Morgana thought back. But all she could remember was the night sky and golden light and Morgouses’ eyes. “No.”

“Open your eyes.”

Morgana cracked her eyes open, her vision clearing. Sitting before her was Ascalon. He looked like a sixteen-year-old but Morgana knew better. The Sidhe preferred to show himself as human rather than the fairy form that others usually appeared in.

Ascalon’s starling green eyes were bright. He inched forward, knocking their knees together from where they were seated on the grass. Morgana felt a sudden swell of brotherly affection. He reminded her of Mordred but thinking of that only made her heart ache. When Ascalon had realized that Morgana had lost her magic, he had taken it upon himself to help Morgana get it back.

Ascalon pulled Morgana closer and whispered. “ _Gegylden leoht_ ”

A ball of light flickered in the air between them. Morgana couldn’t stop the small gasp that tore from her throat. Ascalon grinned at Morgana’s reaction. 

“Come on. Try it. Repeat after me. _Gegylden leoht._ ” The ball appeared again and faded after a couple of seconds.

Morgana took in a breath and repeated, trying to ignore the trembling of her voice. “ _Gegylden leoht_ ”

Nothing happened. Morgana tried again. And again. 

“Easy,” Ascalon whispered. “Unclench your hands.”

Morgana tore her hands away from him when she realized that she had been squeezing them rather painfully. “Sorry. I just—”

“Hey, it’s alright.” Ascalon offered a small smile. “You’ll get it.”

“I’ll get it? It’s been a week and I can’t even make a stupid ball of light.”

Ascalon leaned back on his hands. “I can feel the magic running through your veins. It’s there, Morgana. You just have to tap into it.”

Morgana raised an eyebrow. “No shit.”

Ascalon laughed and looked over Morgana’s shoulder. “Hey, Gwen.”

Gwen jogged over and pulled Morgana to her feet. “Hey, Ascalon. I’m afraid I have to cut your magic lessons short. It’s Merlin.”

Morgana’s head jerked up. “He’s awake?”

Gwen winced. “Well...just come on. I’ll show you.”

Morgana bid Ascalon goodbye and followed Gwen. She was just a dozen feet away from the entrance of the cave when a wave of magic washed over her, shoving her back. “Oh my god. Did you feel that?”

Gwen frowned. “Feel what?”

“Merlin’s magic. Jesus, what’s happening?” Morgana broke into a run and made her way into the cave where Leon and Evaine knelt over Merlin. Merlin’s entire body was vibrating and his eyes fluttered with dreams and gold.

Morgana rushed over and crouched down. “Oh my god, Merlin. Shit. Is he okay?”

Evaine carefully checked his pulse. “He’s fine. Memories from thousands of lives all returning in a week is not an easy feat. These are some aftereffects. If everything goes well, he should wake up soon.”

“If everything goes well?”

Evaine stood up. “I warned you all before. There’s no guarantee he’ll live through this. Most people would’ve been dead by now, sorcerer or not. He’s tough, I'll tell you that but there is no guarantee. For now, though, it seems that everything is going to plan.”

Morgana pursed her lips and leaned forward, brushing a hand through Merlin’s hair to push it off of his face. “Ok. Ok. He’ll be alright.”

Evaine nodded and without another word, she transformed into a small blue fairy and fluttered away. Morgana let out a soft breath. She glanced up and started back when she found Leon looking at her with almost inquisitive eyes.

“What?”

Leon tilted his head. “It almost sounded like you were worried.”

Morgana stared at Leon, her heart pounding in her chest. After three full heartbeats, she yanked her back. “I’m not worried.”

Leon’s lips curled up the slightest bit. He glanced down at Merlin before standing up. “Of course not. Whatever you say. Watch over him, will you? I need to talk to Arthur.”

Before Morgana could reply, Leon was walking out, leaving Morgana alone with Merlin. Morgana turned back, tucking her hands beneath her thighs. “I wasn’t worried.” She muttered to herself.

Merlin shuddered, twisting over. Morgana caught flashes of gold beneath his eyelashes and she couldn’t help but wonder what he was going through. Could he hear her? A part of Morgana wanted to find out.

She didn’t know what she would say but looking at Merlin’s face, who for someone getting an overload of memories looked fairly calm, she couldn't for the life of her figure out why she was so mad at him. She didn’t know how it was _this_ face that had fueled her anger more than anything,

“Morgana?”

Elyan crept inside. “Hey, sorry. I had to steal Gwen.”

Morgana blinked. She’d forgotten about Gwen. How worried must she have been to forget about the person who walked in with her? “Uh, that’s alright. Where is she?”

Elyan shrugged. “With Lance. He’s going through some stuff.”

Morgana snorted. “We all are. Did you want to look after Merlin?”

“If you’re here—”

Morgana waved him off. “It’s alright. Sit down..”

Elyan hesitated but carefully made his way over. He paused and then scooped up Merlin’s shattered phone that was near the edge of the wall. He sat down beside Morgana and gently flipped the phone. “I didn’t mean to break it. Who knew phones would be so fragile?”

Morgana snorted. “You hurled it against a crystal wall, what did you expect to happen?”

“Have you gotten a hand at your magic yet?” Elyan asked, tracing a finger over the large crack that ran down the length of the phone.

Morgana winced. “Yeah. I’m getting there.”

“Could you fix this?” Elyan offered the phone to her. “I feel kind of bad and Merlin obviously loves his phone.”

Morgana took the phone, studying it. “He was too obsessed with his phone, anyway. It feels like everyone in this day and age is. He’s better off without it.”

“Come on, Morgana.” Elyan groaned. “I told him that I would fix it—”

Morgana smirked and tossed the phone back to Elyan, who caught it with fumbling fingers. “Ok, then. Fix it.”

Elyan glared. “Please? Maybe it can be like a premature apology for when he wakes up.”

The smile slipped from Morgana’s face. “Apology? Why would I apologize to Merlin?”

Elyan looked up, raising an eyebrow. “Um, I don’t know. Maybe because you were responsible for nearly half of all of his loved ones’ lives and you completely ruined his life with your stupid schemes. Don’t you think he deserves at the very least a sorry for all the crap you put him through?”

Morgana scoffed. “It’s nothing compared to what he did to me.”

“You know, in a mature conversation, both parties apologize. Obviously, Merlin made mistakes too and he’ll apologize. Because, you know, he’s a decent human being.” Elyan muttered and dropped the phone to the ground with a thud.

Morgana clenched her teeth. “I have nothing to apologize for.”

Elyan leaned back on his hands. “Ok, then. Congratulations.”

Something about the tone in which Elyan spoke sparked a flame of anger. “You—”

“Listen, Morgana. I’m tired and I’m really not in the mood to fight, alright? Just let it go. Clearly, you need to sort things out with Merlin. Do that and then we’ll talk.”

Morgana snapped her mouth shut, huffing out a breath. She eyed the phone for a moment before reaching for it. Ascalon’s words echoed in her mind.

_Release the tension in your shoulders._

Morgana closed her eyes and gently wrapped her fingers around the phone.

_Deep breaths._

She inhaled and focused all her energy on the object in her hand. All the power and magic that was running through her veins. She thought back to a spell she had used a while back when she had to fix a broken chain that one of her prisoners had snapped. The spell she used to put together a shattered piece of glass that she had once thrown in anger because of ironically, Merlin who had been particularly irritating that day.

_“Behlēape gebroc.”_

She didn’t open her eyes to see if it would work. She tightened her fingers for a moment and then relaxed, repeating the spell, which literally meant ‘to fix what is broken’.

Morgana swallowed roughly and took in a gulp of air. “ _Behlēape gebroc.”_

She felt the phone tremble slightly and it took all of Morgana’s willpower to not lose her focus. She opened her mouth to say it again, when a voice interrupted, throwing her completely off course.

“Morgana.”

Morgana jumped, dropping the phone. The golden light that had flooded the cracks melted away as Morgana’s focus shattered. 

She turned to see Arthur carefully make his way inside. Morgana growled and tossed the phone to the ground. “What the hell, Arthur? You broke my focus.”

Arthur opened his mouth and hesitated. Only then did she notice that his eyes were rimmed red. “Uhm, Leon dropped by. Did something happen with Merlin? Why didn’t you guys call me?”

Elyan winced. “We were going to. We just thought that we’d make sure that he was okay, first.”

Arthur stared, like he wanted to yell but was far too tired for that. “Right. Um, I was wondering if I could be with him? Alone?”

Elyan was up in an instant. He grabbed the phone with one hand and Morgana with his other. “Of course. Come on, Morgana.”

Morgana paused and watched as Arthur’s eyes flickered to Merlin. She took in a breath. “It’ll be okay. He’s strong.”

Arthur scoffed. “And what the hell do you know, Morgana? You spent nearly half your life trying to break him.”

Morgana shrugged. “Yeah. But I never succeeded.”

“You don’t think so?” Arthur asked, meeting her gaze. “You think through all the years he tried to fight you off, he didn’t once break.”

Morgana swallowed and looked away. “He might have cracked. He might have fallen down and slowly crumbled. But if I know anything, it’s that he always, _always,_ gets back up. I should know. I once left him chained in a clearing full of serkets. I once poisoned him and kicked him off a cliff to leave him to the dogs. And you can argue that he only survived because of his immortality but it was more than that. He always comes back, whether you like it or not. Trust me.”

She patted Arthur's shoulder and left before he could reply.

~-~-~-~

Arthur settled onto the ground beside Merlin. He was almost tempted to go after Morgana and yell at her because he never did think about how many times she’s tried to kill Merlin. But he was tired. He was so tired. He nearly lost it a week ago when Merlin was thrashing in his arms and crying for Arthur to hold on. It was absolute torture to watch his body go limp as his eyes fluttered gold. Arthur would be lying to himself if he didn’t flinch at the tell-tale sign of magic.

Arthur leaned forward and brushed his fingers off Merlin's cheekbones. The sudden reality of everything weighed down on his shoulders and he was suddenly struck with the realization that Merlin might not even wake up. It could all have been for nothing. All the awkward smiles and oblivious looks and the begging that Arthur had to do so that the Sidhe could help. For nothing. 

Swallowing roughly, Arthur pulled away and tucked his hands beneath his thighs. “I wonder how you did it.” Arthur flinched at his own trembling voice.

“You know, you had to wait fifteen-hundred years for me to come back. And you didn’t even know if I would. It’s been nearly two months since I came back, and I’m already losing it. Granted, I think you lost it as well. But all the time before. When Camelot was still standing and when Gwen was still queen. You were stronger than I could’ve ever been.”

Arthur reached his other hand out and hesitated. He flipped over and stretched out on the soft blankets beside Merlin. Throwing an arm over his eyes, Arthur forced himself to keep talking. “If I remember correctly, the last time we really had fun together was the day before I went to Camlann. We were at the tavern playing this stupid game for money. It was pure luck, but you seemed to win every round. It makes sense. You were always like a good luck charm wherever you went. Through the missions and the quests and everything really, we always won. And now I realize that it was never luck, was it? It was magic.”

Arthur heaved a bitter sigh and squeezed his eyes shut, ignoring the lone tear that rolled down the side of his face. “I died just a few days after you told me. And I wonder every single day if it was because you wanted to tell me, or if it was because I was dying, and you knew that I wouldn’t have made it. But no matter the reason, you told me. And I never had the time to process it. I accepted you, of course, but I don’t know anything. And now, we have a second chance and I can finally know what all you’ve done for me. What all you’ve sacrificed for me. We had so little time and I—”

Arthur broke off as his breath hitched. He clasped a hand over his mouth, muffling the ugly sob that was rising in his throat. “I never considered myself to be an emotional person. Growing up, I was never allowed to. Not as the prince and certainly not as a king. But you, Merlin, you tore down my walls like they were never there in the first place and you wormed your way into my heart and now, now after everything, you can’t leave me.”

Arthur twisted over and sat up, sliding his fingers through Merlin’s and gripping with all his might. “Before I met you, I was so alone. Yeah, I had Leon and Morgana but I never really- I wasn’t—” Arthur broke off, frustrated. “It was only after you came that I realized how alone I was. You were this ball of energy and the entire kingdom instantly fell in love for you. And there are times when I wonder if all my knights joined for me or for you. Because you were the reason that nearly all of them joined. Save Leon, I guess.

“But you crashed head-first into my life and insulted me in front of who I thought were my friends and you showed what real friendship is. And maybe I depend on you too much, maybe I never learned how to really live without you and part of me never wants to. But after all these years, I’m not done. I’ll never be done.”

Arthur silently pleaded with Merlin to wake. It was this moment that he knew was in all the fairytales and legends. Merlin would wake up now, and crack some stupid joke that would have Arthur crying and laughing and the same time. He would break out into a beautiful smile that had his eyes crinkling and his teeth shining. He would nudge Arthur and smirk because he never thought that Arthur would cry over him. Arthur would snort and lean down and Merlin would meet him halfway and this time both of them would remember when their lips met. And everything would be okay. But Merlin didn’t move. His fingers didn’t twitch and his eyes didn’t flutter. His mouth was slack and his hand was too. 

And Arthur hated it. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Merlin was never supposed to forget. He wasn’t supposed to be dying. Not Merlin. Never Merlin. Arthur pressed his forehead to his and blew out a harsh breath, watching Merlin’s hair ruffle the slightest bit. “Merlin.”

But no matter how hard Arthur pleaded and cried and wished for Merlin to wake up and give him that knowing look that Arthur so desperately craved, it didn’t work. Arthur didn’t know why he was so surprised. Merlin never listened to him. He never did anything Arthur told him to do. Why would he now?

_\--0-o-0--_

Gwen paused at the entrance of the cave. Arthur was sleeping, curled up against Merlin. Arthur’s head was resting on Merlin’s chest as if he could only fall asleep with the reassurance that his heart was steady and alive. Gwen sucked in a breath. She carefully moved forward and lowered herself beside them. 

Gwen leaned over and brushed her fingers through Arthur’s hair and wiped the dried tears on his cheeks. She moved to Merlin and froze when her eyes locked with dark blue ones. She stifled a scream and scrambled back, slamming her back into the wall.

Merlin winced slightly. “Shh. Don’t wake him up.”

Gwen gaped at him, trying to calm her pattering heart. “What?”

“Look at the bags under his eyes. He’s clearly not slept in a while. I don’t want to wake him.” Merlin's voice was soft, barely a breath, and Gwen vaguely wondered if she was going crazy. 

Merlin brushed back Arthur’s hair and looked back up at Gwen, a small smile curling at his lips. “Hi, Gwen. I’ve missed you.”

Gwen had to slap a hand over her mouth to not sob out loud. “Merlin. Merlin. Oh my god.”

She fought to keep her voice low and she inched forward. Even after getting back thousands of memories and waking up in a strange new place, Merlin still had enough composure to not wake Arthur up, as if his world hadn’t been flipped inside out. It was such a Merlin thing to do that Gwen nearly broke down.

Merlin reached out with his free hand and Gwen instantly took it. “I’m going to kill you,” Gwen whispered, cursing herself when her voice cracked.

Merlin’s eyes crinkled as he smiled. “I wouldn’t expect anything less, my lady.”

Gwen furiously wiped her cheeks. “How- how are you feeling?”

“I could be better. I feel like I ran into a truck.”

“Oh.” Gwen carefully pulled away. “You should get some more rest, yeah? Take your time.”

Merlin nodded as best he could with Arthur drooling on his shirt. “Yeah. Do me a favor, don’t tell anyone. I’ll come out soon. I just don’t want to wake Arthur.”

“Please. He actually hasn’t slept in so long. And once he sees you, he’s never letting you out of his sight.” Gwen whispered.

“I sure hope so. Is everyone there?”

“Yeah. All the knights and—” Gwen hesitated. “Morgana too.”

Merlin sighed. “Right. I probably have a lot of things to explain.”

“Just a bit.” Gwen teased softly as she leaned over to press a light kiss to his forehead. “Take your time here, because once you come out…” Gwen trailed off, figuring that Merlin could understand.

“Yeah. Thanks, Gwen.” Merlin said, his eyes fond.

Gwen nodded and backed away. “We are having a very long talk once you're up, don’t think you can escape.”

Merlin only grinned in response, his eyes shining in a way she hasn’t seen since Arthur died. And Gwen was barely outside before she collapsed, crying in relief.

“Gwen?” Elyan rushed over, crouching near her. “Are you alright? Is Merlin—”

“They’re fine.” Gwen choked out. “Arthur wanted to be with him alone.”

“Hey. Merlin’s strong. He’ll be here before you know it.” Elyan said, carefully gripping her forearm.

Gwen smiled through her tears, a sudden weight lifting from her chest. “I know.”

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I split this chapter into two because it turned out longer than I liked. I realized that I wanted them to wait a bit more (bc I love to make them suffer) and, like, show how Arthur is coping and how Morgana is realizing that maybe she's not as angry as she thought herself to believe (will that idea stay once Merlin actually walks to here? eh)
> 
> So, the next chapter will have merlin + everyone and a whole bunch of confrontations so folks, the angst's just starting (oops)
> 
> It'll also have some Merlin POV so that we can see the trainwreck that he is (i mean, valid though, his brain can't cope)
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re wrong. I’m not strong. I’m not capable.” A lone tear slid down Merlin’s cheek. “Why couldn’t you have let me go? I could’ve been peaceful and ignorant to the real world and I could’ve faded back into the earth without a worry in the world—”
> 
> Elyan squeezed Merlin’s arms. “Come on. That’s not you, Merlin. You weren’t peaceful. You were on the edge and blissfully ignorant but that’s not peace. We never had enough time back in Camelot. This is our second chance to make things right. I would’ve thought that you of all people would take this chance to make amends.”
> 
> Merlin gave a broken laugh. “I don’t give a shit about making amends. I don’t care, Elyan. I really don’t. I just want to go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

Merlin’s head throbbed as he slowly opened his eyes. After Gwen had left, it had barely taken a minute for Merlin to fall asleep again. He’d hoped that when he woke up, his brain would stop feeling like someone put it in a blender and then ran over it six times. No luck.

Arthur was still drooling away on Merlin and he couldn’t help but envy how relaxed he looked. A twinge of guilt shuddered through him and Merlin carefully carded through his golden locks. How could he have forgotten him?

Merlin slipped his hands beneath Arthur’s head and carefully lifted him up to slip out from underneath him. He lay Arthur against the padded blankets and backed away. Inhaling sharply, Merlin touched his forehead and whispered a spell to calm the throbbing. He wasn’t surprised when nothing happened. 

Flexing his fingers, he relished in the power that ran through his veins. Now, he just had to figure out how to tap into it. Although, he should probably tell the others that he was awake. He vividly remembered when he heard Gwen walk in and crouch down beside them. Her face was worried and tense as she wiped Arthur’s tears. 

She looked so much older than Merlin had remembered her. Which was funny because the last time Merlin, the real Merlin, had seen Gwen, she was over eighty years old. It was something about the sadness etched into her eyes and the lines on her forehead. She was still just as beautiful and warm, though, and Merlin hated that he’d put her through this. Just because his stupid brain decided to forget everything he wished to remember the most.

Merlin crept out of the cave, not daring to go near the crystals. He’d had enough of them. His memory of entering the cave was fuzzy. Everything was fuzzy, really. But as he left the cave and glanced up to see the towering structure above, he instantly knew where he was. Avalon.

The island seemed abandoned at first glance. But he could see blue, glittering lights at the shore and if he strained his ears, he could hear distant laughter. He followed the sound. He made his way through the field of apple trees. He remembered Gauis telling him that Avalon was also called the Isle of Apples, and Merlin honestly found that pretty interesting. He couldn’t tell when Gauis had told him, though. He guessed that having so many memories shoved into his head at the same time messed up his sense of what happened when. 

Everything he’d gone through in his entire life, from being born to growing up to Ealdor, to Camelot, was as vivid as the day it happened. It was startling in a way. He remembered everything. He could remember his mother’s eyes when she lifted him for the first time and Will’s smile when he helped Merlin with some bullies. He could remember the first time he used his magic, terrifying his mother in the process and that unfamiliar feeling of pure power that was as clear as the day it happened. He remembered the way the wind blew harshly through his hair as he waved goodbye to his mother and set off to Camelot.

But along with that, he could remember the last, broken smile that Will had given him on his deathbed and the dying look in Freya’s eyes as she went limp off the shore of Avalon. He could see the pride in his father’s eyes like he had died just yesterday. And if he closed his eyes, he could still feel the weight of reality as Percival gripped his arm and proclaimed Gwaine dead. He could feel the leathery paper of the letter from Ealdor that said his mother had died. He could still hear Gwen’s quiet, broken laugh as she promised Merlin that she would be back one day.

And more than anything, he could feel the leather of Arthur’s glove on the back of his neck and the regretful look in his eyes. He could feel the cold, wet dirt beneath them and the harsh flapping of wings as Kilgharaah landed on the shore. He could feel the water lap against his skin and the cool touch of Arthur’s forehead beneath his palm and the fire that lit on the wooden boat. The same fire that burned away everything Merlin had known. 

Merlin exhaled shakily, leaning against one of the apple trees. It seemed like everything was fading away but becoming startlingly clear at the same time. His heart pounded in his chest and Merlin could barely think through the flood of visions and touches and feeling and every single second of his life being lived through over and over and over—

_ -~-~-~-~- _

Lancelot stood up, abruptly, startling Gwaine who was beside him. “I’m going to go see Merlin.”

Gwaine’s smile faded ever-so-slightly. “Arthur’s with him.”

Lancelot looked up at a few of the younger Sidhe, them being nearly a thousand years old, and waved, allowing them to continue their entertaining magic.

“He’s hogged Merlin long enough,” Lancelot said, clapping Gwaine on the shoulder and making his way to the cave. 

The moment he stepped into the apple tree field, he had the sudden feeling that something was wrong. 

“Lance.” Gwen jogged over. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Something’s wrong.” He murmured, looking around. “Can’t you feel that?”

Gwen frowned. “Feel what?”

“That’s Merlin’s magic. I know his magic. Something’s wrong.” Lancelot burst into a run, ignoring Gwen who called after him. He darted into the cave and froze.

Gwen crashed into him from behind. “What—”

“He’s gone.” Lancelot gasped. “Gwen, he’s gone.”

Gwen winced, staring at Arthur’s lone form. “Um—”

Lancelot turned around, furrowing his eyebrows. “Um? What does that mean? Where the hell is Merlin?”

Gwen looked away, scratching the skin at her wrist. “Look, he didn’t want me to tell you all, yet. I guess he woke up—”

“He didn’t want you to? Since when the hell was he awake?” Lancelot asked, gaping at Gwen.

Gwen flashed him a nervous smile. “Surprise?”

“Are- are you serious? He’s awake?”

Gwen’s smile faded into something softer. “Yeah, Lance. He’s okay.”

A sudden breath left him. “Oh thank god. What the hell, Gwen? Where is he now?”

“He has to be with the others—”

Gwen broke off as a yell echoed from outside.

“Guys! Shit. It’s Merlin.”

Lancelot cursed and pushed past Gwen to rush over. He skidded to the stop in the middle of the apple field, where Lancelot had just missed Merlin on his way over.

Gwaine was kneeling over Merlin, who was collapsed under a tree. “Hey! Blue fairy people! Or not people, whatever.”

Lancelot dropped to his knees. “Oh my god, Merlin.”

Gwen knelt down beside him. “Oh no, Merlin. You idiot. What did you do?”

Gwaine carefully checked his heartbeat and worried over his clothes. “What the hell happened? Did he wake up?”

“According to Gwen, yes. Apparently, he told her to not tell anyone so he could surprise us or something. God, I should have known. He did the same thing when we were fighting off the Dochra and I nearly gave Arthur a heart attack.” Lancelot muttered and brushed a hand over his forehead.

“Careful.” Evaine appeared over Merlin, startling Gwaine. “He’s okay.”

“Okay?” Gwaine retorted. “He’s passed out in the middle of an apple field!”

Lancelot carefully scooped up Merlin. “Didn’t know you would care so much, Gwaine. You’re the one who's been having the time of his life this past week.” 

Gwaine froze. “What?”

“Don’t be ignorant.” Lancelot snapped. “You haven’t even visited Merlin once.”

“He’s going to be a bit woozy for a while. He went from remembering nothing to remembering absolutely everything that ever happened in his life. He doesn’t know how to cope.” Evaine leaned against her scepter, her eyes flitting from Lancelot to Gwaine. 

Lancelot pulled Merlin closer to him. “He’ll be fine. I’m going to get him back into the cave.”

Lancelot moved away, trekking through the sparse trees. Behind him, Gwen smacked Gwaine’s arm. “Go with them, you idiot.”

Gwaine muttered something under his breath and jogged to catch up with Lancelot.

~-~-~-~

“I realize that maybe you were Merlin’s favorite knight or- or the most trusted knight but he was my friend too.” A sharp voice, Gwaine, Arthur realized, yelled. “Do you know how hard it is for me to come here and see him like this and to be able to do nothing about it?”

“You can do something about it.” Lancelot growled. “You be there for him and stop acting like everything is fine and you’re living the time of your life. This has nothing to do with trust. Merlin didn’t tell me because he trusted me, Gwaine, he told me because I caught him doing magic. He never would’ve told me otherwise.”

Arthur groaned and opened his eyes. Merlin fell asleep beside him, the sight sending a dark pang through his heart. Gwaine and Lancelot were arguing just a few feet away. At Arthur’s groan, they both whirled towards him. “Yeah, keep yelling at each other. That’ll make Merlin wake up.”

Lancelot rushed over. “You’re awake.”

“You certainly took your sweet time, Princess.” Gwaine moved slower, making his way over.

“How long has it been?”

“It’s been nearly ten hours, Arthur. You need to eat something.” Lancelot murmured.

Arthur glanced over at Merlin, who was breathing steadily. “I can’t—”

“Arthur, he woke up,” Gwaine said, softly, making Arthur jump.

“What?”

Lancelot shot Gwaine a dirty look but continued. “He woke up some time ago. Gwen saw him. He’s just a little overwhelmed with everything and didn’t stay awake for long. He’s going to be fine, Arthur.”

Arthur looked from Gwaine to Lancelot as if trying to gauge whether he was telling the truth or not. He twisted over to face Merlin, holding his breath. “Merlin?”

Gwaine’s hand slid to grip Arthur’s bicep. “Leave him. He’s been through a lot. He just needs rest. You, on the other hand, need to eat. Come on, we have some leftover pizza.”

“Pizza?”

Gwaine suddenly grinned. “You have no idea the things that magic can do. It’s the coolest thing.”

Arthur blinked. “I am not eating magic pizza.”

Lancelot scoffed and pulled Arthur to his feet. “Well, unless you want some apples and grass for lunch, then that’s all we got. Come on. Let Merlin rest.”

Arthur glanced back. “He actually woke up? And talked to Gwen?”

“Yeah. Go see Gwen. I’m sure she’ll tell you.” Gwaine gave Arthur a slight shove.

Arthur hesitated but left quickly after another shove. The moment they were alone, Lancelot whirled back to Gwaine. “Merlin loves you. You know that. You can be angry and you can be sad but don’t abandon him. He’s lost so many people. Don’t be ashamed of showing Merlin that you love him. Stop acting like this isn’t affecting you. It’s breaking us all. You’re not alone.”

Lancelot stormed out, leaving Gwaine alone in the cave. He sucked in a breath and looked over at Merlin. He fell to his knees next to Merlin, ignoring the tears that started to clog his throat. “Hey, Merls. Wake up soon, yeah? We miss you.”

And when Gwaine slipped his hand into Merlin’s, he watched as his fingers twitched just the slightest bit. Almost like a reassurance.

“Gwaine.” Percival peeked inside, his eyes worried. “You coming?”

Gwaine swallowed and moved back. He watched, hoping that Merlin’s fingers would move again, but he was still.

“Gwaine. Come on. We’ll check in on him later.” Percival carefully looped his arms around Gwaine and pulled him to his feet.

Gwaine managed a nod. “I miss him. I miss him so much.”

Percival merely tucked Gwaine into his chest and nosed through his hair. “I know. I know.”

_ \--0-o-0-- _

When Merlin woke up again, he was alone. The only light in the cave was the soft blue glow of the crystals around him. He carefully sat up and looked around. He was sitting on thick blankets that were laid out on the ground of the cave. The entrance was a couple dozen feet away and suddenly Merlin felt so very small.

He pushed himself to his feet and stumbled, the world tilting dangerously to the side. He leaned on the wall and looked over at the crystals. Before he could think better of it, he reached over and touched one, smoothing a hand over the glittering surface. When he peered inside, all he was a distorted reflection of himself. 

He pulled away, making his way to the edge of the cave, and looked out. The sky was a dark purple and the sun had already disappeared below the horizon. Bright stars peeked out from behind the clouds but the moon was nowhere to be seen. Merlin carefully trekked through the apple fields again and tried his hardest not to think about anything. If he was being honest, he was terrified of seeing the others. Of seeing Morgana. Of seeing Arthur.

He leaned heavily against the large trees and looked over to see a large clearing. There was a bonfire in the center and people were scattered around it. Small blue fairies floated about. The Sidhe, Merlin realized. He’d only caught a glimpse of a Sidhe in their true form when he’d eavesdropped on the man who was trying to sacrifice Arthur all those years ago. Gaius had told him that the lake of Avalon was only seen by mortals just before death. And well, Merlin wasn’t mortal.

He crept closer hidden in the shadows and caught on to their conversation.

“Yeah!” An unfamiliar voice laughed. “It’s not as weird to me because growing up, I’ve always heard the tales of the great warlock Emrys. I’ve always looked up to him. Even if he never knew I existed.”

“You’re what? A thousand years old?” Merlin stiffened at the voice. Gwaine.

The boy smiled in the low light. “A little bit older. You tend to lose track of it after you're over two-hundred years old.”

Merlin inched closer and moved up behind the man sitting nearest to him. Lancelot, if he wasn’t mistaken. The light was low enough that no one noticed him coming close. A few of the Sidhe stopped to glance up, clearing sensing his magic, but they didn’t give him away. 

“So you’ve never met Merlin?” Leon asked. 

“No. After Camelot fell, a few dozen years after the Once and Future Queen died,” The boy nodded to Gwen, whose cheeks flushed. “Emrys left. Nobody really knows where. He wondered about the earth, watching everything around him crash and fall and rise in the everlasting cycle of life.”

Merlin slipped onto the edge of the log that Lancelot was perched on, careful to stay hidden in the shadows.

“That sounds awfully exhausting,” Gwaine muttered and took a swig of alcohol.

Merlin spoke up before he realized he was talking. “It was extremely exhausting, thank you very much.”

_ \--o-0-o-- _

When Gwaine first heard the voice, he thought he was dreaming. The drink in his hand nearly slipped as his head snapped up. Merlin was sitting next to Lancelot on the log across from him. His face was nearly unreadable but there was a twinkle in his eyes that he hadn’t seen in a while.

Lancelot hadn’t moved, just dumbly gaping at Merlin. An almost teasing smile spread over his face and he swayed closer. “Careful, Lance. There’s a lot of flies around.”

Lancelot made a strangled sound in his throat. “Merlin.”

Gwaine wanted to say something but it felt like someone had filled his mouth with sand.

Ascalon let out a gasp, jerking forward to drop to his knees before Merlin. “Emrys.”

Merlin gave a startled laugh and leaned down to drag the boy to his feet. “None of that, please.”

Ascalon’s eyes shone and Gwaine dimly wondered how Merlin became a person who people kneeled before. “Emrys. Are you alright?”

Merlin gripped his shoulders tilting his head. “I’ve been better. What’s your name?”

“I’m Ascalon. I’ve always looked up to you and to meet you in person is the coolest thing to ever happen to me and I think I’m losing my mind.”

“In the hundreds of years you’ve been alive, meeting me is the coolest thing.” Merlin's voice was incredulous like he couldn’t believe someone actually looked up to him.

Ascalon shrugged. “You’re really cool.”

Merlin seemed to hold back a snicker. “I guess I should thank you. You are the reason I remember, right?”

“It wasn’t just me. I helped but really the elders did most of the work. And Arthur, of course.”

An almost scared look washed over Merlin’s face at the mention of Arthur, but it was gone within a second. “Oh?”

Ascalon pulled back. “Yeah. Speaking of which, I should let you catch up instead of hogging your attention. I’ll just…” He trailed off, laughing awkwardly before shifting into a small fairy and flying away.

Gwaine watched as Merlin’s throat bobbed nervously. “I—”

Merlin suddenly stumbled and Gwaine was up and moving before he knew it. “Merlin. You okay?”

Out of the corner of his eye, Arthur seemed to come to his senses and launch to his feet but Gwaine shot him a warning look, stilling Arthur in his tracks. 

Merlin cursed pushing back. Gwaine carefully raised him to his feet. “Come on. You need to rest.”

“I just woke up. I’m not—”

“Hey. I don’t think seeing all of us at the same time is good for you. Your mind is barely coping as it is.”

“Thanks,” Merlin muttered.

Gwaine swallowed his anxiety and let Merlin rest his entire weight on him. “Let’s get you back to the cave.”

Lancelot stood up. “I’ll help.”

“It’s fine, Lance. His brain is overheating. Let me take care of him.” Gwaine moved forward but Lance stopped him.

“We’re all here to help. Don’t be selfish. Let me—”

“I’m not being selfish. No one else did anything. We’re not helping him like this.” Gwaine snapped.

“And what? You think that you can avoid him for a week and come off as the noble hero who takes care of him?” 

“Oh my god, can you guys shut up?” Merlin growled, pushing off of Gwaine. “I can make my own way back.”

Gwaine stepped forward. “Merlin—”

Merlin shot Gwaine a dark look that pierced through him. “Don’t. You’re right. This is too much. I’m going back to the cave.”

“But—”

Merlin turned and stormed off, tripping over himself. Lancelot moved forward but Merlin scrambled to his feet and staggered off, disappearing in the dark. 

“You two are such idiots,” Elyan growled, stomping forward. “What is wrong with you guys?”

“I was just trying to help.” Gwaine snapped. “Lancelot was the one who—”

“That’s enough.” Gwen’s voice was harsh and silenced them instantly. “Elyan, go after Merlin. You two need to figure your shit out. Merlin has enough to worry about as it is.”

“Come on, Gwen. Don’t act like you didn’t sit there gaping like the rest of us.” Lancelot muttered, instantly regretting it when Gwen stepped forward into his space. 

“Really? I’m so sorry if my best friend woke up from a life-threatening nap and I needed time to gather my thoughts. At least I didn’t go and yell about him to you and scare him off.” Gwen snarled.

“I never—”

“Stop it!” Percival’s voice was louder and angrier than anyone had ever heard it. “Stop fighting with each other. Elyan already left and is with Merlin but if we want to help Merlin get better, you can’t do this. It’s been a hard week for all of us but if you can’t handle this then leave. I’ve had it with you guys.”

The camp was dead silent. Gwaine winced, moving forward. “Perce—”

“No. We were all friends with Merlin, alright? I don’t know is with you all but Merlin has enough to worry about as is and your relentless fighting isn’t helping the situation. 

Lancelot clenched his teeth. “I need to go take a walk.”

Gwaine rolled his eyes. “Yeah, ok.”

“Stop acting all high and mighty.” Lancelot shot him a dark look. “You’re not the only one who’s getting sick and tired of this. I just— I need some air.”

Lancelot stormed off, Gwen quickly jogging after him. Percival let out a breath and sat back down, dropping his head in his hands. Gwaine looked up and met Arthur’s gaze, who still seemed to be in shock. Leon looked wildly uncomfortable and Morgana, if anything, just looked amused at the situation. Gwaine sat down beside Percival. “I’m sorry. I just really miss Merlin.”

Percival let out a bitter chuckle. “Yeah? Well, there are better ways to show that. Don’t push away the people that are here because you miss someone who’s not.”

Gwaine leaned against his side. “Lancelot started it.”

Percival shot him a dark look and Gwaine winced. “Sorry.”

-~-~-~-~

When Elyan found Merlin, he was curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth like a child, murmuring nonsense to himself. Elyan inched forward, trying his hardest not to scare him. “Merlin.”

Merlin didn’t reply, instead burying himself further in his arms. Elyan crouched down beside him and flinched back when Merlin raised his head, his eyes bloodshot. “Why’d you bring me back?”

Elyan froze at his soft, trembling voice. “What?”

“Why did you give my memories back? I never asked for them. I would’ve been fine wandering aimlessly and doing my thing. I don’t need this.”

Elyan carefully wrapped an arm around his small body. “We came back for a reason, Merlin. We came back to save you.”

A bitter snort escaped Merlin. “I didn’t need saving. My mind wasn’t made to hold all these memories. That’s why I forgot.”

“Merlin—”

“Do you remember the day you were born? Do you remember your mother’s face and her eyes and her tears?”

Elyan swallowed. “I don’t.”

“I do. I remember all of it. From the moment I opened my eyes to now. Every single memory and thought and touch and feeling that I’ve had for hundreds of years. This is not just Camelot, Elyan. This is everything in between. All the days after Camelot fell when I wandered the world. I remember every single person I met every single thing I touched and it’s all in the most vivid detail as if it happened just a few seconds ago rather than hundreds of years.” Merlin’s eyes fluttered closed, his face twisted painfully.

“I can’t imagine what that’s like for you. But I know that if anyone can survive this—”

“You’re wrong. I’m not strong. I’m not capable.” A lone tear slid down Merlin’s cheek. “Why couldn’t you have let me go? I could’ve been peaceful and ignorant to the real world and I could’ve faded back into the earth without a worry in the world—”

Elyan squeezed Merlin’s arms. “Come on. That’s not you, Merlin. You weren’t peaceful. You were on the edge and blissfully ignorant but that’s not peace. We never had enough time back in Camelot. This is our second chance to make things right. I would’ve thought that you of all people would take this chance to make amends.”

Merlin gave a broken laugh. “I don’t give a shit about making amends. I don’t care, Elyan. I really don’t. I just want to go home.”

“You are at home. We spent months trying to get you back and now you’re here. We couldn’t let you go because you’re  _ our _ home. We’re each other's home. And it won’t be easy but we’re going to be there with you. You’ve been alone for so long, Merlin. You’re not alone anymore.” Elyan fought to keep his voice soft and steady.

When Merlin didn’t reply, Elyan pushed on. “You can’t tell that there is nothing you regret about your life in Camelot. We all make mistakes. But at the end of the day, if you can pull yourself up and try to make things right, then you’re already making amends and becoming a better person. Isn’t that why we’re here? To finish what we started?”

“It’s over. The story ended the moment I failed to keep Arthur alive.”

“No. The story has been going. We’re legends, Merlin. Do you know that? People talk about King Arthur and his knights and his most trusted advisor. Why would they talk if the story’s over?”

Merlin shook his head. “Because they’re stuck in the past. They refuse to move forward.”

“If anyone’s stuck in the past, it’s you. The story has not ended. We’re living legends and legends, Merlin, are immortal. Just like you. And whether that’s a blessing or a curse, I don’t know. But do know one thing: this story won’t end until you join us. It’s incomplete without you. If you want to give up and let go of it, then I can’t stop you. But just know that we’re all here for you. You’ve been there for us, for so many years, saving us and protecting us.” Elyan gripped Merlin’s hand, pleading. “Let us return the favor.”

Merlin met Elyan’s gaze. After what felt like an eternity, Merlin squeezed back, the motion sending ripples down Elyan’s arm.

“Don’t do it for me or for Arthur or any of them. Do it for yourself. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you do something for yourself. Let yourself be happy, Merlin. Let yourself be at peace. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.”

Merlin snorted. “I don’t know when you started giving amazing pep-talks but I’m not complaining.”

“It’s not amazing if it doesn’t work.”

A slow, soft smile spread over Merlin’s face. It didn’t reach his eyes but Elyan nearly cried at the sight of it nonetheless. “It’s amazing, Elyan. Trust me.”

_ \--0-o-0-- _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh the ~tension~ 
> 
> At this point, everyone is kind of losing it but DON'T WORRY, next chapter is when Merlin gets used to things and they start talking because this boy got a whole lot to explain.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwaine watched as the butterfly flew away and disappeared as easily as it arrived. “So I never did know you.”
> 
> “I am magic. But that doesn’t mean that magic is me.”
> 
> Gwaine raised an eyebrow. “See, you can’t say things like that and expect me to believe that I know you.”
> 
> “I’m more than just my magic. It took me a while to understand that but I got there. It was too late by then but you did know the real me. You just didn’t know all of me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

“You knocked me out?”

Gwen laughed loudly. “Did you not know? I took a metal pitcher and slammed it against your head. I think you lost several brain cells during that. Clearly.”

Merlin pouted, reaching up to rub his head. “Not my fault. Besides, I’m the one who had to go destroy the thing anyway.”

Gwen rolled her eyes. “Right. You had to go to Morgana as an eighty-year-old man. How was that?”

“Honestly? It wasn’t bad. I actually ran across some of the knights and they recognized me from when I saved your life by admitting that I was the sorcerer who enchanted Arthur to love you.”

Gwen leveled a look at him. “I still can’t believe we even fell for that and nearly killed you. What did you do to the knights?”

“If my memory isn’t bad, I think he used us as step stools.”

The two jumped and turned to where Gwaine had just entered. Gwen muffled a snort. “You did what?”

Merlin's lips quirked up the tiniest bit as he met Gwaine’s gaze. “In my defense, you were going to kill me and I had to go kill a Mother Fommorah so that I didn’t kill Arthur. It was a whole situation.”

Gwaine blinked. “So you didn’t kill Arthur?”

“It’s a long story, Gwaine. Trust me.” Gwen gripped Merlin’s shoulder and pushed herself to her feet. “I’ve been hogging you too long, Merlin.”

Merlin flopped onto his back. “Don’t leave me.”

“Let’s be real, Merlin. You’re only comfortable with me because you already told me most things before I died. I think Gwaine died a bit too early.” Gwen patted his shoulder and moved to Gwaine. “Have fun!”

Merlin muffled a groan and glanced back up at Gwaine. “Are you going to sit down? I would get up but I would probably pass out.”

Gwaine inched forward. “You’re not feeling well?”

“I’m better. But I’m still not where I’d like to be.”

Gwaine carefully lowered himself as they fell into silence. Merlin pulled his legs to his chest and took his time to study Gwaine. He seemed happier than the last time he’d seen him. More relaxed in a way. His hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail and his eyes were trained on the ground. He also seemed so much more reserved. Nothing like the loud, brash man that Merlin had met at the tavern.

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

Merlin blinked. Gwaine hadn’t bothered to look up and meet his gaze. “What I was looking for?”

“Yeah. You told me that you had to find something. It was the last time we talked before I…. you know.”

“I did find it.”

“Do you— would you tell me what you were looking for?” Gwaine’s voice was hesitant.

If Merlin thought hard enough, he could convince himself that he was in the same crystal cave he’d gone to that day. It wasn’t hard. There was the same blue glow and Merlin could almost hear his father’s voice in his head.

_Merlin, you are more than a son of your father. You are the son of the earth, the sea, the sky, magic is the fabric of this world, and you were born of that magic. You are magic itself. You cannot lose what you are._

Merlin could still remember the moment he realized that the power rushing through his veins was still there. He cupped his hand and moved closer to Gwaine. “ _Gewyrc an lif.”_ Merlin opened his palms and a small blue butterfly fluttered over to Gwaine, who gasped at the sight.

The creature settled itself on Gwaine’s finger. Gwaine glanced up at Merlin. “You lost your magic?”

“I thought I did. But you can’t lose what you are, Gwaine.” 

Gwaine watched as the butterfly flew away and disappeared as easily as it arrived. “So I never did know you.”

“I am magic. But that doesn’t mean that magic is me.”

Gwaine raised an eyebrow. “See, you can’t say things like that and expect me to believe that I know you.”

“I’m more than just my magic. It took me a while to understand that but I got there. It was too late by then but you did know the real me. You just didn’t know all of me.”

“And why didn’t you tell me?” Gwaine moved forward. “What did you think I was going to do?”

Merlin shook his head, looking away. “It wasn’t you, Gwaine. I was a coward.”

“So much of a coward you couldn’t tell your best friend the most important thing about you?”

“Gwaine—”

“Merlin, you’re the only one who knows about my father. I’ve told you things that I haven’t even told Percival and I’m in love with the man.” Gwaine’s voice cracked. “I thought that that trust was two-sided.”

Merlin blinked. “You and Percival?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to tell you. I’ve always known that if I could tell anyone, it would be you. I’m sorry that by the time I found my courage, it was too late. I’m sorry that you found out through someone else.”

“I found out after I died.”

A bitter smile curled at his lips. “Yeah. It’s a shame. It took me your death and Arthur’s death and even Percival's death for me to find my courage and to be who I was. I lost myself, Gwaine. I didn’t know who I was without my magic and I never realized that I was so much more than that. Our time got cut short.”

Gwaine met his eyes. “Yeah. It did.”

“I couldn’t tell you who I truly was because I didn’t know. No one did. Not even those who knew about my magic. But I promise you, that I’m here now and after living for so long, you learn some things along the way.” Merlin reached out to grip Gwaine’s knee.

Gwaine stared at his hand. He let out a soft laugh and looked back up. Merlin’s eyes crinkled slightly.

“There you are. I was afraid I was talking with a ghost.” Merlin whispered.

Gwaine snorted and pulled back. “That’s not funny, Merlin.”

Merlin’s smile faltered the slightest bit. “No. It’s not.”

“I understand. I wish that you would’ve found that courage sooner but life isn’t that easy. Obviously. Just let me in, yeah? You were my first real friend. I can’t lose you again.”

Merlin leaned over to tip Gwaine’s chin up. “I’m not going anywhere. But I do require some information. Since when were you and Percival a thing?”

“What? You thought I would be hung up on you forever?” Gwaine teased, ignoring the twinge in his heart.

Merlin tilted his head slightly. “Huh. I thought that was a rumor. I was really the first person you ever loved?”

“I’m pretty sure you were half of Camelot’s first love, Merlin.” Gwaine drawled.

Merlin smirked. “I’m sure. If it’s any consolation, when we first met I had insisted that you sleep in my bed. Funny how you woke up shirtless from a leg wound.”

Gwaine jerked forward. “Shut up. Are you—?”

Merlin suddenly laughed, loud and clear. “Don’t let it go to your head. The attractiveness faded the moment you opened your mouth.”

Gwaine grinned, his first real one in a long time. “You thought I was attractive?”

Merlin leveled a look at him. “Don’t even. Besides, you got Percival now. And he is quite a catch, not going to lie. I mean, those arms—”

Gwaine’s eyes darkened immediately. “Hey. That’s my boyfriend. Those arms are mine.”

Merlin leaned back. “I'm happy for you. Really. I’m glad to see that you got your head out of your ass and settled down.”

Gwaine nudged Merlin slightly. “Says you. I’m told that you’ve been wandering the earth aimlessly for so long and now the love of your life is back and you’re still sitting here with me.”

Merlin’s face flushed. “Which life are you talking about? I’ve lived with thousands of them.”

“Every single one of them, Merlin. Whether you remembered him or not.”

“I would go out but I really can’t take another wave of memories so I think that one at a time is better. And he hasn’t come to visit me so—” 

Gwaine grinned, leaning over to ruffle Merlin’s hair. “Don’t worry your pretty head about it. He’s just being stupid.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “If I’m being honest, I don’t blame him.”

“It’s just Arthur. Besides, if he’s going to do anything when he sees you, it’s break down. He’s been a complete mess without you.”

Merlin looked down. “Yeah, well, that feeling is mutual. Obviously.”

Gwaine couldn’t stop the smile from spreading over his face. “It is mutual, isn't it?”

Merlin snorted. “If you’re asking whether I love him back that’s such a stupid question.”

“So you do remember! I didn’t know because you were kind of losing it and Arthur was just murmuring nonsense and I don’t think he even realized he said it but—” Gwaine broke off, smirking. “Feelings mutual so I don’t see the problem.”

A soft smile played across Merlin’s face. “Yeah.”

Gwaine glanced down. “I’ve missed you.”

Merlin chewed on his bottom lip. “Me too.”

Gwaine leaned over and ruffled Merlin’s hair, the gestures saying all the things he didn’t say aloud. Merlin leaned into the affectionate touch. God, he missed his friends more than he had realized.

_\--0-o-0--_

Gwen heard yelling. She pushed away from Lancelot, groaning. 

“Did Gwaine leave yet?”

Gwen shrugged. “Don’t know. What is the commotion, though?”

The two found Arthur and Morgana near the shore, yelling at each other. Morgana’s lower half was soaked in water and Arthur’s hair looked like he’d been through a tornado. Their voices echoed across the beach.

“You were always a coward weren’t you?” Morgana snarled.

Arthur gave a disbelieving laugh. “I was the coward? You should’ve talked to me, Morgana. Did you truly think I would kill you in cold blood?”

“Why wouldn’t you? You’ve done it for thousands of others.”

“I was young and naive,” Arthur growled. “I’ve made mistakes but I would never have hurt you. If anything, it would've made me realize the good in magic. All you did was show me the evil in it.”

“You’re just determined to see the evil in everything. I was trying to save my people because those like Emrys supported the enemy.”

“You’ve killed and destroyed so many people on your rampage to the throne. You caused more destruction and division that you were trying to fix.” Arthur shouted. “I wasn’t the enemy. I was your friend.”

Morgana snorted. “We were never friends, Arthur.”

“You were brave and kind and had a good heart. You stood up to Uther and called him out whenever he did something wrong but you ended up becoming just like him.” 

Morgana shook her head. “I was nothing like Uther.”

“His blood ran through your veins, Morgana. You never sought peace and unity. You were too selfish to admit you were wrong. All you wanted was power. And you and Uther might have wildly different beliefs when it comes to magic, but let’s be honest. Like father like daughter, right?”

“I think the phrase goes ‘like father like son.’” Morgana stalked forward.

“Unlike you, I can admit my faults and downfalls. You would rather die than surrender.” Arthur paused, tilting his head. “Oh, wait. You did.”

Morgana lashed out, her eyes flooding the most brilliant gold. Arthur crashed into the water, all the breath leaving him at once. “You—”

“Morgana!” Gwen yelled and bolted down to them. “What is wrong with you?”

Morgana snarled and backed away. Arthur rose to the surface, sputtered. “What did I do to you?” His hair matted to his forehead and his clothes were dripping. “What is it that I did that made you hate me so much?”

Arthur’s voice trembled and Gwen wondered whether his face was wet from the lake or his own tears. “You wanted to see me dead, Morgana. You didn’t care for my life. We grew up together. I’m sorry if I wasn’t a better brother but just tell me. What did I do to make you hate me so much? What the hell did I do?” 

Arthur's voice rose to a thunderous yell, his eyes sparkling with more anger than Gwen had ever seen.

Morgana stormed forward. “You watched as Uther murdered thousands of innocent lives before you. You watched it and fed it and encouraged it. You did nothing, Arthur. Saving a couple of lives here and there doesn’t change anything. Do you know how many families were destroyed and ruined? If Uther would listen to anyone, it would you. But instead, you followed him around like a puppet, didn’t you?”

Arthur stalked up the shore. “You—”

“Arthur.” Gwen shoved him back by the chest. “Stop it! That’s enough.”

Morgana gave a heavy breath and then turned to storm away. She paused and then called back to Arthur. “Don’t be a fucking coward, Pendragon. Talk to him.”

Arthur let out a breath and ran a sharp hand through his wet hair.

Gwen rolled her eyes and shoved Arthur in the direction of the cave. “Go.”

Arthur winced. “Guine—”

She leveled him a dark look. “He’s been waiting for you, Arthur. Don’t make it a bigger deal than it has to be.”

_\--0-o-0--_

Arthur carefully stepped into the cave. Gwen had barely given him time to dry off so his clothes were uncomfortably clinging to him and his hair was sticking up wildly. At the far end of the cave was Merlin. He was wrapped up in his blankets and sitting up against the wall. His eyes were closed and he looked the most peaceful Arthur had ever seen.

Arthur crept forward and stopped in front of Merlin. Before he could think to sit down, Merlin's eyes cracked open, revealing its bright blue color. Arthur started back slightly. Merlin’s lips curled up. “Took you long enough, my lord.”

Arthur was speaking before he could even consider his words. “You’re one to talk. It took you nearly two months to remember us.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Did you forget about the fifteen-hundred years before that or are you just being prat about it?”

Arthur’s heart stumbled at the insult. “You know me, Merlin.”

Merlin’s eyes shone. “I do. So are you going to give me a hug or stand up there like an idiot all day?”

Arthur’s knees buckled beneath him until they were face to face. Merlin made no effort to move forward or help him, seemingly content with raking his eyes across Arthur’s face. Arthur lurched forward until they were just inches apart. His fingers were suddenly trailing across Merlin’s cheekbones and the bridge of his nose. Merlin shuddered beneath the cool touch. Arthur smoothed his hands over Merlin’s lean shoulder and easily looped around his thin waist. Merlin fit seamlessly into his frame and Arthur tucked his face into his neck, breathing in the pure scent of Merlin.

Merlin curled into him, the sheets pooling at his hips. Merlin’s long fingers were suddenly pulling at his hair and running over his broad shoulders and Arthur nearly cried at the familiar touch.

“Merlin.” He murmured. “Merlin. Merlin. Oh, gods.”

Merlin laughed softly, his breath hot against Arthur’s ear. He squeezed tighter before pulling back, loosening his grip. Merlin’s hands trailed from Arthur’s hair to his neck and then the pad of his thumb was brushing against his parted lips. Arthur sucked in a breath and tried to ignore his hammering heart.

“You’re soaking. Jeez, Arthur. You’re going to get a cold if you don’t change.”

“Is this your way of asking me to take off my clothes?” Arthur muttered, nudging his nose against Merlin’s.

Merlin choked on a laugh, pulling back. Arthur felt a flush rise in his cheeks, the air going hot as he realized what he said. “Not that you want me to. I mean, I would never—”

Merlin dropped his hands to Arthur’s hips, his eyes twinkling with amusement. “As amazing as that sounds, I doubt that’s the best idea right now.”

He pulled at the blankets around him. “Cover up. You’re shivering.”

Arthur gratefully pulled the sheets around him and nestled closer to Merlin. “Are you really here? Do you remember me?”

Merlin’s lips curled. “I could never forget you, my king. My dollophead.”

“Clotpole,” Arthur murmured, letting his eyes fall shut.

“That’s my word.” Merlin relaxed around him, letting Arthur slump forward. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

Arthur jerked up to meet Merlin’s eyes. “Don’t ever apologize to me again. I don’t want to hear it. If anything, I should apologize to you. The amount of suffering I put you through—”

“You didn’t put me through anything. I brought that upon myself. I chose you from the moment we met. And I don’t regret a single thing. Everything I was, everything I am, it’s for you. It’s all yours.”

Arthur sighed. “I’m not worth all that.”

Merlin tucked a loose strand of hair behind Arthur’s ear. “You have no idea the things you're worth, Arthur Pendragon. I wouldn’t have waited this long for just anyone.”

Arthur leaned into the touch. “There are so many things I don’t know. I wish I had more time to get to know you.”

“You do now. We have all the time in the world. You deserve to know everything I’ve done.” Merlin whispered.

“I sure hope so. I’m so tired.”

Merlin adjusted their positions until they were comfortably leaning against each other. “Don’t rush. I’ll tell you everything. Just sleep. I’m back for good. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

Arthur closed his eyes and inhaled slowly. “Don’t leave me again.”

“As long as you want me, I’m here. Just promise you won’t leave me either.”

Arthur smiled against his neck. “Come on, Merlin. The world could be crashing down around us and even that couldn’t pull me away from you. I’m never leaving you again.”

Merlin tilted his head and pressed a feather-light kiss to the nape of Arthur’s neck and snuggled closer. The two didn’t move for a while, content with being tucked up against each other like two children afraid of the dark. They would talk in the morning, but until then, the warlock and former king basked in the glory of what once was. And the glory of what was to come. For nothing, not even destiny could stop the golden legends from getting their happily ever after.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This felt kind of sloppily put together but I hope it wasn't too terrible. I physically couldn't write this story for what felt like so long (it was like 2 days but I'm dramatic) and I'm just glad I got something written down. Let me know how it was in the comments! Thanks for reading <3


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You can’t lose your magic. You either have it or you don’t. And you, unfortunately, have it. Now, do you want me to help you or not? I’m more than happy to let you suffer with Ascalon.”
> 
> Morgana pressed her lips together, a sudden wave of anger crashing over her. Evidently, Merlin caught sight of the look on her face and smirked. An almost playful look washed over his face. “Come on, Morgana. You do have magic, no?”
> 
> Morgana scoffed. “I’m not doing this. I don’t need your fucking help.”
> 
> She turned to leave when Merlin called out again. “Never took you for a coward.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

Lancelot nearly had a heart attack when he caught sight of Merlin by the shore. He was seated on top of a large rock and his eyes were unfocused, deep in thought. Lancelot moved forward and wadded into the shallow water. He pulled himself up beside Merlin and grinned when Merlin jumped at the movement.

“Hey.” Lancelot held his breath, bracing himself.

Merlin gaped at him for half a second before he lurched forward and tackled Lancelot into the water. They both crashed into the ground, instantly getting soaked.

“Lancelot. You fucking bastard.” Merlin shoved him up onto the shore and pinned him to the sand.

Lancelot snorted. “Nice to see you too.”

Merlin pushed his wrists further into the sand. “I’m going to kill you.”

Lancelot winced at the pressure. “Not my fault. Gwaine and Arthur hogged you all of yesterday and I didn’t get any time to visit.”

“Serves you right,” Merlin growled and then shoved off Lancelot to toppled into the sand beside him. “I can’t believe you.”

Lancelot turned over to face Merlin. “I’m sorry.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “No, you’re not. You’re too noble for that. You don’t regret a thing.”

“I didn’t do it for Gwen, you know.” 

Merlin swallowed roughly and turned away, deflating instantly. “I know. That just makes everything worse.”

“And what type of friend would I be if I let you sacrifice yourself? You and Arthur still had so much to accomplish. I couldn’t take you away from that.”

“You left me, Lance. You were really the only person I ever confided in. And after you died, I don’t know what happened to me.” Merlin murmured, moving to sit up.

Lancelot followed, nudging Merlin’s shoulder. “I did what I thought was right. I knowingly gave myself up because of the future that you and Arthur had to build together. ”

Merlin shook his head. “I failed. I lost my way and Arthur and I never built the golden kingdom. Gwen did.”

“Don’t be an idiot, Merlin. Just because Gwen legalized magic doesn’t mean she built it. She couldn’t have done all she did if you and Arthur hadn’t carved the path for her.”

“That’s bullshit. It was my destiny to protect Arthur. And he died before we could do anything.”

“No. Your destiny was to unite the lands. And you did. Indirectly or directly.”

Merlin opened his mouth in protest but Lancelot cut him off. “Don’t argue with me. You can’t change my mind.”

Merlin sighed and looked down. “You can believe what you want, Lance. But let’s be honest. You were the only reason I stayed sane all those years.”

“That wasn’t me, Merlin. You were never alone. You just believe you were. But the past doesn’t matter anymore. We’re all here now. For you.”

Merlin lets out a shuddering breath and falls against Lancelot. “I’ve missed you.”

Lancelot slipped an arm around his waist and squeezed. “What are you doing outside?”

“It felt claustrophobic. To be trapped in there with all the crystals and the memories and I just had to get out.” Merlin said.

“Where’s Arthur?”

“Sleeping, probably. I couldn’t rest so I left.” 

Lancelot pursed his lips, looking over the lake. “Thank you.”

Merlin looked up. “Whatever for?”

“You gave me a life. You brought me to Camelot and without you I would just be roaming aimlessly across the earth, wasting my life.” Lancelot stifled a sigh. 

“It’s the least I could do. Granted, I was selfish because I needed a friend. I’m just glad you were happy there. Though most of it was probably Gwen.”

Lancelot’s cheeks flushed. “How did you—”

“She told me. And don’t think I didn’t see the way you two looked at each other in Camelot. Gwen never looked at Arthur like that.”

Lancelot hummed softly. “No, she didn’t. You were the one who freed me from Morgana’s magic, right? When I was the shade?”

“I was. You were already dead and I couldn’t let you go all tainted with her magic. I wanted you to be at peace. It was one of the cruelest things Morgana did. I was selfish. Then again, I was always when it came to you.”

“You were never selfish. I’m just sorry you had to go through that.” Lancelot murmured.

Merlin closed his eyes, not bothering to reply.

“Have you talked to her yet?”

Merlin snorted. “No. I don’t have the emotional capacity for that right now. Seeing Arthur again was hard enough. He’s changed. He’s so much more vulnerable.”

“Can’t blame him. I’m honestly surprised you're okay. I’ve always known you were strong but this is another level.”

“I’m not strong. I just wasn’t done with you all yet.” Merlin looked up and met Lancelot’s gaze.

Lancelot smiled. “You’re the bravest of us all, Merlin. I’m surprised you still don’t see it.”

“It’s easy to be brave when I have people like you to fall back on.” Merlin’s lips quirked up the tiniest bit, his shoulders relaxing slightly. “It’s easier than I thought.”

“Do you have your magic back?”

Merlin grinned, flexing his fingers. “It never left. It’s a bit wonky but I can control it fine.”

“You know, Morgana isn’t able to control her magic anymore. She’s actually taking lessons from Ascalon.”

Merlin snorted. “Good for her. Now she knows how it feels.”

“If I show you, will you pass out again?”

Merlin looked up. “Oh no. You’re not bringing me to her.”

Lancelot grinned, tugging Merlin to his feet. “Come on. You’ve done plenty of stupid things and this is where you back out?”

Merlin stalled, digging his feet into the sand. “I- Lance, I’m serious.”

“I am too. It’s been more than a few days since you woke up and this is the first time you’ve come out. You can’t avoid her forever. And don’t blame it on your brain, alright? You know it’s not that.”

Merlin’s gaze fell to his feet. 

“You brought her back for a reason, yes? You wanted to make amends with her. It’s been so long and I get that you’re angry but you’ve got to let it go.” Lancelot prodded softly.

Merlin bit the inside of his cheek. “In my defense, most of the past few days I was sleeping.”

“And the rest of it was you flirting with Arthur so come on.”

Merlin sputtered. “Hey—”

Lancelot rolled his eyes and pulled Merlin along. They heard Morgana before they saw her. Reaching up to the clearing, Lancelot followed the sound of Morgana’s frustrated yell. Merlin followed curiously and watched as Ascalon stepped closer to Morgana, trying to urge her to copy his movements.

“Has she used her magic since?”

Lancelot furrowed his eyebrows. “She did shove Arthur into the lake during an argument. God, she was pissed off.”

“So it’s triggered by her emotions.” Merlin watched as Morgana growled in frustration. “We just have to get her angry.”

Lancelot raised an eyebrow. “And how do you suppose we do that?”

Merlin gave Lancelot a knowing look.

“Oh, hell no. That’s a terrible idea.”

Merlin winked and turned back to Morgana. “Kill two birds with one stone, yeah? It’ll be fine.”

“Merlin—” Lancelot hissed but Merlin broke through the bushes and entered the clearing.

_\--0-o-0--_

Morgana squeezed her eyes shut and focused on Ascalon’s soft words. She repeated the spell and thrust out with her arms. There was barely a shift in the air. Ascalon was silent. Morgana groaned and opened her eyes to find Ascalon wasn’t even focused on her, but rather a point behind. “Ascalon.”

He jumped. turning back towards Morgana, an almost nervous look flashing over his features. “Yes. That was great.”

Morgana blinked. “I didn’t even—”

“So we’re trying to manipulate air, right? Just focus on what’s around you. On what you’re breathing.” 

Morgana dropped her hands to her hips. “What the hell do you think I’ve been doing?”

Ascalon winced, rubbing his hands on his pants. “You’re not paying attention. Do it again. And keep your eyes open this time.”

Morgana clenched her teeth and brought her hands up. She moved to do the spell when a sudden breeze went by and air twisted before her. Morgana stumbled back. “Hey. I’m supposed to do the spell.”

“That’s not me, Morgana,” Ascalon whispered.

For a moment she wondered if it was her own magic that was acting up. Morgana blinked at the mini-whirlwind for a few tortuously long moments before she realized whose magic it was. And her blood ran cold at the familiar sensation.

“You’re focusing on the spell, not the actual thing you’re trying to manipulate. That’s your problem.”

Morgana stiffened, not daring to turn around. Ascalon's face was lit up and Morgana suddenly realized why he’d gotten so suddenly distracted. Of course. He worshipped Merlin like some kind of god. Or rather, he worshipped Emrys.

“If you don’t mind, Ascalon, I’d like to try with her.” Merlin strode right past her and Morgana could barely hold back her flinch at the movement.

Ascalon was already nodding. “Yes. Of course. I haven’t trained many people before and I’m afraid I’m not very good at this.”

Merlin laughed. “Don’t worry. She’s a special case. I have an idea to get her magic back.”

Merlin turned on his heel and faced her. For a moment, Morgana could fool herself into thinking that Merlin was relaxed. But she could see the underlying discomfort and fear in his eyes. She could see the tenseness of his shoulders and the way his movements were steady and practiced like he couldn’t afford to let himself go.

Merlin watched her curiously. ”How are you feeling?”

Morgana swallowed, trying to gather her thoughts. “I wouldn’t expect you to know.”

“I do know, actually. I have had my magic taken away before.”

“Funny. So have I.” Morgana retorted. She could still remember that day like it was yesterday. She had known from the moment she caught sight of Emrys within the castle that everything was going to go wrong. She had everything planned out to the moment when Arthur and the others burst through the door. And her magic had failed right in front of him. Right in front of Merlin.

Something dark flashed across his face. “So you’re used to the feeling, then?”

Morgana took a step forward, dragging her gaze over his face. “Not exactly. I don’t think I ever will be.”

Merlin followed, moving forward. His eyes flared and Morgana was staggering back at the sudden action. She’d never seen Merlin really use magic before. At least not as himself. But for some reason, seeing this was more terrifying than seeing the old man use magic. It was unnerving. She was still wrapping her head around the fact that Merlin, a useless servant, was Emrys.

The air in between them swirled and whipped up pieces of grass and leaves. Merlin pushed forward and the wind blew dangerously close to her eyes. Morgana sputtered and shielded her eyes as the storm calmed.

“I don’t need your stupid lessons. Ascalon was doing fine.”

“Ascalon is used to training younger Sidhe and emotionally competent people. You don’t fit the mold, Morgana.” Merlin said.

Morgana scowled. “How do you have your magic? You haven’t used it in years.”

“You can’t lose your magic. You either have it or you don’t. And you, unfortunately, have it. Now, do you want me to help you or not? I’m more than happy to let you suffer with Ascalon.”

Morgana pressed her lips together, a sudden wave of anger crashing over her. Evidently, Merlin caught sight of the look on her face and smirked. An almost playful look washed over his face. “Come on, Morgana. You do have magic, no?”

Morgana scoffed. “I’m not doing this. I don’t need your fucking help.”

She turned to leave when Merlin called out again. “Never took you for a coward.”

Morgana froze, her heart thumping in her ears. She glanced back to see Merlin’s lips twitch ever so slightly. He arched a challenging eyebrow.

“I’m the coward?”

“You’re the one who helped bring me back. Was that all for nothing or you actually going to talk to me?”

“It’s been nearly a week and you're just now coming to talk to me.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve been a bit busy with trying to cope with thousands of memories being shoved into my head at the same time.” Merlin moved forward. “What’s your excuse?”

Morgana met his eyes. “Why are you helping me anyways?”

Merlin shrugged. “I’m tired of this, Morgana. I know how it’s like to be without your magic. It’s like you’ve lost a part of yourself and it's terrifying. It makes you feel defenseless. Don’t get me wrong, you still made many mistakes, but no one should go through that feeling. As selfish as it sounds.”

“‘I’ve made mistakes?’”

“I love how you chose to focus on that instead of anything else. Yes, you’ve made many mistakes. Here I was expecting an apology.” Merlin snarked, his eyes twinkling with mischief that scared Morgana more than she’d like to admit.

Morgana snorted, moving forward. “An apology. For what? Doing what’s right?”

“If you think that ruthlessly murdering anyone who thinks differently than you is right, then you and I need to have a long talk.”

“Anything I did, was only because you were too much of a coward to do it.” Morgana snarled. “You sat by and watched as our people died—”

“And killing more innocents was the way to fix that? Trying to take over an entire kingdom and murder your brother would help save them?” Merlin asked, his hands clenching instinctively.

“You know nothing. You’re the one who left me. You’re the one who abandoned me.”

Merlin simply spread his arms. “I did. I pushed you away instead of doing what I could to make you feel safe. And I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” Morgana demanded. “Sorry doesn’t fix anything. Sorry doesn’t give back the years of my life wasted trying to fight for a lost cause.”

Merlin was simply silent, watching her with a frown.

“You knew how I felt. You knew what it was like to be so alone and so afraid in a kingdom where you could be murdered simply for who you are. Did you think I was going to turn you in? I was going to go report my one and only friend to Uther to have you executed?”

Merlin’s eyes widened, though there was something odd about the look on his face.

“Did you think that little of me? I know exactly what I became over the years. I know exactly how many people and families I destroyed trying to get the throne. And right now, part of me can’t even fathom how angry I was back then. I wanted justice. I wanted to live in peace and you chose to back someone who didn’t even fulfill their destiny rather than your own people.”

“Morgana—”

Morgana continued, her voice rising with every word.“Face it, Merlin. From the moment you turned me away when I came running to you in fear, from the moment you poisoned me all those years ago to now. I might have betrayed you, but you betrayed me first.”

Merlin’s eyes suddenly flared gold and he yelled a spell, dropping to the ground. The air around her went still. Morgana stumbled back. The leaves fluttered around her and she only just realized the destruction she had caused. The grass seemed to be ripped from its roots and the trees that lined the area were completely demolished. She had made a tornado.

Merlin cursed. “Jesus Christ, Morgana. Are you trying to destroy the entire island?”

Morgana sucked in a breath. She’d done magic. She did it.

“I told you this was a terrible idea.” A voice drawled behind her and Morgana whirled around to see Lancelot. Behind him were the others, all shocked at the sudden storm.

“I didn’t think she was going to demolish the entire place. I wanted a bit of magic, that’s all.” Merlin muttered, shaking himself off.

Morgana turned back around. “What?”

“That was magic, Morgana. You’re welcome.” Merlin gave her a dark look. 

Morgana blinked down at her trembling hands. “I— oh my god.”

She carefully whispered a spell and watched almost entranced as the wind picked up slightly, before dying down. “How— how the hell did you do that?”

Merlin brushed a hand through his hair. “Your magic is triggered by your emotions. I came here to try and get you angry. It wasn’t really that hard. Speaking of which, we do need to talk about some of the things that you mentioned earlier.”

Morgana dropped her hands, abruptly remembering that she was supposed to be angry at him. “Such as?”

“For one, I never betrayed you—”

“You tried to kill me—”

“I did but that wasn’t because I wanted to, but because in the grand scheme of things, it would save thousands of innocent lives and so I did what I had to do. If anything, this is Morgause's fault. I had to bribe her with the antidote for her to lift the curse. It was nothing against you, I swear. You have to understand that.” 

Morgana stared back at Merlin. “What? Morgouse started the curse?”

“Yes. And you were the vessel. I had to kill you to stop the people of Camelot from dying.”

“I— she never told me that. She said that you— that I—” Morgana broke off, her mind whirling. Morgause had lied. She said that Merlin was trying to kill her because of her magic. Now, thinking back, that was an absurd idea.

Merlin took a careful step forward. “I never wanted to hurt you. But it seems that that’s all I ended up doing.”

Morgana let out a bitter snort. “Right.”

A sudden tense silence descended on them and Morgana could feel the presence of their audience. She swallowed and met Merlin’s gaze. “Thank you for the—” Morgana waved her hands around. “—magic thing. I appreciate it.”

“It was the least I could do. I would like it if you didn’t kill anyone with it though.” Merlin said, rocking back on his heels.

Morgana looked away, trying to quell the guilt and anger that swelled in her chest. “I’ll try my hardest.”

“The fact that you have to try is kind of concerning.”

Morgana shot Merlin a look. “Well, I can’t be held responsible for any actions I take against you.”

Merlin suddenly smiled. “Of course. I do bring out the worst in you.”

Morgana met his gaze. She let out a breath and nudged her magic forward, watching as Merlin yelped, staggering back. She found her lips curling up at the shocked look on his face. “Yeah. You do.”

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh, we're almost there guys. they're going to be one more chapter to wrap up everything and then we got the epilogue that will be (spoiler alert) pure fluff.
> 
> hope you enjoyed it!!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwen shook her head. “No. Albion is the land that we united, not these new lands. Albion was at the core of Camelot.”
> 
> “Camelot is gone, Gwen.”
> 
> “But you’re not,” Gwen said, her eyes shining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words.
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)
> 
> ~
> 
> so long story short: i have absolutely no self-control (like we didn't already know that)

“God, she is so irritating,” Merlin muttered, watching as Morgana whipped up the waves and doused through the sandcastle of Camelot that Merlin had been carefully building.

There was a small chuckle and Merlin looked up to see Percival, whose eyes were locked on Morgana. “She seems happier than before.”

Merlin snorted. “Does she actually?”

“You weren’t there for it but you actually couldn’t go a day without starting an argument with her. I very nearly lost my cool one day.”

Merlin mock-gasped. “You lost your cool? Well, she must have truly been a pain.”

Percival grinned. “You seem happier too. More… free.”

Merlin pursed his lips slightly, watching as Morgana doubled over in laughter, dousing Gwen in water, who sputtered under the waves.

“I’m guessing you two worked things out?” Percival asked.

“Kind of.” Merlin rolled his eyes, leaning back on his hands. “We really just ranted to each other about everything. It was freeing in a way. I can’t remember the last time we really sat down and talked. Though to be fair, Morgana almost drowned me last night and I did almost crack her skull against a rock.”

Percival blinked. “Well, that’s…”

Merlin snorted. “It turned out alright. We’ve come to a truce. Ish. We understand each other at least. Which is really the best we can do for right now.”

Percival gave a soft smile. “I’m glad. You deserve to be happy.”

“You do too.” Merlin glanced up. “Your life ended too quick. I could’ve saved you.”

“My life ended the moment Gwaine died. At least, I died fighting for the same kingdom we all died for. Except for you, of course. You lived for the kingdom.” 

Merlin gave a heavy sigh. “I did. Camelot was all I ever had. I can’t believe I ever forgot.”

“Percy!” Gwaine yelled jogging down the shore. “I need your help.”

Percival didn’t move, simply groaning. “I swear to god if you make me stand in front of you so the sun isn’t in your face again—”

Gwaine snorted. “No, not that. I have something to show you.” Gwaine wiggled his eyebrows and backed away slowly. 

Percival was silent for two heartbeats before he launched to his feet, turning to Merlin. “We’ll talk later, yeah?”

Merlin wrinkled his nose. “You’re disgusting.”

“No shame, Merls. Arthur’s at the far end of the beach if you feel like you’re missing out.” Gwaine called as he dragged Percival away.

“I hope you get genital herpes!” Merlin yelled after them.

There was a snort from beside him and Merlin turned to see Leon walk up. “I’ve had to watch those two and Gwen and Lancelot be all lovey-dovey for the past month and it’s honestly getting revolting.”

Merlin laughed. “I feel for you. Though I am a hypocrite. Arthur and I have still yet to talk about our relationship but if things go well I’m afraid we might be even more revolting than them.”

“Please. You two were revolting back in Camelot with all the sexual tension.”

“Come on. Do you know how it feels?”

Leon shrugged. “There was this one girl while back but that didn’t really end well. I don't think it's for me. It’s not like I’m alone, anyway.”

Merlin’s lips curled up. “You’re not. I wanted to thank you.”

“Whatever for?”

“Just these past few months. You’ve always been close to Arthur and I’m glad that he wasn’t alone.” Merlin looked up.

“We grew up together. I’ll always be there for him, especially when you’re not.” 

“I’m kind of surprised you’re okay with me. I never thought that you were accepting of my kind.”

Leon furrowed his eyebrows. “Magic was always a sore topic. I mean, I grew up alongside Arthur and so all of his prejudices were ingrained in me as well. I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t always made the right decision but I know you, Merlin. And you are the furthest thing from evil.”

“That’s enough for you?”

Leon nodded. “From the moment you stumbled back to Camelot and told us about Arthur’s death. From the moment you spilled everything and told us all you did for the kingdom. There was never a doubt.”

Merlin chewed on his lip. “I’m glad Arthur has you. He’ll need someone level headed like you.”

Leon laughed. “I’m glad Arthur has you. And I wouldn’t count on me for level-headedness. I very nearly aided you in Arthur’s death when you came asking for a crossbow. Do you remember that? I can’t believe I actually did that.”

Merlin nudged him. “Your faith in me is astounding.”

“You’re really something else, Merlin. I don’t think I’ll ever understand.” Leon said, carefully studying him.

“I’ve once been told that I was a riddle wrapped up in a mystery.”

“Gaius?” Leon guessed.

Merlin grinned. “Who else? I swear, I’m surprised he lived that long with the amount of stress I gave him. I miss him.”

Leon’s smile faltered the slightest bit. “We all do. But in the end, he found his peace, yes?”

“Yeah. And now, hopefully, we found our peace too.”

Leon’s gaze shifted back to the water. “I think we did.”

_\--0-o-0--_

Gwen pulled over her soaked jacket, flapping it in the air.

“Gwen!” Morgana jogged over. “Hey, let me—”

“What is the matter with you?” Gwen snapped before she realized she was even talking.

Morgana paused, her expression freezing. “What?”

“What are you doing?” Gwen hated it. She’s never seen Morgana this open and relaxed and Gwen never wanted to change that but she was angry. Angrier than she tried to convince herself to be.

“I thought I would help you dry off.” Morgana frowned. 

“What? Do you think everything’s okay now? That since you and Merlin have worked things out that everything can go back to how it was before?”

Morgana took a hesitant step forward. “Gwen—”

Gwen pushed back. “Look, I’ve tried to let it go since Merlin was our priority but I can’t. I can’t. There was a time in my life where you genuinely wanted to kill me, Morgana. Now, I can understand Merlin and Arthur, alright? I don’t care if the knights were able to forgive you since they never really knew you in the first place but we were best friends. I had done nothing to you.”

Morgana stepped back. “I thought- I thought we talked about this. I never—”

“What did I do? What the hell did I do to make you hate me so much?” Gwen demanded. “I never gave any indication that I wouldn’t accept you and I’m not of the knights who were just pawns in your game. You would have killed me to get on the throne of Camelot. And you expect me to just let all that go? Just let go of the fact that our entire friendship meant nothing?”

“I did mean something. I just- I lost my way. You know this. It was nothing against you. I believed that I could only be free if I was on the throne. And there were thousands of lives at stake—”

“What about my life? Do you think I wanted to be queen? Because I didn’t. I would’ve been fine to be a servant for the rest of my life but I loved Arthur and he needed a queen.”

“That throne was mine, Gwen. It was never yours. I spent so long preparing myself to be queen and—”

“You lost all right to that throne the moment you turned on Camelot.” Gwen snarled. “You would’ve been a great queen. But you lost it and betrayed us. That was never your throne. I was queen. I made Camelot a better kingdom and I legalized magic. At what cost?”

Morgana pressed her lips together. “No. You’re right. You didn’t deserve anything I threw at you. You were caught in the middle of a game you had no place playing in.”

“I lost everything in a matter of weeks. I was alone for over forty years. Yeah, I might have had Leon and Merlin but that’s different. I was the queen and I was alone ruling over the broken kingdom that you left behind. Did it mean that much to you? You wanted justice and revenge so bad that you were willing to destroy my life to get it?”

Morgana’s eyes shone. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I became or why I did things I did. I was so desperate to be free and to get my justice and I forgot that you caught some of it. Merlin—”

“This is not about Merlin. I can perfectly understand why you were angry with Merlin. Wanting him dead is one thing but I can understand it. I can understand it with Arthur. They wronged you. They left you. But what the hell did I do? What the hell did the thousands of innocent lives that you killed and destroyed in the process do?” Gwen said, stepping forward.

“Gwen, that was hundreds of years ago. What do you want me to do? I can’t go back and change things. It’s too late for that. Yes, I wanted to be queen and yes, I ruined your life in the process. I wanted you dead if it would mean I got to be queen. Do I regret that? Yes. But I can’t change it. I was angry. I was so angry and I destroyed my relationship with you. I said I’m sorry. What more do you want from me?”

Gwen sucked in a breath. “I don’t want anything. Just stop acting like everything is okay. If you found an understanding with Merlin, then that’s great. But I can’t just joke and laugh with someone who I know would kill me if they could get what they wanted.”

“I’ve changed—”

“No, Morgana. The world changed. We both know that if we were back in Camelot, you would be exactly the same.” Gwen muttered and shoved back Morgana to storm away.

_\--0-o-0--_

“You’re not giving her enough credit.”

Gwen started at the voice. Merlin lowered himself to the ground beside her. 

“Excuse me?”

Merlin raised an eyebrow. “With Morgana? You weren’t quiet, Gwen.”

Gwen snorted. “And you think I’m wrong.”

“No. I agree with you. You don’t have to forgive her. Not after everything she’s done with you. For me, It was easier than I thought. We were both at fault.”

“I didn’t do anything to her,” Gwen said, picking at the sand below them.

“I know. But Morgana’s not entirely to blame. She was manipulated her entire life. By her father and then by Morgouse. I’m not trying to excuse her actions but you should try to understand. She made mistakes. Yes, it costs people’s lives but you don’t understand what it was like to have magic in Camelot. It was terrifying. And I, clearly, didn’t help the situation for her.”

“I don’t know what it's like. But that gave her no right to—”

“Gwen, she never hated you. She was terrified. All she ever wanted was freedom and justice and she had no one to help guide her to that.”

Gwen looked up. “You can’t seriously be asking me to forgive her.”

“I’m not. I’m not. I haven’t even completely forgiven her yet and I know that she hasn’t forgiven me. But it’s been a thousand years. You don’t have to let it go or be friends with her if you don’t want to but she has changed. You know that. The last I saw her, I killed her. Trust me, I know. She’s not perfect, but she’s better.”

Gwen dug her tongue into her cheek and looked away. “I know. I just—”

Merlin looped his arm through hers. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Gwen gripped his arm, sighing heavily. She closed her eyes and dropped her head on his shoulder. “Did we do it?”

“Hmm?”

“We came back because Albion’s need was greatest. You told me that Albion was the united lands. But Camelot’s fallen.”

Merlin furrowed his eyebrows. “But the lands haven’t. This is Albion. England. The United Kingdom.”

“But what was its need? Why- why are we here?” Gwen asked.

“I don’t know, Gwen,” Merlin said, letting his eyes flutter shut.

They sat in silence for a while before Gwen suddenly jerked up, nearly hitting Merlin in the head. “Oh my god.”

Merlin blinked. “What?”

“Albion’s not a place.”

“What are you on about? Albion is the United Kingdom.”

Gwen shook her head. “No. Albion is the land that we united, not these new lands. Albion was at the core of Camelot.”

“Camelot is gone, Gwen.”

“But you’re not,” Gwen said, her eyes shining.

“What?”

Gwen laughed. “It makes so much sense. It wasn’t a coincidence that when we arrived, you were starting to lose your magic and die. We came to help you. Because your need was greatest. Merlin, you are Albion.”

Merlin just gaped at Gwen for a moment. “I— no. That doesn’t make sense. Albion is a place. It can’t be—”

“You’re the only thing left of Albion. The rest of it has fallen. And we came back to save you. Just like you’ve saved us so many times.”

Merlin stared, his mouth open. Gwen just grinned, looking overly pleased with herself. She swayed closer. “Your welcome.”

_\--0-o-0--_

Merlin took in a breath, staring at Rowan’s profile picture. 

“Are you going to call him or not? It took me a lot of effort to fix that, you know.”

Merlin glared up at Morgana. “Shut up. I don't know what to say.”

“Maybe something along the lines of ‘those strangers turned out to be my lost lost friends and they got me my memory back because apparently, I’ve had amnesia for the past fifteen hundred years.’”

“Don’t you have anything better to do? Like, don’t know, talking to Gwen?” Merlin snapped.

Morgana’s smirk fell. “Leave Gwen out of this. Call him.”

Merlin took in a breath and called Rowan. He pressed the phone to his ear and rocked back on his heels, closing his eyes. Rowan picked up on the fourth ring.

“Merlin?”

“Rowan. Hey.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Rowan cursed, his voice coming loud through the microphone. “Are you alright?”

“I’m okay. I’m good. I promise.”

“I’m face timing you.”

Merlin blinked, pulling the phone away. “What? Rowan—”

Morgana snorted. “Good luck.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “Go away, Morgana. I would rather you yell at me than do this.”

“Don’t be a spoil-sport, Merlin. I’m the one who fixed your phone.”

Merlin shot her an overly sweet smile and then picked up, pushing past Morgana to go down to the water.

Rowan’s face filled the screen and Merlin internally winced. He had large bags under his eyes and his hair was a mess. “Oh my god. Merlin. Are you kidnapped? Did they kill you?”

“No. I’m fine. I promise.” Merlin said.

“What the hell? I have to call the police.”

“What? Don’t get the police involved. I’m fine.”

Rowan’s eyes went sharp. “Well, I didn’t know that, did I? I have to tell them that you’re okay. I called them the third day you were gone. You said you were going to be back two weeks ago!”

“I know. I know. I’m so sorry. Things came up and I completely lost track of time—”

“Where the hell are you? You weren’t at the lake.” Rowan demanded.

Merlin sputtered. “I’m—”

“Hey, Rowan. It’s Arthur. We’re actually in my hometown in another place. Don’t worry about Merlin. He’ll be home in a few days.” Arthur swooped in, grabbing the phone.

“What? Give the phone back to Merlin. Who the hell are you to—”

Merlin crowded closer, shooting Arthur a glare. “Rowan, I’m fine. I promise. Call off the police.”

Arthur grinned into the camera and ended the call instantly. Merlin grabbed the phone. “Arthur! What the hell? Did you just end the call?”

Arthur shrugged. “He was getting annoying.”

“Arthur!”

Arthur grabbed Merlin’s hands, dragging him along. “Come on. The rest of them have been hogging you and we haven’t talked in some time.”

“We talked yesterday.”

“And that’s too long, Merlin. I’m not letting you go again.”

“Gwen said that I needed saving and that’s why you came. It’s stupid really. I didn’t need saving.” Merlin muttered, pocketing his phone. He made a mental note to call Rowan again later.

Arthur shrugged. “I don’t know, Merlin. I nearly thought you had a mental affliction when I saw you at the coffee shop.”

“Bold of you to think I haven’t had one since Camelot.”

Arthur let out a startled laugh. “That is true.”

Merlin laughed softly. “Thank you for bringing me back.”

“You can’t get rid of us that easily, Merlin.” Arthur teased, ruffling his hair. “Besides, It was the least I could do. You’ve already suffered so much.”

Merlin looked up. “Not because of you. You know that, right?”

Arthur swallowed, looking away. Merlin leaned forward and tilted Arthur’s chin forward. “Whatever I did for you, I did it because I wanted to. You’re not to blame for my stupid actions.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I hurt you. Multiple times.”

Merlin’s lips quirked up. “But I hurt you too. I revolved my life around you, Arthur. It honestly wasn’t healthy. But now, it’s over. I’m done with destiny. And if Gwen is right, then you’re done with yours. You saved me.”

“It was destiny that brought us together.”

“Yeah. But that’s not why I stayed. And that’s not why you brought me back.” Merlin’s heart hammered in his chest, his palms suddenly sweaty.

Arthur’s eyes went painfully fond. “Yeah. That’s not why.”

Merlin let out a soft breath, meeting his eyes. “It’s funny because we’ve kissed exactly two times and I remember neither of them.”

Arthur snorted. “Right. The first time we were drunk.”

“And the second time, you knocked me out. Which is overkill by the way. You just wanted an excuse to kiss me.”

Arthur grinned. “Guilty.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “Well, I would appreciate it if I actually remember it next time.”

“Next time? You think an awful lot of yourself?”

“I would think that you would want to kiss the man you love,” Merlin said, raising his eyebrows.

Arthur choked on his spit. “What? _What?_ ”

Merlin smirked. “What? Did you think I forgot?”

Arthur flushed and he looked away. “I— I mean, I never—”

“Did you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

Merlin ran his tongue along his bottom lip and Arthur’s gaze flicked down at the movement. “Do you— are you in love with me?”

For a moment, Arthur didn’t seem to be breathing. “What the hell do you think?”

Merlin fought down the smile that threatened to break out over his face. “I don’t know. Tell me.”

Arthur glanced back up at Merlin, his eyes wide and vulnerable. Merlin inched the slightest bit closer, repeating himself. “Tell me.”

Arthur was silent for three heartbeats before he whispered, “I love you. You know that.”

Merlin’s eyes flicked over Arthur’s face for half a second before he swayed closer, his breath hot. “Do I?”

Arthur tilted his chin up, forcing himself not to hide away. “So what? Do you love me?”

Merlin grinned, his eyes crinkling at the edges. “What the hell do you think?”

Arthur pulled back before Merlin could close the distance. “Tell me.”

Merlin rolled his eyes and ran the tip of his nose along the line of Arthur’s jaw. He let his eyes take Arthur in. With his golden hair and bright bright blue eyes and crooked teeth. Merlin clenched his teeth ever so slightly, a wave of pure affection crashing over him. How could he have ever forgotten this man?

“I love you. I have since the day we met.”

“All fifteen hundred years?”

Merlin chuckled softly. “Every last second. It’s always been you.”

Arthur’s breath hitched as Merlin carefully cupped his face and ran his thumb along his hairline, his cheekbones, his lips. Merlin tilted up a bit and pressed a feather-soft kiss to Arthur’s forehead. He trailed down the side of his face until his lips were pressed against the throbbing pulse of his neck. Merlin let his eyes flutter shut as he breathed Arthur in and inched impossibly closer.

Arthur carefully tilted Merlin’s face up. “You want to remember this time or not?”

Merlin’s lips curled. “Don’t worry. This time, I’ll never forget.”

And Merlin pushed forward, catching Arthur’s lips on his own. Arthur gasped at the contact and his hands scrambling to find purchase on Merlin’s hips. Merlin pushed closer and his hands slid from Arthur’s jaw to behind his neck.

The entire world tilted dangerously to the side but this time, Merlin welcomed it. He welcomed the heat of Arthur’s palm that bled through his shirt and buzzed in his head as everything blurred into clarity at a thousand different moments yet at the exact same time.

Everything, from the moment Merlin had stepped into Camelot and all of the stories and memories and adventures but all the quiet things too. The soft nights before the fireplace and the lingering hands to the longing looks and broken smiles and shattered lives and failures and successes and anything and everything that built up over and over and over again to lead to the very moment that—

Merlin pulled on Arthur’s bottom lip and fit his tongue along with his, relishing in the way he could barely get any oxygen because he was inhaling Arthur, Arthur, _Arthur_. Merlin pressed his palm to the back of Arthur's neck, feeling out Arthur's pulse for the confirmation that this was real and Arthur was alive and it wasn’t a dream. 

Arthur pulled back, his breaths coming heavy and his eyes blown wide. His lips were slicked red and his cheeks were flushed with heat. Merlin threaded a hand through his golden hair and watched it glint like a crown in the sunlight as if nature itself realized that Arthur was a king. Not Camelot’s king, but Merlin’s. Just Merlin’s.

Arthur ran his hands along Merlin’s sides. He pushed closer to trail his lips along the line of Merlin’s throat. Merlin dropped his hands and pulled Arthur closer.

Merlin laughed into Arthur’s neck. “Yeah. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.”

Arthur pulled back just enough to meet Merlin’s eyes. “I sure hope not. But if you ever do, I’ll be here to help you remember. Always.”

Merlin gripped Arthur’s hands and pressed a soft, almost chaste kiss to his lips. His eyes twinkled knowingly in the light. “Always.”

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aoufaonihoieruhaeoirhzaoihgoeriughore
> 
> what is that? we're almost done?
> 
> ok listen, i wasn't planning on adding the whole gwen + morgana fight but it came out so dw that'll be resolved in the epilogue (is it still an epilogue is things are still getting wrapped up?). we obvs need a full group meeting and more fluff to make up for the angsty ride. but congratulations! we're almost there!!
> 
> i am planning some bonus scenes, mini-sequel, and prequel for this series (nothing too long) and I'll give the details in the last chapter but I'm not done with this universe yet.
> 
> also: i kind of skipped over the brunt of the morgana + merlin confrontation (you know with the drowning and the skull cracking) because i didn't want it to get to dragged on and repetitive but if you do want to see that scene i would more than happy to post a mini bonus scene later on so you can read about our chaotic magic fools.
> 
> thanks for reading and as always, let know what you think in the comments!! <3


	21. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin watched the golden light dance over the water and he thought of his golden crown and golden hair and golden heart. He let out a sigh and flopped down on the grass, watching the bright sky, his mind wandering to his bright bright blue eyes. 
> 
> “Merlin.” Arthur appeared over him, blocking the sun. “Are you zoning out again?”
> 
> He still couldn't believe that there was a time when he wouldn’t have recognized the face before him.
> 
> Arthur crouched down and waved a hand over his face. “Earth to Merlin. Have you already forgotten me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC or any of the Italicized words from John Farmans 'You're the Voice'
> 
> Do not repost on other sites. Crossposted on ff.net under the same username.
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr under [myrddinthewizard](https://myrddinthewizard.tumblr.com)

Gwen walked forward, careful not to startle Morgana, who was in the crystal cave. Morgana looked up the moment Gwen stepped inside. She was silent.

Gwen moved forward and reached out to smooth a hand over one of the larger crystals. “You’re right.”

Morgana stiffened. “What?”

“I— I’m not sorry about what I said, but I'd like to rephrase my words.”

Morgana’s eyebrows furrowed. “Okay.”

Gwen swallowed and looked away. “I won’t pretend to know what it was like for you. I’m not excusing your actions because you made a few terrible ones, but it wouldn’t be fair of me to say that you haven’t changed. We couldn’t have gotten Merlin back without you.”

“Don’t. I understand. It was foolish of me to—”

Gwen surged forward and wrapped her arms around Morgana, burying her face into her neck. “You make me so angry. I’m usually able to control myself but for some reason, I can’t with you.”

She pulled away. Morgana’s eyes were wide. “What are you saying? You made yourself perfectly clear—”

“You’re right. It’s been so long. So long and there’s really no point in me holding a grudge over you. It’s not going to come to anything and you have changed. I don’t know what happened in Camelot. And I’m not forgetting it. But I would like to start over. Preferably in a healthy way that doesn’t require us killing each other.” Gwen chewed on her bottom lip nervously, rocking back on her heels.

“You want to start over?”

Gwen shrugged. “The world’s changed. You’ve changed. You can live your own life now and not be pressured by other forces or destiny or something else. Just be yourself. Be the girl I knew you were before.”

Morgana dug her tongue into her cheek. She gave a slight laugh. “You always surprise me, Gwen. I didn’t think you were going to forgive me.”

“I’m not. But all I’m doing is tiring myself out. So I’m letting it go for myself and for you. I'd like to think that I once knew you. And I know that you never truly wanted me dead. I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Morgana’s eyes shone. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so—”

Gwen moved closer and pulled Morgana in again. “Don’t prove me wrong. I’m really tired.”

“I won’t. I won’t.” Morgana murmured and buried her face into Gwen’s neck.

_\--0-o-0--_

Lancelot couldn’t help the slow smile that spread over his face at the two of them. He pushed forward, calling out softly. “Gwen.”

The two pulled away.

“If you’re hungry, we have some lunch outside.”

Gwen nodded, furiously wiping away her tears. “Yeah. I’m coming.”

Morgana backed away and let Gwen jog over. “I’ll be there in a second.”

Gwen looped her arm through his and glanced back. “Don’t take too long or there will be nothing left.”

Lancelot offered Morgana a small smile and then pulled Gwen out into the sunlight. “So, I’m guessing that you two worked things out?”

Gwen hummed softly, leaning into him. “Kind of. I don’t want to talk about her right now. We haven’t really talked in some time.”

Lancelot grinned. “Yeah. Merlin’s been hogging all of us.”

“I don’t blame him.” Gwen pulled him to a stop. “I mean, it’s been a while.”

Lancelot licked his lips. “It has. He’s different than back in Camelot. He seems happier.”

“Makes sense. There’s no destiny or burden hanging over his head. He’s free.”

“I wonder what happens now. Is he still immortal? Are we going to die or live with him?” Lancelot mused, lancing his fingers with Gwen’s.

“Oh, don’t. I don’t have the energy for that. We’re all here right now. And that’s all that matters, right?” Gwen moved closer.

“Yeah.” Lancelot slipped his hands up carefully cup her jaw. “We’re all here right now. And I’m not going anywhere.”

Gwen reached up to grip Lancelot’s wrists. “You better not.”

Lancelot laughed and rocked forward to close the distance between them. Gwen smiled into the kiss and looped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. Lancelot sighed softly and breathed in, trying to memorize the feel of Gwen beneath his palms and the heat of her body against his. 

Lancelot tilted his head to deepen the kiss when a loud wolf-whistle interrupted. Gwen stifled a groan and pulled back to see Gwaine wiggling his eyebrows while Elyan just looked very uncomfortable.

Gwaine called out. “Do you want us to save you some food or are you okay with just feasting on each other?”

Elyan scrunched up his face. “Gwaine, oh my god.”

Gwen rolled her eyes. “You’re one to talk, Gwaine. I didn’t think you’d still be hungry after devouring Percy last night.”

Elyan mock-gagged and turned away. “I can’t believe I’m only friends with couples. I’m going to go hang out with Leon. Come eat or we’re finishing it all.”

Lancelot snorted and dragged Gwen back in to place a solid kiss on her mouth. “Let’s go.”

The sun was high in the sky and the group was clustered in a circle right near the shore. Merlin glanced up as they jogged down. “Hey! Where’s Morgana?”

Gwen dropped down beside Arthur. “She’s coming. What are we eating?”

Arthur grinned and piled some food into a bowl to shove at Lancelot. “Try it.”

Lancelot raised a curious eyebrow but tried some of the stew and froze. “Shut up.”

Merlin’s eyes lit up. “How is it?”

Lancelot shoveled some more into his mouth, much to Gwen’s disgust. “Did you make this? Oh my fucking god. I almost forgot.”

Gwen reached over and tried some of the stew. “I’m confused. This is the blandest thing I’ve ever tasted.”

Arthur refilled his own bowl. “Have you never had Merlin’s stew?”

Gwen furrowed her eyebrows. “No?”

Merlin laughed. “It’s not that good, Gwen. It is the same thing I made whenever we camped out on quests and patrols. Brings back old memories.”

Gwen stared. “It tastes disgusting, Merlin.”

Lancelot rolled his eyes and nudged Gwen. “Don’t be mean. It’s not that bad. It’s all we ever ate and Merlin always made the best. I can’t believe you remember how to make it.”

“I remember everything, Lance. Don’t think I forgot that the lot of you never let me eat.”

“Don’t be a spoil-sport, Merlin. We always saved you a bowl.” Arthur ruffled Merlin’s hair and took a dramatic gulp, moaning. “It’s so good.”

Gwaine quickly caught on and refilled his bowl. “Mmmm. Merlin, really. You ought to try it—”

Merlin stared at him for a moment. “I can’t believe you guys.”

Gwen wrinkled her nose. “I’m so confused.”

“They’re all bullies, Gwen. I should’ve poisoned their food a while ago.” Merlin muttered, standing up.

Arthur groaned and pulled at Merlin’s shirt. “Hey, come on. We’re joking.”

Merlin turned back and crouched down so he was level with him. “It’s not funny. Growing up, I never had anything to eat.”

Arthur’s face sobered quickly. “Merlin—”

Merlin cut him off, kissing him harshly. “Don’t be a prat. Just don’t do it again. I’m going to go get Morgana.”

Merlin was up and out of there before Arthur could reply. Lancelot furrowed his eyebrows, glancing between Gwaine and Arthur. “What is wrong with you guys? Since when did we take away his food?”

Arthur pouted. “It was after you died. I didn’t think he took it personally.”

Gwen flicked Arthur’s forehead. “I can’t believe Merlin even loves you.”

_\--0-o-0--_

Morgana was sitting on the ground, watching the crystals when Merlin crept in. “I hate crystals. Seeing the future is never a good thing.”

Morgana didn’t turn around or so much as flinch at Merlin’s voice. “What about the past? It’s funny how when you rewatch things, you realize what an idiot you were.”

Merlin settled onto the ground beside her. “I know what you mean.”

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness. None of theirs.” Morgana muttered.

“Don’t be selfish, Morgana. That’s not up to you.”

She glanced up and Merlin was a bit taken aback by the redness of her eyes. “The things I did. I can’t even believe that—” She cut herself off.

“You were manipulated. That doesn’t excuse your actions but the first step is realizing that you made a mistake. I should’ve helped you. Or at least made that sure that you weren’t alone. I failed at a lot of things and I accept that. But sitting here and moping about it isn’t going to help. That’s what I did the first few days after I woke up.” Merlin said, inching closer to her.

“How did you forgive me?”

“I didn’t do it for you. I did it for me and for the rest of us. And honestly, all that matters is that you forgive yourself. Admit that you did something wrong and work to be better. You don’t need forgiveness for that.” Merlin whispered. “Come on outside. They’ll finish all the food.”

“But—”

“None of us are innocent, Morgana. We all fucked up. Now, are you going to get out there and make things right, or sulk in here for eternity?”

Morgana clenched her teeth and met Merlin’s gaze. He stood up and offered out a hand. Morgana hesitated, her expression uncertain. After three full heartbeats, she slid her hands into his and allowed him to pull her up. Merlin moved closer and pressed a feather-light kiss to her cheek. “Come on. You must be starving.”

Morgana pulled back, stilling Merlin. “I just— I wanted to say that— thank you.” She stammered out.

Merlin’s heart nearly broke. Morgana, through everything, had always been confident and self-assured and to see her so self-conscious was just wrong. Merlin reached over and tipped her chin up. “Thank _you_.”

Morgana’s lips twitched and Merlin dragged her out of the cave. “You ready?”

She shot a sideways glance at him and squeezed his hand. “I was born ready.”

Merlin snorted. “Dramatic, are you?”

“You’re one to talk,” Morgana smirked and pulled Merlin along.

_\--0-o-0--_

Merlin stifled a laugh, snorting at the sight before him. “How long was I gone?”

Morgana snickered, watching as Lancelot knocked the sword out of Gwaine’s hand and toppled him to the ground.

“Getting rusty are you?” Merlin called out, dragging Morgana down.

Gwaine muttered something under his breath and launched himself to his feet. “We need to talk. I never meant to—”

Merlin marched forward and patted his cheek. “I know. Let it go. It’s okay.”

“You should’ve told me if you didn’t like it. We were just joking.”

Merlin snatched Gwaine’s sword. “I think we need to talk less about the past and more about your atrocious sword skills.”

Arthur gave a sudden laugh. “You’re one to talk. All those training sessions that I put you through and you still can’t hold a sword.”

Merlin grinned, and reached his hand out, seeking out Excalibur. Gwen had told him that they lost their swords when they first arrived but Merlin easily sought out Excalibur's energy.

Merlin grasped Excalibur and tossed it to Arthur, who looked dumbfounded at the sudden appearance. “It’s like Thor’s hammer, huh?”

Arthur twisted the sword with his hand. “I’m sorry, what?”

Merlin grinned and lifted up Gwaine’s sword. “Where did these come from?”

“Ascalon got them for us. Bit rusty but they do. We were bored and wanted to see if we were still any good.” Gwaine said, collapsing on Percival, who ran a sympathetic hand through his hair.

Arthur twisted Excalibur on his grip and grinned up at Merlin. “This is as good as new. You think you can hold up against me?”

Merlin quirked his lips up. “I would like to find out.”

Arthur hesitated and then lunged forward. Merlin, unfortunately, had severely underestimated his own skills and lost his grip in under a minute. Arthur raised an eyebrow, looming over him. “You were saying?”

“Come on, Arthur. We all know what Merlin’s useless with a sword. Why don’t you fight someone who knows what they’re doing.” Morgana drawled, pulling Merlin to his feet and taking his sword.

Arthur tilted his head, twirling Excalibur. “Are you offering?”

Morgana grinned and for a moment, Merlin was taken aback by the light in her eyes. She leaped forward and Arthur barely caught the strike on the hilt of his sword. Merlin scrambled out of the way as the two fought. Merlin had nearly forgotten that they two grew up and trained together. Both were rusty but they balanced each other out perfectly.

Arthur was strong and precise, his hair matted with sweat and eyes hard and concentrated. Morgana, on the other hand, flowed like water. She easily ducked and attacked without a moment’s hesitation or thought. Her grin was wicked and her eyes were bright.

Morgana pulled back the slightest bit and twisted her sword just enough to push Arthur back and knock the sword from his hand. Arthur ducked and tackled her to the ground but Morgana was faster and flipped them over until she was essentially straddling him.

Arthur gasped, his breaths coming heavy. “What the hell was that?”

Morgana leaned forward, her lips curled. “Don’t think I don’t know your moves, Arthur. How many times did I beat you growing up?”

Arthur scoffed. “That never happened.”

Morgana laughed and rolled off Arthur to stand up. She offered out a hand that Arthur gladly accepted. Morgana smirked and brushed some dirt from his shoulders. “You keep telling yourself that.”

Arthur’s eyes suddenly went soft. “I’ve missed you.”

Morgana raised her chin up. “Yeah, well. I’m going anywhere.”

_\--0-o-0--_

_“_ _We have the chance to turn the pages over._

_We can write what we want to write”_

Merlin watched the golden light dance over the water and he thought of _his_ golden crown and golden hair and golden heart. He let out a sigh and flopped down on the grass, watching the bright sky, his mind wandering to his bright bright blue eyes. 

“Merlin.” Arthur appeared over him, blocking the sun. “Are you zoning out again?”

He still couldn't believe that there was a time when he wouldn’t have recognized the face before him.

Arthur crouched down and waved a hand over his face. “Earth to Merlin. Have you already forgotten me?”

Merlin pushed himself up and leaned on his palms, a teasing smile curling over his lips. “I wish.”

Arthur swayed closer. “You don’t mean that. I’m most definitely worth remembering, aren’t I?”

Merlin thought back to when he first stepped into Camelot, onto the training field, and into Arthur’s heart. Merlin had lived thousands upon thousands of lives. He’d met thousands upon thousands of people. But none of those memories were worth anything in comparison to the few ones he’d made with the man before him. Merlin knew that through everything, Arthur’s life was the best part of his, no matter how incredibly long.

And he honestly didn't know how long the two of them had together in this new world, but Merlin was willing to spend every last second with him.

“Don’t worry your pretty head about it.” Merlin grinned, leaning forward to press feather-light kisses over Arthur's nose and jaw. “Your life is the only one worth remembering.”

Arthur tilted his chin up and forced Merlin’s light kisses to trail to his mouth. “Not my life. Our life.”

“If you’re done with being disgustingly romantic with each other then come down to the tower. Morgana wants to show us something.” Elyan yelled from over the hill.

Arthur stood up and dragged Merlin to his feet. “Come on, then. Stop brooding.”

“I’m not brooding, Arthur. I’m just happy.” Merlin said, meeting Arthur’s gaze.

Arthur’s eyes flicked over Merlin’s face for a moment before breaking out in a smile. “Well, come on then. Let’s go down.”

Merlin leaned dangerously close, stifling a chuckle when Arthur went cross-eyed. “Ok. Let’s go.”

Merlin pulled away and bolted up the hill. Arthur stood frozen for a moment before shocking himself into reality. “Oi, Merlin. Wait up!”

Merlin turned around, jogging backward, his smile more blinding than the sun could ever be. “Come catch me.”

And so Arthur ran after him, just like he always did. And if he tackled Merlin into a kiss at the bottom of the hill, then that was for no one to remember but themselves.

_fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was that ending really cheesy? yes. do i regret it? hell no. honestly, a part of me feels like i write angst better than fluff, and honestly i don't know what that says about me. nonetheless, congrats! we made it! this the first full-length story that's like, decent, that i've ever written and i can't believe i actually finished it. i never would've expected so much support for this and so thank you to everyone who joined the ride and read/kudos/commented on this because it meant the absolute world to me.
> 
> like i said last chapter, i have some mini fics planned for this same universe so if you want a sneak peek at that you can look below. lmk if there's anything you would like to see and i would be more than happy to incorporate that.
> 
> thanks again for everything and as usual, lmk what you thought in the comments. i love you guys!!
> 
> plans for fics in the same universe:
> 
> \- mordred mini-sequel (i'm sorry but i can't live without our three magic fools being okay)
> 
> \- rowan mini-sequel (merlin comes back home. i wasn't going to leave rowan so dw)
> 
> \- mini-prequel (right after arthur's death - warning: like actual pure angst)


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